1 You say "dyke" like it's a bad thing

This weekend, Banana and I headed to Pasadena for a huge free music festival. It was pretty awesome, most of the city was shut down and there were over 10 venues throughout the downtown with free music for all tastes. We went to catch one of our favorite bands, Ra Ra Riot. Another band we had hoped to catch was the Tijuana Panthers. 

The day started out excellently. We walked down to the train station, enjoying a finely crafted bloody mary. After a train and a light rail trip we ended up in Pasadena. Our first stop was Lucky Baldwins for the IPA Fest. Nothing too festive there. Next we hit up Redwhite+bleuzz and had a great cheese & charcuterie platter. 

After that delicious nourishment, we headed over to the stage that the Tijuana Panthers were performing on. Now I knew that the members of the band were young, but I was not really prepared to be one of the oldest people there. Upon arrival I look around and notice we are in a sea of young hipsters...translation...DONGS! The show started out well. The band was actually pretty good live. But then things took a turn for the worse...


You see, the TJ Panthers are a beach music band. Their music in no way warrants moshing. Period. So Banana and I are listening to the band, having a jolly time when these dumb ass kids decide to start "moshing." I put the term "moshing" in quotes because this was the pussiest mosh pit I have ever seen in my life. They might as well have been jumping around giving each other pats on the back. But as lame as it was, it still sucked because they were bumping into people who were just trying to watch the show in peace. Now I will say that I have been to shows with real mosh pits. And I have always been afraid to step in because shit gets crazy. And I like having all of my teeth, thank you very much. Looking at this sorry excuse for a mosh pit, I knew I could easily handle it, if not dominate it. So I went for it. I jumped in and started pushing these little pansies around. And every time I got in I broke up the pit. How in the fuck was I the toughest bro out there? 

A bit later, I looked down and saw a pin on the ground. It had fallen off of someone and the pin on the back was broken. I turned to show it to Banana and this kid, probably about 16 or 17 comes up to me and tries to rip the pin out of my hand. I was like, "oh hell no!" He started whining that it was his pin and that it fell off when he was in the faux mosh pit. I was pretty taken aback that someone would try and physically come at me in a violent and forceful way. I was shocked. And then I was ANGRY!

In my opinion, There are two ways to go about things in life. The right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is attempting to use your gender to bully me and also trying to physically intimidate me and put your hands on me in a threatening way. Bro, you do not pass "Go" in life by acting a fool. The right way would have been to say, "Oh hey, you found my button! Awesome! I thought I lost it! Can I have it back?" In which case I would have automatically done so. Because I really don't give a flying fuck about you or your button. But this kid had come at me in totally the wrong way. So I felt like I should teach him a lesson. Look, I don't know you, kid. I don't know where you are from, what your story is but when you attempt to intimidate me, because you are a man, I just can't have that. We got into a pissing match at that point where he kept saying, "But look, it's my button, it fell off." And I would reply, "Yeah, but I found it on the ground." He got all pissed off and the cliche that he was, decided to call me a fucking bitch and walk away. Cool, dude, I'm a bitch. But you still don't have your pin. And now I have turned into Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. 

"I don't know you, bro!"

Banana and I left a bit later as it was hotter than hell out there and we needed to get to our next show. We celebrated at a sushi restaurant. You can check out the infamous pin in the picture. We were at the next show, Ra Ra Riot, which was MASSIVE. There had to be 1000+ people on Colorado for the show. We are standing there, enjoying ourselves when this kid comes up to me again. At this point, I am like, "What the fuck? How did this kid find us. And what is his fucking problem." So he gets in my face again about this fucking pin. And again, there is a confrontational way to speak and stand when you are talking to someone. His stature was an attempt to intimidate me. And I wasn't having it because I was actually about the same height as this kid.


There was no way I was going to relent at this point. So we went through the same song and dance as before. It is actually pretty funny when you are in an argument to just repeat the same thing over and over. It really pisses people off. At this point he realizes I am not giving in. A group had kind of formed around us by this time as he began yelling that I was a fucking bitch. And then he pulled out the big guns...he decided to yell, "You big fucking dyke." Well, thanks buddy. You want a big bitchy dyke? Okay, well, bitchy dyke here now. 


My response to him, "Yeah I am a big fucking dyke," and for that extra added emphasis, "And I can lick your girlfriend's pussy better than you any day." Yes, I know this was vulgar and crude, but this is what the boy asked for by pulling out the dyke card. In retrospect I could have just walked away. I probably shouldn't have said something that could have embarrassed his girlfriend, that makes me a bully. But I said it. And it felt good to do so. So fuck it. 

At this point the crowd around us starts busting up so the kid walks away. About 5 minutes later he sends his girlfriend over to talk to me! WTF! Yeah, obviously because I am a big dyke, sending your girlfriend over to talk to me will instantly get you what you want. Because I just can't control my big dykey self and will do anything for women. I explained to his girl that I would have easily given it back had he not gotten physical with me and attempted to rip it out of my hands. I then told her I left the pin at the last venue and that someone probably picked it up. They finally left us alone to watch the show in peace.


Wow. So this is the first time since coming out that someone has tried to tear me down by referencing my sexuality. To tell you the truth it felt a lot more liberating that it did derogatory. I think words only have power if you give them that power. I've been called a bitch many times in my life. And it does not really bother me. But this was the first time I had been called a dyke. And it didn't really phase me. Because, yup...I am a dyke. 


What I found offensive was the fact that this kid, who I had at least 10 years on felt like it was his right to act abusively toward a woman. That because he was a man, it was his right to do whatever he wanted and I could have no say in the matter. That felt violating. The fact that his tone and stance was meant to make me feel inferior and scared really pissed me off. I really do not know what it was about this day, this event, this kid and this situation - but I have never been challenged by a man in this way. Perhaps he did see me as a "dyke" and because I was a dyke, I was a second class citizen who he had the right to push around. 


