A couple of weeks ago, JC lost her cat in a violent way. A dog attacked him and it was very traumatic for her. I happened to be off the day it happened so I was able to go over to her house and comfort her. She was really close to her cat and so the past few weeks have been really rough. It is so difficult to see someone who you care about so much feel pain. I have been doing whatever I can to be there for her. I am actually very surprised that she was as open with me about her grief. It was touching how vulnerable she was willing to let herself be with me. It definitely deepened my feelings for her. I can in all honesty say that I am in love with JC. Having worked through these tough times together I have seen a whole new side of her. I hope that my being there for her has also shown her that she can trust me.
Not to say that there haven't been ups and downs. The pressure of taking care of someone who is grieving is intense. Although I know I am a good comforter, I have a really difficult time identifying with people in grief. Ever since my dad died, things just don't rattle me as much. Having survived the death of a parent, and not only a parent but an awesome dad who was my mentor and friend I just can't really understand sadness in the same way as I used to. I also lost an Aunt who I was very close to a couple of years before my dad. The loss of these people in my life changed the way I process grief. I can understand why JC is so upset in a literal sense but not in an emotional sense. Because I feel this way it has been hard to know how to comfort her. I just do the best that I can.
JC has been very grateful for my help and I know that letting her guard down isn't exactly easy. But is it easy for any of us? I feel like I have definitely walked deeper into this relationship after these past few weeks. I am really drawn to JC. The most magnetic thing about her is her life experiences and how she views life. When we discuss family, life and our pasts although the texts are different the themes are very similar. I felt this from our first date. Yes, there are bumps in the road and some things that need to be worked out but I just feel like I have to keep moving forward. Fuck yeah, it is scary. My feelings are definitely involved at this point.
Although this sounds completely crazy to say, especially someone who is 29, I feel like for the first time I am making love with another person - that I am fully present when we are together in the biblical sense. In my past relationships I always had to separate myself from the act to get through it. I was never that turned on my men and really never enjoyed sex. I would use booze or mental blocks (like fantasizing about women) to remove myself. As a mater of fact I don't think I ever had sex while I was sober before JC. Learning to be present hasn't been easy. I am learning true intimacy for the first time. It's a pretty mind blowing experience; both beautiful and frightening. Beautiful because I can finally understand the intense bond that sexual intimacy can create between two people. Frightening because it is a state of true vulnerability and surrender of control.
My friend, Dutch made a keen observation the other day. She commented that for me, coming out is is like I am having to learn life all over again. And many days that is exactly how it feels. Sex is just one example. But I am finding out that many of the ways I relate to life, other people and social situations has changed. Some days I feel like it is the first time that I am learning how to relate to myself.
I have been listening to this song lately and on top of just being an awesome song I think it speaks to where I am right now. I hope you enjoy...
Try
Nelly Furtado
All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try
All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love
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