3 Dating: Fun or emotional torture?

As you all might have picked up on, I have a tendency to over analyze social situations. I think it is just hard wired into my DNA! So I have found dating to be kind of excruciating. I over think every statement, text, how long it took to respond to a text, etc...

I know part of being an attractive partner is to appear as if you do not care so much and neediness is a total turnoff. But where is the fucking happy medium? How do you play it cool and also communicate interest? I just feel like every move I make is the wrong one. Example:

I went on another OK Cupid date on Thursday. Let's call her LOL (because she has a tendency to say that a lot in texts). I had been texting with LOL for a week before our date. I really enjoyed it and felt like we were hitting it off. I was really looking forward to our date. Thursday finally rolls around. We met at a bar downtown.

My impression of the night: It went awesome! We had many things in common, chatted and had a good time. The bar got really crowded so I invited her back to my place. We continued to laugh and chat but there was no monkey business (still trying to figure out the rules on 1st date hanky panky, so I am abstaining for now). I walked her to her car, gave her a hug and then she said, "We should hang out again." 

Now I am going to go on a bit of a bird walk (but hang with me, this will play into the larger story)...On Xmas eve I was hanging out with my brothers from another mother. My best pals growing up, Meeker & Frosty Mug know me very well. But as we have gotten older the chances to hang out together have become fewer and far between. But I love those guys and when we do get the chance to hang out, pure chaos ensues. We finally had some time to spend with each other so I thought that this would be the right time to come out to my bros. They were happy for me and supportive but even more excited because now they have someone to find and review good lesbian porn. In the spirit of the holidays, I told them about Ultimate Surrender. I feel like this makes up for the time I told them Santa wasn't real. Haha. 

Anyhoo...enough about porn. I was telling them about my date and asking them for advice. If you are interested in a person, is it the best idea to make those intentions known? Both Meeker and Frosty Mug told me that when they like a girl, they will ask her out again quickly, because that is what feels right to them. They told me to forget the rules about waiting X amount of days because that is lame. So I figured, "why not?" I am going to put myself out there and see what happens. I texted LOL and told her that I would like to make dinner for her (this isn't totally out of left field, we have been talking about how she can't cook and that she is impressed that I can do so) and if she was free on Sunday. Well, her reply sounded positive but she said she has tentative plans with a friend Sunday night and could we postpone to the next Sunday. When I consulted with my bros on this text, they were skeptical that she would want to wait a whole week to get together again. They said I should suggest another night in this week and see what happens. But, being a person who values a schedule, I opted to just reply that we could play it by ear and if it didn't work out this week, we could figure something else out. So I did not confirm for next Sunday. This seemed to go over well.


So on Xmas, we are still texting back and forth. Good times. But now the texting, which had been pretty frequent, has slowed to a crawl. I also notice that she gives short answers and does not ask questions in her replies. She texted me late Sunday afternoon to say she couldn't make it to dinner because she was going out with her friend, which I appreciated because she could have just totally blew me off. I decided to play it cool, and just reply, "have fun." Now here is my question, should I have attempted to confirm the date for the next week, or is it good that I just kept it vague? And what should I do now? Wait for her to say something or should I bring it up? She did seem interested in the dinner date...hmm..I need some advice from all of you out there!


Now in the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit to two shameful things I did on Xmas. The first, was that I drunk dialed LOL - which may account for the distancing on her part. But, in my own defense I left a very short message, that just said, "Merry Xmas, hope you are having a good day." I rerecorded the damn thing like 4 times to make sure it didn't sound crazy (and yes, I am fully aware that the fact that I rerecorded the message so many times is crazy). The second shameful act was that I called Xena for a rendezvous. Thankfully she didn't come over but now I have opened up that can of worms again. But damn, sometimes all you need is a warm body! Am I right? And Cha Cha, if you are reading this, I hope you are happy with the full disclosure. Haha.