As I grow into my queerness I realize that these things are bound to happen more frequently to me in my life. That people will see me as inferior and try to demean me for being outside the paradigm. Maybe it's because they are scared of "the other" - but for whatever reason I need to be on guard for these situations. Granted, I don't think I will be getting into any more fights with minors. But I feel really good that I stood up for myself and held my ground. I feel that I have a stronger confidence in myself, who I am and where I am in the world. Because I now have this confidence I will not tolerate people treating me like shit. The old Captain Awkward would have probably backed down from this confrontation. But folks, the new Captain is not taking shit from any man or woman. I'm here and I'm queer with my guns a blazin'!

1 Viva Las Vegas!

Can I just say how much I fucking love Las Vegas?! The lights, the booze, the ladies! Sin City indeed! This was definitely a trip for the books. I went to Vegas 2 other times this year. Once with my friends and another time with JC. Back in December when I was in Vegas for Banana's Bday, I remember not feeling sure of myself and actually quite intimidated at the thought of trying to pick up on women. I just hadn't really settled into my GAAAAAAAAYdom yet. This time it was a whole 'nother story. I went to Vegas to hook up. And hook up I did. 

Iggy and I decided to head out for a spontaneous road trip about a week ago. And as luck would have it, the stars aligned with our work schedules and low rates at the Hard Rock so we headed out. We arrived in Vegas on Sunday night around 9pm. After showering and pre-partying in the room, we headed to Krave which is supposed to be one of the best gay clubs in town. Well, when we got there it was pretty dead, but it picked up a bit as the night rolled on. We ended up meeting some really nice guys from Manchester and the bartender had his eye on Iggy, which scored us some free drinks. Awesome! Our new gay boyfriends were surprised that lesbians and gay men got along so well in the US. I guess where they are from there is no commingling of the gays. Interesting. 

After hanging out for a bit, I saw this girl who was also wearing a black tank top, so I went up to her and said, "You know we are supposed to call each other before going out to make sure we don't match..." Or something to that effect. Anyhoo, her friend was really cute and we ended up striking up a conversation. They were from Canada and had spent the week in Vegas.

We ended up leaving with them and I extended an invitation to come back to our hotel, as it was closer to the club than the hotel they were staying in - you know, just to be cordial to our international friends. After a drink at the hotel bar, I somehow fandangled them into coming up to the room. At this point I had a situation on my hands. I was really feeling this one girl but her friend, the one in the tank top was hitting on Iggy hard. Because Iggy is such an awesome pal, she agreed to be my wing woman, but I could tell this chick's advances were making her a bit uncomfortable. Hell, they were making me uncomfortable! No matter how many times I told tank chick that Iggy was straight as a nail (and has a hot ass husband no doubt) she would not relent. But in adversity, Captain Awkward sees opportunity. So I invited both ladies up to the room and got Iggy out of the situation. 


Now did I really think I could swing a threesome? Well, yes, I did. But luckily, the other chick passed out and I got to spend some...ahem...quality time with the hottie. And it was fan-fucking-tastic. Absolutely amazing and awesome. Just what I needed.


It has been a long time since I had had any physical contact with another person. And fuck, it felt so good just to be close to somebody and make out. The sex was a bonus, but really it was just wonderful to be with someone again. And it was nice not to have strings attached and all that other bullshit. Yep, I am saying it, I like one night stands. Judge all you like but sometimes you just need to toot it and boot it. It's kind of like a business relationship. You both have an expressed interest in a specific goal and as long as no one gets hurt in the process, both people win! I know it sounds scandalous, but I am not ashamed of having needs and finding consensual partners to fulfill them. 


I used to feel very different about the one night stands when I was in hetero land. Well, firstly I didn't particularly enjoy the old in-out with men but I also realize that I used it as a way for guys to like me. I hadn't been with many dudes before I was married but then immediately doubled my number after about 2 months of being separated from my husband. And that didn't feel good, liberating or awesome at all. It's because I went into it with the wrong mindset. I wanted the guy to like me or I felt like I had to put out. Ugh. Gross. Speaking of numbers, I used to get really wigged out about the number of men I had slept with. I felt like I had to keep the number low, or I was a ho. I don't fell the same with women. I actually feel that more experience would do me good :D


I see this as a normal expression of my sexuality - and also as a learning process, getting to know and understand my sexuality. It's also much less scary and volatile to hook up with another chick. Women, in my experiences have been really understanding of boundaries and limits. I can't say the same for men. But with women it is really my body and my choice - for the first time. My shrink will probably say this is just a continuance of my sexual adolescence as a result of recently coming out. Could be true. Or I could just be a horny bitch.


I think it all comes down to how we each internalize our own experiences. I could have felt shameful about my Vegas hook up. But I don't. I feel happy, giddy, liberated and thankful for the experience. Yeah, I will never see this chick again, and that is okay! It is perfectly normal to express sexuality in a consenting situation. After JC and then the D debacle, the last thing I want in my life is a relationship right now. I am really riding high on my own and the thought of bringing another person into my life isn't something I am seeking. On the other hand, it is totally necessary for me to have physical contact with another woman. Social stigmas can kiss my ass. Sometimes we all just need to hit it and quit it. And look at the bright side, I now have a serious appreciation for Canadians. God bless 'em!

0 Don't Say Gay

What the fuck is up with this "Don't Say Gay" bill in Tennessee? It basically says that K-8 teachers are not allowed to discuss homosexuality as part of their curriculum. Think about it...kids begin to get sex ed courses during this time. I remember having sex ed as young as 5th grade. It is a blatant assault on a student's right to have all sides of an issue. Fact: There are variances in sexuality. This is not a vanilla world we are living in, folks!

This is absolutely disgusting on so many levels. I think this comes from the fact that many people still view homosexuality as a choice. The fact that our legislators operate under this assumption is both scary and angering. This assumption leads to hate bills, such as the one in Tennessee. Secondly, there is much evidence to prove that when differences are not openly discussed in a safe forum, hate and crime increases. Simply omitting the word "gay" and not teaching variances in sexual behavior will not eradicate homosexuality. It will simply breed ignorance and intolerance.

