Wow, therapy is really helping!

Hello to anyone who is still out there. Sorry I have been away for so long but I have noticed that weekly therapy is helping me process so much that I don't need to whine to you all so frequently about all of my issues. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, you are the judge.

So let me fill ya in on the happenings of your dear Captain. I have successfully stayed away from JC despite the rule of Lesbian dating which states it isn't over for 6 months or 4 break ups. Sorry, but 2 break ups was more than enough for this gal. I did receive an email from her a couple of weeks ago. On the one hand it was nice to hear her admit that I was fucking awesome and that she screwed things up. But I also couldn't help feeling like it was a bit manipulative. But I guess it means I win? Anyway, I took it for what it was and moved on, just like the relationship. I am happy to say that I am done processing that mess. Onward!

Yes, I returned to OK Cupid. I have been talking to this really awesome chick, D who is currently rocking my world. We have been emailing for about a month and speaking on the phone for a couple of weeks. I finally met her on Saturday. The date was phenomenal. It was so weird to be out with someone who has their shit together. I almost had a heart attack when she paid for dinner. Seriously, I can't remember the last time someone treated me to dinner. We have so much in common and get along really well. I think she is fucking hilarious, beautiful, smart...yeah there is definitely some swooning going on up in here.  I find dating D to be so easy and uncomplicated. I believe she is indicating interest and I indicate interest back so I am not constantly stressed. Now don't get me wrong, I still have the little devil on my shoulder telling me to make big issues out of nothing and that this won't work out, but I have been doing my best to shut him out.


I also stepped out of the norm and went on a date with a butch woman earlier in the month just to try it out. Yeah, butch isn't for me. She was really nice but I just don't find butchy women attractive. It really made me realize how important being a more dominant person in a relationship is to me. Although I see myself as femmy (just go with it) I like to be the one opening doors and bringing the flowers even if I am wearing makeup. I suppose it's tied to my queer identity. I just can't have a butch woman doing these things for me because I feel like it too closely resembles a heterosexual relationship.


I have been doing some really great work in therapy learning about my identity and working through coming out. I have also been doing some reading and trying to understand this new world in which I find myself in. What I find the most awesome is the fact that once you step into queer society, you step into freedom. You can write your own ticket for your lifestyle and relationships. It is a truly awesome awakening. I feel as if I have been floating along for the past several years down the river of life with nothing but an innertube. Now I feel as if I have some oars and a rudder, maybe even a little engine to steer my way into my future. Freedom of choice is definitely a blessing and something I am going to run with.


I remember when I started this blog I was searching to find out if I was indeed gay. I think I knew the answer to that question but needed to work through saying it, writing it and being it. Throughout the past few months I have thought a lot about identity, my identity and how I relate to the world. I remember when I first went to my new psychologist and she asked me point blank how I identified. And I wasn't sure how to answer. Well now I can clearly say that I am gay, a lesbian and also queer. Whoo! It feels good to be sorting these things out. 

Not to say things are all fine and dandy. I still find people who either disagree with my definition of myself, are in denial or wish to define me differently. As a heterosexual woman, this was never a problem. What you saw was what you got. Now people like to argue with me that I am not gay. Men seem to think I just haven't met the right bologna pony while women think I am just doing this for attention. I'm not sure why people have such a fascination with my identity. It is something I am still getting used to. Perhaps I need to be more careful who I let into my circle of trust. 

Speaking of identity, has anyone noticed the complexity that the mainstream media has been giving to gay characters lately? Did anyone catch "Glee" or "Modern Family" this week? Both shows are addressing homosexuality in surprisingly honest ways. "Glee" has introduced a lesbian plot line. The queen of mean, Santana has realized she has feelings for her friend, Brittney. She struggles with the intense love she has for her friend but is not ready to face the stigma and consequences of coming out in high school. Viewing this episode, I felt glad that I did not come out until later. I can't imagine grappling with this on top of everything else that was going on in high school. When I was in high school I just told myself my intense feelings for some of my friends was perfectly normal - definitely not a crush. Haha. The denial worked for many years, y'all. Anyhoo, on "Modern Family" the gay male couple was working through identity issues from the another point of view. One of the characters, Cam is a stay at home father and is a bit more feminine than his partner. On Mother's Day the issue of what makes a mother a mother was explored. Do you have to be a female to be a mother? Or is a mother a nurturer, and gender neutral? I will have to say that I was really surprised such mainstream shows dealt with these issues deeply and intelligently. 

Who knows, had these discussions taken place on TV when I was a kid I might have been more self aware and come out earlier. I realize that my own self awareness came forth in a combination of ways. In addition to my own self discovery I was blessed to have positive lesbian role models who were friends, showing me the possibility of happiness in my own life. In addition to Princess Star, I have 2 beautiful friends who have been such an inspiration. They have been together for about 5 years and their relationship is a true model for any relationship, gay or straight. I have known both of these ladies for a long time. I went to preschool with one of them and high school with the other. I hope one day to be able to find a partner and a relationship that is as beautiful as theirs. 

I have been super obsessed with Kelis' new album, "Flesh Tone." This song is really hitting home for me right now.

Scream

By: Kelis

Been running in place for such a long time
Stuck in a race in the wrong line
When it all came down on me.
And I haven't had faith for such a long time
Am I outta place or out of my mind
Should it all fall down on me

Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to sing so just scream

You'll never know
If you don't let it out
You've had enough
They'll call your bluff
You cant back down lost in a crowd
You've won the right to scream and shout
They'll talk about you lost your cool
There is no point who makes the rules
So lets get to it
Now you'll prove it
Break out

Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout

Been running in place for such a long time
Stuck in a race in the wrong line
When it all came down on me.
And I haven't had faith for such a long time
Am I outta place or out of my mind
Should it all fall down on me

Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to sing so just scream

Sound the alarm
Raise your arms
Your on your own
Your not alone
Big city got you on the ground
Afraid to fight don't make a sound
So lets get to it
Now you'll prove it
Push back

Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout
Scream and shout

Been running in place for such a long time
Stuck in a race in the wrong line
When it all came down on me.
And I haven't had faith for such a long time
Am I outta place or out of my mind
Should it all fall down on me

Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to live so just dream
Its not enough to sing so just scream