To tell you the truth this weekend was a bit more difficult than I had expected. I used to get depressed around the holidays when I was younger. But this year I thought I was coasting through just fine. But then on Xmas eve, I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, hanging out with my brothers was amazing. Being with them and their family was like going home for Xmas (literally, their parents live across the street from the house I grew up in). And I had a great time with my family on Xmas day. It was a beautiful celebration. But when I got home I realized that this was the first time I was going to sleep alone on Xmas. I have either lived at home or with someone every year of my life. Just being here alone (and drunk) was a bit overwhelming. Plus, I really miss my dad around Xmas because that was a really special time for us. We would always try to escape all of my mom's chores and have fun. So I had my own personal "airing of grievances." I put on some John Frusciante and a good, long cry (which I must say, was long overdue). I think had to really feel and accept the loneliness - which was pretty hard and depressing. But at least I have made it through that scary moment and can move forward. And thank Black Jesus that Xmas comes but once a year!


All of these complex emotions I was having this weekend really fucked up my ability to think clearly about my most recent date with LOL. I mean, seriously, I can't even believe what I just wrote about the whole thing. I sound fucking crazy! Everything is probably perfectly normal. I should just be happy she is speaking to me after the 1st date, right? I know I need to ease up and be more relaxed about dating. It is supposed to be fun, right? But all of the recent rejections have really gotten into my head. I feel like I don't have the energy (or courage) to step up to the plate and put myself out there with LOL. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing, no matter what the situation. Ugh. If I can't even like myself, and have confidence in my choices - how can I expect anyone to reciprocate?

5 Lesson Learned: 22 = Too Young

Because nothing normal can ever happen in my life...
So my rendezvous with Xena this weekend is now haunting me. I'm not sure if it is because she is so young but she has kind of latched onto me. I didn't mention this in the last post but when we were hanging out she kept bringing up that she couldn't believe that I didn't have a girlfriend and that she thought I probably had one but was lying about it. Talk about a total turnoff. I'm not sure what the hell this is all about but I don't have a girlfriend! I told her once and don't really think it is necessary to repeat myself. My guess is that she must have been screwed over in the past - but why is that my problem? So now she keeps texting me about it. And I just don't know what to say! Wait, actually I know exactly what to say, "Bitch, I don't have a girlfriend! Drop it!" Oh man, what have I gotten myself into?

1 Oasis...Maybe I misjudged you

In the past I have been pretty critical of the gay nightclub, Oasis in Upland. I had been there on several occasions but didn't really have a good time. But on Friday night, my pal Cubano hit me up and suggested we check it out. I agreed because any time I go out with Cubano, it is an awesome time. To make the deal sweeter, Banana joined us as well. As we sipped on Go Go Girls! (Go Girl! energy drink & vodka) we got ready for what was to become a very interesting night...

We got to the club around 11:30 and headed out to the dance floor. We were shutting that mother fucker down when this girl came up to me. She told me I was cute and that she wanted to buy me a drink. Well, flattery and free booze will just about get you anywhere in my book, so I agreed. Now here is where the story gets interesting. As we were chatting over drinks, I discovered the following similarities between the two of us:

1. We share the same first name (but for the sake of this blog, her name shall be Xena, because who wouldn't want to share a name with a warrior princess?!)
2. We are both divorced
3. She currently works at a place I used to work at - as a matter of fact, the place I met Banana, Cheer Boy and Dazzle
4. She has the same birthday as my dad
5. She also has a lynx point Siamese cat

Freaking weird, right? I was pretty blown away by the whole thing. We had a good night, danced and talked and as luck would have it, her friend hit it off with my friend Cubano! 

It was an awesome evening. And after all of the mediocre dates I have been on lately it was great to finally connect with someone and have a good time. Xena is pretty different from the other women I have been out with. First of all she is pretty young, definitely too young for me to date seriously. But I'm really not trying to be in a relationship right now, so someone to hang out with occasionally is more up my alley. 


What I discovered under the bright lights and thumping bass at Oasis was that we all have ideas of who we would like to be in a relationship. I guess you could say, the roles we would like to take on. It is important to find a person who brings that person out of you, as that makes you more authentic. Finding Xena was like finding another piece of my inner puzzle because now I know that I need to reset my search strategy and seek out a different kind of woman than I have been looking for. I think I have been seeking out women who are just like me, but that is not the type of woman that will make for a fun and exciting relationship (wait, did I just totally dis myself?!) What I am trying to say is that I now know that my ideal partner is not a mirror image of myself and that I am going to have to look in different places if I am going to find the zsa zsa zoo. 