I don't know how many times I wished that I would have had more frank discussions about sexual variances while growing up. I feel like I would have come out earlier if I had seen more gay people in the media, discussed it school during sex ed or if I would have had any gay role models in my family. 

I can actually remember the first time I met any "real lesbians." My dad had moved to Arizona for a job during my junior year of high school and I would visit him frequently. Some of his coworkers were lesbians. I remember being quite fascinated by these women. I felt instantly at home with them and interested in their lives that were so different from any experiences I had in my own life. I can also remember later, at my dad's wedding feeling a close bond with these ladies. I just felt an instant comfort with with them that I couldn't quite explain. This was around the time my sister had the "gay intervention" with me. Perhaps she too saw the bond I had with these ladies. Not too long after my dad's wedding, these ladies found jobs in other places and moved on. Who knows, maybe if I would have had more time to spend with them I could have come to my realization earlier. To think that it took me 18 years to meet and learn about lesbians is just sad. I think my dad may have had inklings about my sexuality and purposely introduced me to these women to show me the possibilities I could have in life.

Serendipitously, I am planning on seeing one of these ladies, KK very soon! I am hopefully meeting up with her and her girlfriend at SF Pride! KK recently contacted my dad's wife on FB and then my dad's wife passed on the info to me. I can't wait to catch up with KK. She was one of my dad's closest friends and being with her and talking about my dad will be like being with a piece of him again.

And let me just say for the record that my parents were not homophobic. There was never any derogatory language about gay people in my family and never any Catholic guilt about it. In fact, there was a male gay couple that lived in our neighborhood. They were just as much a part of the community as any other family. But when they moved away, gay was never really discussed again. Also, my parents came from a time and a place where homosexuality did not really exist in their reality - white middle class suburbia. I can't blame them for not discussing alternative lifestyles because it was not something they knew much about. But I do believe that the negation of the possibility of alternative lifestyles was detrimental to my development. For the record - I don't blame them, I just wish things would have been different.


I think a lot about the world my niece is growing up in. Living in Santa Monica, she will definitely see gay people out and about, public displays of affection and all. She will have media exposure to alternative lifestyles (whether good or bad, it's out there now). There will be political, social and religious conversations about the legalization of gay marriage, gay rights and gay parents as she begins to formulate her own morals and view of humanity. But most of all I hope to be there to show her that love comes in all kinds of packages. And that you have to be proud of yourself and love yourself even if some people think your "lifestyle" is wrong. And when I find a partner, I want our relationship to be another example of love for her. I want my niece will grow up with not only the word gay as a part of her vernacular but to also have a gay role model in her life. 


Then I think about how this legislation will affect kids in Tennessee. How the negation of a word can have such great repercussions. What happens to those kids who know they are different but have no idea how to understand or express how they are feeling because their freedom and right to information has been revoked. That who they are is so dirty and sinful, it can't even be said out loud. What kind of world are we living in when this type of legislation is taken seriously enough to pass?

0 The summer of YES!

Well, I did it! I got my tattoo. And yes, it hurt like a bitch! The outline was not so bad but the shading was torturous. I think it took about 1.5 hours. I almost passed out at the end. But it was well worth it. I love it! Still working through the healing process. The oozing of plasma and ink was pretty gross but it has subsided by today. I am really glad I got this to capture this moment in my life. A time when I am happy, free and on the verge of so many wonderful things. My mom, although shocked by the size, was cool with it and said she liked that it symbolized me blossoming. I thought that was pretty cool of her.

So this tattoo kicks off what I am going to call, "The Summer of YES!" Meaning whatever opportunity and adventure comes a knocking, I am going to run with it. My pal Iggy and I are heading out for a spontaneous Vegas trip tomorrow and then coming back to catch the Florence + The Machine concert on Tuesday. 

Good old Princess Star called me last Sunday about going to SF Pride. She & one of her friends are driving up Friday and coming back Sunday. Because I already have Britney Spears tickets (yes, and if you are going to judge me about this, you can suck it) on Friday and a staff meeting on Saturday I declined. About 2 seconds after I hung up the phone I got on the computer and booked a flight up to SF Saturday afternoon, just in time to catch the Dyke March and then I will fly home Sunday. Yeah, the tickets are costing me about $300. But SF Pride?! Priceless experience, my friends. I can't wait to be surrounded by thousands of gays! 

I have continued my upward spiral. Feeling really happy with where I am and what I am doing. I actually feel like my brain chemistry is functioning differently. Yeah, it could be due to the fact that I have pretty much given up smoking pot and cut my drinking back quite a bit, but I think it has to do with just being truly happy for the first time in my life. Now I am not saying that I have not been happy before, but this is the first time I have been consistently happy at such an intense level. Crazy.

In dating news...well there is no news. I feel really exhausted after the whole D debacle. I have been on OK Cupid a bit. An interesting chick from LB messaged me and we have been chatting back & forth. But I just can't spend the time browsing on that site that I used to. I am just happy being on my own right now. Although I continue to be hyper horny. I hope to hit up the fruit loop while in Vegas and at least make out with someone there. I just need a bit of physical contact, ya know?! I hope to have some good stories for you all when I get back. 

2 And what?

Happy thoughts! That's what! Holy fuck, I have somehow found myself in a happy place. Holler-lujah! I have so many things going for me and so much more mental space since I ended things with D. I can't believe how much time and energy she expected of me. And how willing I was to shell it out. After a great session with my therapist last night I realize I have really made the right choice. That bitch was crazy and I got out before her craziness rubbed off on me. My shrink actually thinks D might have Borderline Personality Disorder which is pretty freaky shit. And not the freaky shit I like, okaaaaaaaay?!


