This is my life

After much consideration I have decided to end it with D. I realized that the "relationship" was indeed toxic and not conducive to my mental stability. She saw a friendship, I was always looking or something more. Why was I chasing after someone who has clearly stated that they are not in a place to be chased? I feel like crying. But for a completely different reason that you might be thinking. I do not want to cry for the fact that I am losing D in my life. Quite the contrary. 

The tears I shed are for myself. Tears of happiness. For the first time in my life I have identified something that is negative and harmful to my mental well being and actively taken steps to move away from it. The emotion I am feeling is happiness for standing up for myself and what I want. I do not want to be in a relationship that is not reciprocated. I do not want to be somebody's "friend" when I feel more. I am actually moving towards being more healthy and happy. And that is an amazing feeling. 

I am crying because I have never afforded myself such luxury in life. I have never felt such self worth. Having the conversation with D was hard. Thinking about not having her in my life was scary. But her presence at this point was toxic.  Being able to identify and eradicate this negativity is something I have never been able to do before. Perhaps because I never thought I was worth it. But now I know - No one deserves my time and attention unless they are open and willing to reciprocate. I do not need to devote my affection to someone who is not going to give that affection back to me. Holy shit. I think I am finally learning something here.

I cry tears of happiness because I can finally take care of myself. I cry tears of sadness because it has taken this long to do so. I think I am finally on the road to finding what I want in life. And that makes me want to cry as well. But those are good tears. And I look forward to having many more of them.