I would like to think that I will see Xena again, but I am not really sure how to navigate the "I'm not looking for a relationship, but am more than willing to make out" conversation. Not sure how that is going to go over. I guess I will just have to see. But I am happy to report that this encounter has given me the breath of fresh air I needed to head back into the first date doldrums. As a matter of fact, I have a date on Thursday with another OK Cupid find. I have some hope for this one because she seems pretty cool and we have been texting over the weekend. I haven't been out with anyone yet who texts before meeting. I think I like it. :)

2 Why I love Vegas and other updates

Please accept my apologies for the gap in posts. Last week was a serious cluster fuck with finishing an online class and other issues at work. But now things have settled down and can finally dish! Hooray.

I headed to Vegas for my friend Banana's birthday on Sunday and Monday. Dazzle (from Sacramento) and our other pal Cheer Boy also accompanied us on the trip. It was a total blast.We had a rocking suite at the Rio and if I do say so myself, we shut that city down. On Sunday night we went to a club at the Bellagio, called Bank. Now, the rodeo was in town the whole week prior, so in honor of the cowpeople I wore my western shirt, cowboy books and fauxhawked my hair. So yeah, I was looking pretty dykey. But in a good way. 

Cheer Boy got us on the list for the club. We got a free drink at this other bar and then free admission to the club. At the first bar, we were enjoying our free drink and I notice this group of 3 women (late 20's?) checking us out. I didn't think much of it so we finished our drinks and went to the club. After being there for about 20 minutes, these chicks show up and stand right next to us. I'm still thinking this is a coincidence until later when we headed out on the dance floor, these broads saddle right up next to us again. I'm not exactly sure what the deal was - but being in a very straight club I didn't exactly feel comfortable chatting them up. They hung out near us the whole time but never came up to us, which I found perplexing. Question: Because I look like a man, does that mean I have to act like a man? Should I have approached them?

So then the night gets even weirder...these other two chicks start dancing near us and one of them is totally grabbing my ass! WTF? Then this other group of chicks were checking us out. It was crazy. I guess the power of the short hair finally came through. But unfortunately, my dear readers I was too chicken to make a move. I just felt really uncomfortable in that particular setting. I also got this odd feeling that these chicks were all straight and just wanted to take a walk on the wild side. Which is fine, I guess...I mean it is Las Vegas...but I just couldn't step up. 

Cheer Boy and I decided we had enough of the straight club so he suggested we go to a bar called Charlie's which was off the strip and closer to our hotel. This sounded like a fantastic idea. So we caught a cab and asked the driver if he knew how to get there. The driver was obviously uncomfortable with our gayness and even more uncomfortable with taking us to a gay bar. He actually said that we could get another cab if we wanted. Well, Cheer Boy and I had no idea that this guy was such a huge douche so we stayed in the cab. This bastard then ran us around the city pretending like he didn't know where he was going. $30 later we decided to give up and head back to the hotel. It was one of the most surreal experiences I have had in a long time. I can't believe this guy would be such a dick! Ay!

The next night I was way too tired (and broke) to go out again. I also had to make it to work the next day, so I stayed in and enjoyed a relaxing night in the hotel. I was the only one of our group not to get lucky - but I am okay with that. It was an awesome time filled with insanity. Just the way Vegas should be! And maybe next time I will grow a pair and talk to some ladies.

In other news...I haven't heard from R. As you may recall, I hollered at her last Sunday after our Friday date to see if she would be available to go out the following Monday. She said she was busy but then texted me on Tuesday to see if we could postpone until this week. I hadn't heard from her since and then I was wasted in Vegas...I am guessing you know where this is leading. Oh yes, drunk texting. But I only said, "Hello, how is it going." So nothing crazy or anything but I still have not heard back. So I think I am over it. Although I ideally would like to date someone who is independent with their own business going on, I also find it important to have a basic level of communication (and I really hate when people ignore texts). I am kind of bummed about the whole thing because I felt like we really hit it off. It makes me wonder about the connections we make in life, which are real and which are only real in our own minds. Well, onward, I suppose - she must not know 'bout me! (Yes, I am listening to Beyonce to get over this one) Haha.