I finally feel like I am growing and learning to look out for my star player, myself. I spent so much time in the "bad place" - what I call self doubt, anxiety and sadness - when I was with JC. I did not want to go back to that. I could feel my relationship with D pulling me into that dark place and I had to say, "fuck it, this bitch ain't worth it." I am the bitch who is worth it! (Yes, I am in a sassy mood this Friday.) I am so glad I was able to pull out of the funk Saturday and turn my depression into dance. Although I will say my calves were sore until today. But still, I see this as a giant move forward and I am so happy to have made it! I realize that I am in an awesome place and I really don't need anyone else's shit getting in my way. I'm sure that I will come across someone who will rock my world. I'm not sure exactly when that will be, but until then I am just going to kick it with myself, my friends and family and have a good time. I figure the more I can work my own shit out, the better off I will be when that sweet lady comes along. 


Plus, I am getting really excited to begin grad school in the fall. I have ordered a bunch of books from the library so I can start reading up. I can barely explain how awesome it feels to be starting on a career path that I find so exciting, inspiring and amazing. I am looking forward to intellectual debate and rigor. Meeting people with similar ideas and visions. I have always enjoyed academia (though not really until college) and am itching to get back into it. Yeah, there are the anxieties that come along with the administrative end of things, but all that shit will work out. When I get to campus I am going to link up with the PRIDE center, because we all know how much I am obsessed with my gayness. 


In other news, I have finally decided to get another tattoo! I am super stoked about it. It is something that has been on my mind for a while and I am ready to take the plunge. It's funny, but when you talk to people who do not have tattoos they always say, "I could never decide on something that would be on my body forever." But when you talk to people with tattoos, it's a whole 'nother story. They symbolize a specific time or place in your life. My  other tattoo is just that. Silly as it might be, it symbolized the freedom from my marriage and the right to do as I pleased - kind of my first step towards becoming myself. This tattoo is meant to mark another important time in my life - the time in which I finally became who I was inside and the things I have been through this year. It will be a poppy with two leaves. The poppy symbolizes the joy and beauty that my niece has brought to my life - plus, let's face it, she is a wild flower! And the leaves are to honor my dad and my aunt who have passed away. It is important to me that I put this tattoo in a place that I can see, so that I have a daily reminder of the blessings I have in my life. And that no matter what I have the love and support of my family. It will be a variation of this picture:

Also, I came across this really awesome article today that I thought I would share. It is really cool to think about:12 Things You Might Not Have Learned in a Classroom

Really educated people ...

Establish an individual set of values but recognize those of the surrounding community and of the various cultures of the world. 

Explore their own ancestry, culture, and place.

Are comfortable being alone, yet understand dynamics between people and form healthy relationships. 

Accept mortality, knowing that every choice affects the generations to come.

Create new things and find new experiences. 

Think for themselves; observe, analyze, and discover truth without relying on the opinions of others.

Favor love, curiosity, reverence, and empathy rather than material wealth. 

Choose a vocation that contributes to the common good.

Enjoy a variety of new places and experiences but identify and cherish a place to call home. 

Express their own voice with confidence.

Add value to every encounter and every group of which they are a part. 

Always ask: “Who am I? Where are my limits? What are my possibilities?

Some great things for all of us to ponder. Anyway, I hope you all are in your own happy places. Enjoy the holiday weekend!

1 This is my life

After much consideration I have decided to end it with D. I realized that the "relationship" was indeed toxic and not conducive to my mental stability. She saw a friendship, I was always looking or something more. Why was I chasing after someone who has clearly stated that they are not in a place to be chased? I feel like crying. But for a completely different reason that you might be thinking. I do not want to cry for the fact that I am losing D in my life. Quite the contrary. 

The tears I shed are for myself. Tears of happiness. For the first time in my life I have identified something that is negative and harmful to my mental well being and actively taken steps to move away from it. The emotion I am feeling is happiness for standing up for myself and what I want. I do not want to be in a relationship that is not reciprocated. I do not want to be somebody's "friend" when I feel more. I am actually moving towards being more healthy and happy. And that is an amazing feeling. 

I am crying because I have never afforded myself such luxury in life. I have never felt such self worth. Having the conversation with D was hard. Thinking about not having her in my life was scary. But her presence at this point was toxic.  Being able to identify and eradicate this negativity is something I have never been able to do before. Perhaps because I never thought I was worth it. But now I know - No one deserves my time and attention unless they are open and willing to reciprocate. I do not need to devote my affection to someone who is not going to give that affection back to me. Holy shit. I think I am finally learning something here.

I cry tears of happiness because I can finally take care of myself. I cry tears of sadness because it has taken this long to do so. I think I am finally on the road to finding what I want in life. And that makes me want to cry as well. But those are good tears. And I look forward to having many more of them. 

0 Monu-motha-fuckin-mental

Yep. Mark this on your calendars, y'all. This is a monumental moment. So earlier this evening I was spiraling into one of my sad-music-cry-fests-of-depression, you know those really pathetic ones I used to have so often. I listened to one or three depressing songs, started to cry and then switched to my girl, Kelis. She pumped me up, then I decided to have a dance party, by myself, in my apartment. I turned my depression into empowerment. Fuck yeah. And I got some great exercise! Making progress...slowly but surely!

1 Just me, myself & I

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days about where I am and what I want. After getting the "let's just be friends" talk from D, I was a bit bummed out. I mean I had really been putting a shit ton of effort into it and then it was like over? But then I started to really think about it. Why in the fuck do I want to be in a relationship so badly? Why am I so obsessed with attaining this specific goal? Well, I like to blame it on the heterosexual paradigm, which, by the way is my new favorite thing to blame everything on. I was still operating in the mode that I had become so accustomed to living in. Date, date, date - must find a mate! When in reality, I don't need to be dealing with anyone else's business right now because I have plenty of my own!


In our society there are different levels of privilege. There are privileges tied gender, class, race, socioeconomics and sexuality. I believe that there is also privilege in being in a relationship. It is part of the ideal that our culture propagates. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about being in a relationship and if you are in one, more power to you! I have been in good ones and bad ones and have learned in each scenario. But I find that it is important to question why we operate in the way that we do. Stepping outside of the norm has helped me see things from a different perspective. Think about it, as a single person (queer or straight) if you attend social functions by yourself you are often looked at as odd. It could be a wedding, family holiday, school reunion or even something as simple as going to a movie by yourself. People who are alone are not whole. There must be something wrong with a person who enjoys spending time alone. Why can't they get along with other people? What must be wrong with them that they don't have someone to share their time with?


