Just me, myself & I

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days about where I am and what I want. After getting the "let's just be friends" talk from D, I was a bit bummed out. I mean I had really been putting a shit ton of effort into it and then it was like over? But then I started to really think about it. Why in the fuck do I want to be in a relationship so badly? Why am I so obsessed with attaining this specific goal? Well, I like to blame it on the heterosexual paradigm, which, by the way is my new favorite thing to blame everything on. I was still operating in the mode that I had become so accustomed to living in. Date, date, date - must find a mate! When in reality, I don't need to be dealing with anyone else's business right now because I have plenty of my own!


In our society there are different levels of privilege. There are privileges tied gender, class, race, socioeconomics and sexuality. I believe that there is also privilege in being in a relationship. It is part of the ideal that our culture propagates. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about being in a relationship and if you are in one, more power to you! I have been in good ones and bad ones and have learned in each scenario. But I find that it is important to question why we operate in the way that we do. Stepping outside of the norm has helped me see things from a different perspective. Think about it, as a single person (queer or straight) if you attend social functions by yourself you are often looked at as odd. It could be a wedding, family holiday, school reunion or even something as simple as going to a movie by yourself. People who are alone are not whole. There must be something wrong with a person who enjoys spending time alone. Why can't they get along with other people? What must be wrong with them that they don't have someone to share their time with?


Well, I have decided that it is about time I become more selfish about my time. I think about what I have sacrificed in my life in order to be in a relationship. Not just recently, but in my whole life. I was in a vicious cycle. I kept finding myself in relationships that were okay, even great at times. But I was never truly there, or truly happy. And I hurt people in the process. I was willing to give anything and take anything from others to obtain the privilege of being in a relationship. Shit, I even got married to win the game! I truly thought that's what I wanted.


Now I see things differently. Yes, eventually I would like to be in a relationship. But for now I need to focus on me. Finding happiness for myself and from myself. In the past months, most of my happy times have been derived from someone else's acceptance of me. When I started dating JC, I thought I would explode from happiness. Talking to D also gave me this rush. But what a crappy way to live. The fact that I relied on others to generate my happiness is just stupid. But something, I believe we are taught to seek and accept. I have decided to roll with it and stay friends with D because she is a really fun person to talk to and I think she is pretty awesome. She would be more awesome if she would make out with me, but that is neither here nor there. 


Speaking of making out, is our quest for human connection confused with our need to be in a relationship? What does our society's narrative teach us about the wants of the flesh? I believe we are taught that sexual intimacy should only occur within the constructs of a committed relationship. But the fact is that we all need sex and human connection. I'll be the first to admit it, I am freaking horny over here! I could really use some physical connection about now. But I was trained to think that the only way to get this contact was to begin a relationship. Sure, you should know some basic things about someone before fucking them, like their name and if they are a homicidal maniac (but who knows, homicidal maniacs need love too!) But do we really have to have a "relationship" to have sex? Being someone who has been on both sides of the coin, having had one night stands as well as sex within a relationship I can say that the sex that comes from trust and having feelings for someone is deeper and very fulfilling. But on the other hand, sometimes the best thing is to just get laid and not have to worry about all the rigamarole.


I can't exactly tell you how or why this switch flipped on in my head. All I know is that last week, after going to the Queer Anarchy study group and completing my zine I felt happy for myself for the first time. A giddiness radiated from within me that I produced. And damn, it felt awesome! Learning to be happy for myself and owning it, not feeling guilty about it is something I am finally learning. It really amazes me how much we can all learn if we stop and look at things from a different perspective. I don't think I could have ever seen these things had I not come out. Being queer is at times confusing, scary and difficult. But it is all worth it to be able to realize happiness and have a greater understanding of yourself. I'm not saying everyone out there should gay it up. But I do think that many people could benefit from asking questions about why things are the way they are, why we accept them and why we propagate them, even if we don't believe in these paradigms or they do us harm. So to all my readers out there, try being a little queer. You might just find it suits you!