Speaking of dates, I went on another OK Cupid date this past Saturday. Not much to report, no zsa zsa zoo. I know it is important to keep putting myself out there so I am going to keep on keeping on. But good god, is it so much to ask to get to a second or third date? These first dates are wearing me out. I am really sick of talking about the same shit over and over. Maybe it is time to pray...Saint Anne - send me a (wo)man!
 

3 Finally! A good date!

Well folks, it appears that lady luck has finally graced me with her presence. I went on a fantastic date last night with a chick I met on Ok Cupid. We had been emailing for a couple of weeks and really hitting it off. She has a very similar quirky sense of humor and we just clicked so I decided to ask her out. 

We met at a bar downtown and had a drink. I was nervous, but as soon as we started talking I was really comfortable. We talked about all sorts of things and about our lives. Unlike some of the other women I have been out with, she didn't demand to know the details of my sexuality. Our conversation just flowed and I never felt pressured to reveal anything and yet I felt safe enough to discuss many details of my life. As a matter of fact, she is new to the scene as well! It was awesome to have someone who understands what I am going through. We then went to another bar where there was live music and had another drink. I can hardly believe that I was out for almost 4 hours and only had 2 drinks! This is very unlike me. But we were having such a good time that I didn't even think about getting crunk. I was just happy to enjoy the company. Does this mean I am maturing?

So I am sure all of you are wondering how the date ended. Well...as R. pulled up to my apartment I told her I had an awesome time and that I would like to see her again. And then I gave her a hug. And that was it. Yes, my friends. Captain Awkward showed restraint yet again! What's happening to me?! I think that on my previous dates I was trying to create intimacy via smooch because there was no real connection on the date. But on this date, I didn't want to push it. Now don't get me wrong, I would really love to lay one on R. but I am fine with letting it come about organically.

I must say that this was one of the best dates I have been on. I really hope to see R. again. But now I have to ponder when to ask her out again. I'm really not into (or good at) playing games, like waiting X amount of days to call someone. And I feel like R. is a genuine and open person. I wouldn't want to play those types of games in this situation. But I also don't want to come on too strong. It's a delicate balancing act and I am just not sure I am ready to trust my heart to do the right thing here. Because I am off on Monday, I was thinking of calling her tomorrow and seeing if she was free Monday evening. Is this too much too soon? Any suggestions would be appreciated. And thanks to all of you out there who are commenting!! 

2 Thankful

I know a post about being thankful seems a bit late, but I believe you should give thanks daily, not just on a day you are supposed to gorge yourself. 

I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving weekend. Mine was pretty awesome. I had a blast on Wednesday night hanging with one of my oldest friends, Sebs. Sebs and I go way back, 25 years to be exact! She is a great listener and gave me some heartfelt advice. It was wonderful to be able to spend some time with her. We drank, talked and were very merry. Especially when her sister showed up at 2:00 am with $40 worth of Del Taco. A drunkards dream!!

Thursday turned out to be an eventful day in my life. I came out to two important people: My mom and my dad's wife. I just felt like it was the right time. My dad's wife was actually ecstatic for me. She was very encouraging and told me that she thought my dad would be smiling down from heaven because I am happy and finally living fully. Telling my mom was a bit more nerve racking. My mom and I are very close. We speak almost every day and I see her as one of my closest confidants and advisers. After heading to the theater to catch a matinee of "Burlesque" we headed back to her house. I had a hard time deciding how I was going to bring this up. What I decided on was this, 

"So I went to see Harry Potter on Tuesday. It was really good. I went on a date...with a girl named S." 

To which my mom replied, "Are you telling me something right now?"

"Yes, I am dating women"

"I'm not surprised. If this is what makes you happy, then I am happy for you."

There was some more discussion after that but my mom fully supports me and that feels fantastic! It was really hard to keep a piece of who I am from my mother. To tell you the truth, most people I tell have the exact same reaction. Like they all knew I was a lesbian all along. Hmm...were my clothes really that butchy? (Yes, they were.)

In other news, I have a date on Friday with another lady from Ok Cupid. We hit it off via email, so hopefully the connection will translate to meatspace conversation. I'm actually kind of nervous. I keep thinking I am going to get stood up all the time. I'm not sure why. I suppose trust is the root issue (my psychologist would be proud!) - and putting yourself out there can be scary.