Well, I have decided that it is about time I become more selfish about my time. I think about what I have sacrificed in my life in order to be in a relationship. Not just recently, but in my whole life. I was in a vicious cycle. I kept finding myself in relationships that were okay, even great at times. But I was never truly there, or truly happy. And I hurt people in the process. I was willing to give anything and take anything from others to obtain the privilege of being in a relationship. Shit, I even got married to win the game! I truly thought that's what I wanted.


Now I see things differently. Yes, eventually I would like to be in a relationship. But for now I need to focus on me. Finding happiness for myself and from myself. In the past months, most of my happy times have been derived from someone else's acceptance of me. When I started dating JC, I thought I would explode from happiness. Talking to D also gave me this rush. But what a crappy way to live. The fact that I relied on others to generate my happiness is just stupid. But something, I believe we are taught to seek and accept. I have decided to roll with it and stay friends with D because she is a really fun person to talk to and I think she is pretty awesome. She would be more awesome if she would make out with me, but that is neither here nor there. 


Speaking of making out, is our quest for human connection confused with our need to be in a relationship? What does our society's narrative teach us about the wants of the flesh? I believe we are taught that sexual intimacy should only occur within the constructs of a committed relationship. But the fact is that we all need sex and human connection. I'll be the first to admit it, I am freaking horny over here! I could really use some physical connection about now. But I was trained to think that the only way to get this contact was to begin a relationship. Sure, you should know some basic things about someone before fucking them, like their name and if they are a homicidal maniac (but who knows, homicidal maniacs need love too!) But do we really have to have a "relationship" to have sex? Being someone who has been on both sides of the coin, having had one night stands as well as sex within a relationship I can say that the sex that comes from trust and having feelings for someone is deeper and very fulfilling. But on the other hand, sometimes the best thing is to just get laid and not have to worry about all the rigamarole.


I can't exactly tell you how or why this switch flipped on in my head. All I know is that last week, after going to the Queer Anarchy study group and completing my zine I felt happy for myself for the first time. A giddiness radiated from within me that I produced. And damn, it felt awesome! Learning to be happy for myself and owning it, not feeling guilty about it is something I am finally learning. It really amazes me how much we can all learn if we stop and look at things from a different perspective. I don't think I could have ever seen these things had I not come out. Being queer is at times confusing, scary and difficult. But it is all worth it to be able to realize happiness and have a greater understanding of yourself. I'm not saying everyone out there should gay it up. But I do think that many people could benefit from asking questions about why things are the way they are, why we accept them and why we propagate them, even if we don't believe in these paradigms or they do us harm. So to all my readers out there, try being a little queer. You might just find it suits you! 

1 She's just not that into me

You know what I love the most about blogging? It's like whenever I go out on a limb and publish how awesome something is, it blows up in my face. Is there some hidden blog juju I am unaware of? Geez. So the chick I was swooning over, D just basically told me...wait...no she just outright told me that (paraphrasing with my favorite therapy speak) she isn't through processing her last relationship and that she is looking for more of a friend. Gah. Well at least I have something solid to discuss in my next therapy sessions. But crap, this one was going really well and I was really hoping it would lead somewhere.

So last month, after my breakup with JC, I read the book He's Just Not That Into You at the urging of my sister. Well, it is an interesting read. Although it is so freaking herterobiased it makes some really good points. Basically you have to believe that you are the bomb and not trip if someone isn't into you because you will find someone who is. And that people's behaviors dictate how they fell about you. Do they follow through and keep promises, or do they flake? I really recommend that everyone check it out at least once, it's a short read and is a challenge to most of the things we are taught about men & relationships as women. I think it is meant to save women a lot of time worrying about if a guy is into them or not.


Because I have come late to the lesbian party, I am not sure how this theory translates. Maybe someone needs to write a She's Just Not That Into You book. My plan is to step waaaaaaay back with D. I obviously can't continue to pump so much of my time and energy into something if there is no future. And I am going to attempt to erase the prospect from my mind. The only problem is that she still wants to be friends. And I know myself. I will probably hold a candle for the girl as long as we are talking. So what to do? I really wish I had more experience with these things so I could figure this out. 


On the bright side of things, I went to my first Queer Anarchist study group last night. Holy fuck it was awesome. My pal, Chaos planned it. It was such an amazing and inspiring meeting. It was the first time I had ever discussed what being queer and what being an Anarchist meant to me and in turn I got to listen to other people's experiences. I realized that this community and the Zine community that Chaos has so kindly invited me into are the places where I am going to flourish and grow. These is my people, y'all! I am blessed to find such an inspiring community. Shout out to Chaos! You are the bomb!


In even better news, I booked myself a flight and room to go to the Portland Zine Symposium in August. Chaos, AK and AG, companieras from the Coachella Zine shenanigan are all heading up there for some good times. Can't wait to tear up the city with these ladies. A total bonus to being single, you get to do whatever the fuck you want. Hellz yes!

So in the end D might not be that into me. But you know what, I am. And that's all that matters. Hi-yah!

2 Wow, therapy is really helping!

Hello to anyone who is still out there. Sorry I have been away for so long but I have noticed that weekly therapy is helping me process so much that I don't need to whine to you all so frequently about all of my issues. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, you are the judge.

So let me fill ya in on the happenings of your dear Captain. I have successfully stayed away from JC despite the rule of Lesbian dating which states it isn't over for 6 months or 4 break ups. Sorry, but 2 break ups was more than enough for this gal. I did receive an email from her a couple of weeks ago. On the one hand it was nice to hear her admit that I was fucking awesome and that she screwed things up. But I also couldn't help feeling like it was a bit manipulative. But I guess it means I win? Anyway, I took it for what it was and moved on, just like the relationship. I am happy to say that I am done processing that mess. Onward!

Yes, I returned to OK Cupid. I have been talking to this really awesome chick, D who is currently rocking my world. We have been emailing for about a month and speaking on the phone for a couple of weeks. I finally met her on Saturday. The date was phenomenal. It was so weird to be out with someone who has their shit together. I almost had a heart attack when she paid for dinner. Seriously, I can't remember the last time someone treated me to dinner. We have so much in common and get along really well. I think she is fucking hilarious, beautiful, smart...yeah there is definitely some swooning going on up in here.  I find dating D to be so easy and uncomplicated. I believe she is indicating interest and I indicate interest back so I am not constantly stressed. Now don't get me wrong, I still have the little devil on my shoulder telling me to make big issues out of nothing and that this won't work out, but I have been doing my best to shut him out.


I also stepped out of the norm and went on a date with a butch woman earlier in the month just to try it out. Yeah, butch isn't for me. She was really nice but I just don't find butchy women attractive. It really made me realize how important being a more dominant person in a relationship is to me. Although I see myself as femmy (just go with it) I like to be the one opening doors and bringing the flowers even if I am wearing makeup. I suppose it's tied to my queer identity. I just can't have a butch woman doing these things for me because I feel like it too closely resembles a heterosexual relationship.


I have been doing some really great work in therapy learning about my identity and working through coming out. I have also been doing some reading and trying to understand this new world in which I find myself in. What I find the most awesome is the fact that once you step into queer society, you step into freedom. You can write your own ticket for your lifestyle and relationships. It is a truly awesome awakening. I feel as if I have been floating along for the past several years down the river of life with nothing but an innertube. Now I feel as if I have some oars and a rudder, maybe even a little engine to steer my way into my future. Freedom of choice is definitely a blessing and something I am going to run with.


I remember when I started this blog I was searching to find out if I was indeed gay. I think I knew the answer to that question but needed to work through saying it, writing it and being it. Throughout the past few months I have thought a lot about identity, my identity and how I relate to the world. I remember when I first went to my new psychologist and she asked me point blank how I identified. And I wasn't sure how to answer. Well now I can clearly say that I am gay, a lesbian and also queer. Whoo! It feels good to be sorting these things out. 

Not to say things are all fine and dandy. I still find people who either disagree with my definition of myself, are in denial or wish to define me differently. As a heterosexual woman, this was never a problem. What you saw was what you got. Now people like to argue with me that I am not gay. Men seem to think I just haven't met the right bologna pony while women think I am just doing this for attention. I'm not sure why people have such a fascination with my identity. It is something I am still getting used to. Perhaps I need to be more careful who I let into my circle of trust. 

Speaking of identity, has anyone noticed the complexity that the mainstream media has been giving to gay characters lately? Did anyone catch "Glee" or "Modern Family" this week? Both shows are addressing homosexuality in surprisingly honest ways. "Glee" has introduced a lesbian plot line. The queen of mean, Santana has realized she has feelings for her friend, Brittney. She struggles with the intense love she has for her friend but is not ready to face the stigma and consequences of coming out in high school. Viewing this episode, I felt glad that I did not come out until later. I can't imagine grappling with this on top of everything else that was going on in high school. When I was in high school I just told myself my intense feelings for some of my friends was perfectly normal - definitely not a crush. Haha. The denial worked for many years, y'all. Anyhoo, on "Modern Family" the gay male couple was working through identity issues from the another point of view. One of the characters, Cam is a stay at home father and is a bit more feminine than his partner. On Mother's Day the issue of what makes a mother a mother was explored. Do you have to be a female to be a mother? Or is a mother a nurturer, and gender neutral? I will have to say that I was really surprised such mainstream shows dealt with these issues deeply and intelligently. 

Who knows, had these discussions taken place on TV when I was a kid I might have been more self aware and come out earlier. I realize that my own self awareness came forth in a combination of ways. In addition to my own self discovery I was blessed to have positive lesbian role models who were friends, showing me the possibility of happiness in my own life. In addition to Princess Star, I have 2 beautiful friends who have been such an inspiration. They have been together for about 5 years and their relationship is a true model for any relationship, gay or straight. I have known both of these ladies for a long time. I went to preschool with one of them and high school with the other. I hope one day to be able to find a partner and a relationship that is as beautiful as theirs. 

I have been super obsessed with Kelis' new album, "Flesh Tone." This song is really hitting home for me right now.

Scream

By: Kelis

Been running in place for such a long time
Stuck in a race in the wrong line
When it all came down on me.
And I haven't had faith for such a long time
Am I outta place or out of my mind
Should it all fall down on me

Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to sing so just scream

You'll never know
If you don't let it out
You've had enough
They'll call your bluff
You cant back down lost in a crowd
You've won the right to scream and shout
They'll talk about you lost your cool
There is no point who makes the rules
So lets get to it
Now you'll prove it
Break out

Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout

Been running in place for such a long time
Stuck in a race in the wrong line
When it all came down on me.
And I haven't had faith for such a long time
Am I outta place or out of my mind
Should it all fall down on me

Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to sing so just scream

Sound the alarm
Raise your arms
Your on your own
Your not alone
Big city got you on the ground
Afraid to fight don't make a sound
So lets get to it
Now you'll prove it
Push back

Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout

Been running in place for such a long time
Stuck in a race in the wrong line
When it all came down on me.
And I haven't had faith for such a long time
Am I outta place or out of my mind
Should it all fall down on me

Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to sing so just scream

0 Hasta Luego Fauxhawk

I have finally decided (with some goading from some family members...you know who you are) to give up my fauxhawk. I have been rocking the style for about 6 months now and I think I am finally over it. Not that we didn't have fun together and many good times. I am just ready to move on to a different style. One that is less IN YO' FACE!

I think part of this change comes from talking to my shrink. I came to realize that when I came out I wanted to have a crazy ass hair style to help define who I was. I think I have moved past that phase in my life now and am ready to leave that old part behind. I don't want to be "that girl with the hair." I thought about the type of people my hair would be attracting and I am not so sure those people are who I want to date. Also, I will be starting my Masters in the fall and moving to a new career which is quite a bit different than my current profession. Plus I am getting old, y'all! Basically I had my fun, worked it out and am ready for something new. 

I feel like I have crossed into a new phase of my journey. I have determined conclusively that I am gay, come out to people in my life, dated, was in a relationship and have been learning along the way. It's time to move to the next step in the process, which (I think?) is finding out who I am and what I want from life & a partner. So, fauxhawk, I bid you a sweet farewell. It was fun while it lasted.

0 Oh Happy Gay!

I just got back from my psychologist appointment. It was so AWESOME! For some reason the gods are finally smiling on Captain Awkward. Not only is she an awesome therapist, but she is also gay and one of her specialties is gay issues! This is perfect. I am gay! And I have issues!

Dr. A had many great insights. I am really stoked to start working with her to learn and understand myself. I can't tell you how great it feels to have someone who really understands and is going to help me move forward. I feel like doing a jig!

2 Day by day

Tomorrow will be 1 week since JC dumped me. For some reason it feels like this week is dragging on FOREVER! It seemed like time flew when we were together but now it is creeping like a slug. I am working on moving forward...I deleted (and also blocked) her from my Facebook, deleted her number from my phone (to protect myself from any drunk texting/dialing incidents), reactivated my Ok Cupid account and made an appointment with a new shrink. I know I can't make myself get over this but I just wish this shit would be over already.  Ugh.

As for Ok Cupid - I have seen a couple of people who look interesting and have even started messaging with a girl. It has been nice to have my mind on something else. I had a very cool and beautiful girl message me who was 23 and in college. Although we did have a lot in common I wrote her back thanking her for the message but let her know that stability was really important to me right now and that I couldn't date a student. I felt like this was a step in the right direction. I identified something that I want in a partner and did not get sucked into talking to someone who did not have that trait. Whew, it was a big step for me. 

I am confused because on the one hand, I think it is important to get out there again and start meeting people. On the other hand I know it would be a bad idea to just replace the empty mental space with another person. How to find this balance? 

Do any of you have recommendations on any (gah, I can't believe I am saying this) self help books that help you identify what you want in a relationship and how to work towards finding a person with those traits? I know several of you bitches are happily married to great people. How did you figure out what you wanted from a partner? And how did you stick to those resolutions until you found what you wanted?

0 My new anthem

Song = awesome. Video = hot. What more can you ask for?

Next Girl

The Black Keys

Well, the look of the cake, it ain't
It ain't always the taste
My ex girl, she had such a
Such a beautiful face

I wanted love
But not for myself
But for the girl, so she could
So she could love herself

Oh, my next girl
Will be nothing like my ex girl
I made mistakes back then
I'll never do it again

Oh, my next girl
She'll be nothing like my ex girl
It was a painful death
Now, I got a second chance

Oh, her beautiful face and her
And her wicked ways
And I'm praying for
Her beautiful face everyday

All that work, over
Over so much time
If I, if I think too hard
I might lose my mind

Oh, my next girl, yeah
Will be nothing like my ex girl
I made mistakes back then
I'll never do it again

Yeah, my next girl
She'll be nothing like my ex girl
That was a painful death and I
I got a second chance, yeah

Next girl, yeah
My next girl

1 Well, that really sucked

I suppose I am not really surprised that things between JC and I didn't work out. We were pretty much doomed from the start. So much drama, inconsistency and inconsideracy (not a work, but I am going with it) from the very beginning can't work out for a positive relationship. 

Two Sundays ago I was at JC's house for her cousin's birthday party. I had helped her clean and get ready for the party. Now let me just tell you, as a compulsive person it is really hard for me to deal with a dirty home. This was always hard for me when I went to JC's. I would specifically bring flip flops as I couldn't stand walking on the floors because it freaked me out so bad. I was pretty jazzed that there was an excuse for her to clean the place up so that it wouldn't be so gross. Now I had anticipated that she would be working on the house throughout the week, seeing that she only works part time and has time to do these types of things. I assumed I was only going to be helping with last minute pick up. Umm...no. She had done nothing the whole week and the whole house needed a serious cleaning. I estimate that the place had not had a decent cleaning in about a year. So what else could I do? I rolled up my sleeves and helped clean the place up. For hours. But at least it was clean so I could feel more comfortable there.

The party went well. JC's cousin's girlfriend threw him a surprise party and there was much drinking and merriment. Perhaps too much drinking...I have a bit of a tendency to bottle up feelings and then let them loose when I have been drinking. It's an ugly and destructive behavior pattern, I know - but sometimes it just explodes out of me. This was one of those times. When we were going to bed, something that JC said just set me off. I went ahead and told her that I was putting in 99% of the work in the relationship and she was only putting in 1%. I asked her how many of her other girlfriends would clean her bathroom? I asked her why she could be so kind to other people in her life, but treat me like garbage. And a whole mess of other shit. As I recall we yelled and cried and then worked it out before going to bed. I got up early because I wanted to go home before I went to work. 

I knew the fight was pretty epic, even for me, but I thought we had resolution. You know, like the other time I thought we had resolution when she said she would treat me better, but then didn't. Things seemed normal until last Thursday. I was having an epically bad day at work. Had been yelled at by a customer, got in trouble by a supervisor and then my building's alarm went off. Seriously, I haven't had a day this bad in a long freaking time. I texted JC about it and she pretty much blew me off. So later she said that she really wanted to talk about the fight on Sunday. I was totally wiped out from my day, plus I was planning on going to see her the next day. I told her I had such a bad day that I couldn't really handle talking about it that night and if possible, could we discuss it tomorrow in person. She seemed to agree and called me later for what I assumed was just a check-in chat. After about an hour, when I was feeling better, looking forward to seeing her the next day, she launched into "the talk." Thanks for the blindside!

Basically she said she is in a bad place right now and can't give me anything. She said I deserved better. Well, I couldn't have put it better myself. But fuck, it still hurt to hear someone who you are in love with tell you they have nothing to give you. Who knows if she would have pulled the plug had I not went off Sunday. But I am glad I told her the things I did because obviously they were really bothering me.

I am actually glad she dumped me. Because for some reason I did not have the strength to do so myself. I don't think I could have left. It seemed the more toxic the relationship got, the more I wanted it. This is a scary thing to come to terms with. I knew she was bad news, everyone around me agreed. But I just couldn't help myself. My friend Dutch was talking to me about it and told me that it seemed like I was in an abusive relationship. Now that I think back on it, she is right. The cycle of JC being mean to me and disrespecting me and then being very needy was indeed the toxic potion that I came to crave. I have seriously never been in a relationship where someone fucked with my emotions in that way. So I did what I thought was the solution...love her more, try harder. Well this is definitely not the solution. I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I let someone treat me this way. I have never been hurt by anyone in a relationship the way JC hurt me. And I couldn't leave! I need to really focus on why I let someone treat me disrespectfully and why I stayed. I think I am actually more mad at myself than I am at JC because I should have known better. What the fuck was I thinking?!

On top of coping with the fact that I was a total sucker, I am having to deal with the void not having JC in my life has left. So much of my time, mental & emotional energy was focused on her and our relationship. I'm having to relearn to focus on myself and take care of myself. I would like to say that I have learned and that I will never do this again. But the truth is, I keep living the same relationships. I have a defined pattern and unless I really take the time now to understand why I seek this un-fulfilling pattern I am doomed to rinse & repeat. So it is back to therapy I go. I am going to see a new shrink and start fresh. In addition to focusing on why I repeat the same mistakes I want to also learn how to identify what I want in a relationship and how to find that in a partner. And also how to walk away if that partner does not fulfill my needs. Another insightful point that Dutch brought up was that for the first time I am looking for a real partner. Not just someone who I can tolerate being with. 

I had a bit of an epiphany the other night when I was hanging with my good friend Betty. We have been friends since high school and are both working on moving on from negative people in our lives. I made some soup (one of my favorite Sunday activities) and called to see if she wanted to come over. Not only did she come over but she also stopped and got salad for us to share. We enjoyed the meal, watched some TV and enjoyed each other's company. About halfway through the night I turned to Betty and said, "See! Look how easy this is! This is how a relationship should be!" Not that I want to be with Betty in any way other than a friend, but it really made me see how simple, fun and uncomplicated a night can be. Somehow I had forgotten this. 

I have some awesome things to look forward to in the future. Most notably COACHELLA! I can't wait to head out to the desert and see some awesome bands. I am actually viewing this trip as my own personal spirit quest. I'll be camping for 5 days, which I have never done before. I am heading out with some people that are super awesome and I can't wait to get to know all of them better and live this experience with them. I couldn't think of a better group to be with. And mostly I will be experiencing something so epic as a single person, with myself to rely on.

Added bonus to my readers: You can all look forward to my blog content improving. With JC out of my life I will be a lot less winy and a lot more interesting. Haha. Thanks for continuing to check in. And an extra thanks to all of you who put up with my bullshit the past few months!

0 I got dumped

More on that later. I am off to go on a good old fashioned drunk.

0 Love & Loss

I admit it. I suck. I promised to be more diligent about posting but alas, I have failed. It has been a really crazy couple of weeks. So let me fill you in...

A couple of weeks ago, JC lost her cat in a violent way. A dog attacked him and it was very traumatic for her. I happened to be off the day it happened so I was able to go over to her house and comfort her. She was really close to her cat and so the past few weeks have been really rough. It is so difficult to see someone who you care about so much feel pain. I have been doing whatever I can to be there for her. I am actually very surprised that she was as open with me about her grief. It was touching how vulnerable she was willing to let herself be with me. It definitely deepened my feelings for her. I can in all honesty say that I am in love with JC. Having worked through these tough times together I have seen a whole new side of her. I hope that my being there for her has also shown her that she can trust me. 

Not to say that there haven't been ups and downs. The pressure of taking care of someone who is grieving is intense. Although I know I am a good comforter, I have a really difficult time identifying with people in grief. Ever since my dad died, things just don't rattle me as much. Having survived the death of a parent, and not only a parent but an awesome dad who was my mentor and friend I just can't really understand sadness in the same way as I used to. I also lost an Aunt who I was very close to a couple of years before my dad. The loss of these people in my life changed the way I process grief. I can understand why JC is so upset in a literal sense but not in an emotional sense. Because I feel this way it has been hard to know how to comfort her. I just do the best that I can. 

JC has been very grateful for my help and I know that letting her guard down isn't exactly easy. But is it easy for any of us? I feel like I have definitely walked deeper into this relationship after these past few weeks. I am really drawn to JC. The most magnetic thing about her is her life experiences and how she views life. When we discuss family, life and our pasts although the texts are different the themes are very similar. I felt this from our first date. Yes, there are bumps in the road and some things that need to be worked out but I just feel like I have to keep moving forward. Fuck yeah, it is scary. My feelings are definitely involved at this point.

Although this sounds completely crazy to say, especially someone who is 29, I feel like for the first time I am making love with another person - that I am fully present when we are together in the biblical sense. In my past relationships I always had to separate myself from the act to get through it. I was never that turned on my men and really never enjoyed sex. I would use booze or mental blocks (like fantasizing about women) to remove myself. As a mater of fact I don't think I ever had sex while I was sober before JC. Learning to be present hasn't been easy. I am learning true intimacy for the first time. It's a pretty mind blowing experience; both beautiful and frightening. Beautiful because I can finally understand the intense bond that sexual intimacy can create between two people. Frightening because it is a state of true vulnerability and surrender of control.

My friend, Dutch made a keen observation the other day. She commented that for me, coming out is is like I am having to learn life all over again. And many days that is exactly how it feels. Sex is just one example. But I am finding out that many of the ways I relate to life, other people and social situations has changed. Some days I feel like it is the first time that I am learning how to relate to myself. 


I have been listening to this song lately and on top of just being an awesome song I think it speaks to where I am right now. I hope you enjoy...

Try

Nelly Furtado

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love