I also wanted to mention that I just finished reading Pam Grier's autobiography Foxy: My life in three acts. What an inspiring woman! I will leave you with one passage that meant a lot to me:

"Life had always been relatively good to me, offering me some pretty intense lessons as well as new situations and opportunities that were mine for the taking. I usually took them, anxious for the next experience, since leaving one phase of life with no bitterness usually leads to the wonder of the next one. It just keeps on coming, and we have to stand up and embrace the newness with positive anticipation and a good sense of humor. When the world seems to be getting gray and shutting down, the next day always comes, bringing with it a whole new set of possibilities, which hopefully we can meet with an open heart." 

2 If I keep dating women, I am going to end up naked!

Good god, I must have the worst freaking luck in the world when it comes to clothes! You are never going to believe this but last night I lost my wool pea coat! Yup, and you guessed it, it was my only warm coat. Geez!

At least this time the circumstances weren't so scandalous...I ended up going on a second date with S. from Ok Cupid. We went to the movies and like a complete dolt, I left my jacket in the theater when we left. Someone must have picked it up and taken it home. And dang, it was a good coat too. Funny thing is that when I went on my first date with S. she lost her ring. Hmmm...is this a sign?

The second date with S. was just as so, so as the first. But this time I didn't even try a goodnight kiss. I am confused because S. is pretty hard to read. We have a good time but are we just friends? I'm not quite sure. Another thing that perplexes me about her is that she says she does not smoke pot, but it really seems like she is stoned when we hang out. Very odd. Another thing (and yes, I know this is nit picky) is that when we left the theater she left her trash at her seat. I think that is just plain junky. You should throw away your own trash, if you ask me. I'm not sure if we will go out again. But hey, in the world of dating, you win some and then you lose some (clothes - damn it!).

Now I am going to go on a big ass rant, just for the hell of it. 

What is with lesbians being so damn judgmental? Or as I like to call it, judgy. Every time I talk to another lesbian about my story they are on it like white on rice. And not in the good way. Other lesbians seem to think I am not a "real lesbian." That I am lying about being gay because I am coming out later in life and have been married and in heterosexual relationships up until now. Oh, and I'm not a "real lesbian" because I haven't been out since I was 6 years old. Can't a woman have a different narrative? Isn't that what the gay community is all about? Embracing diversity?!

Every time I have been out with another woman they have been all up in my business (again, not in the way I would like them to be up in my business) about how long I have been out, who I am out to, how many women I have been with and so forth. I find this odd because when a woman dates a man, the question of how many people you have been with comes up months into a relationship, not on the first date. When I attempt to explain my situation and tell them my story I either get rejected or patronized. I guess I was delusional, thinking that my sister women would openly welcome me into vagina town or at least take the time to get to know me before jumping to conclusions about who I am. 

Now I am still sorting all of this out, but I don't believe a person's entire identity is intrinsically linked to their sexual identity. We are all complex people with many different facets. Perhaps I can say this because I have lived my life as a heterosexual up until now and maybe my view will change as I delve deeper into gaydom. But to tell you the truth, I don't want to become a person who is only identified by one aspect of her life. And finally, in closing, if there are any lesbians out there reading this blog, give a bitch a break! Life is difficult and confusing for everyone at different times. Can't we all just get along (and make out)?!

0 First dates

Ay! What is more awkward than a first date? I think it might take a close third to job interviews and pap smears. But at least on a first date you have the the hope that you are going to hit it off and connect with another person (as opposed to a pap smear where your only hope is that the speculum isn't going to be too cold this time). 

So I went on a first date last night with the woman who messaged me on Ok Cupid. I was soooo freaking nervous. My track record hasn't exactly been great and I wasn't trying to lose any more articles of clothing or dignity. And let me remind you that it has been nearly 8 years since I have been out on a date. I think I was more nervous for this date because I had spoken with this lady online and it felt like there was more at stake. It didn't help matters that I had drunk half a pot of coffee that day at work. So I was jittery as hell, sweaty palms and everything. But I was also hopeful. And I have to tell you, it was awesome being asked out.

So S. came out to Claremont and we went to a bar downtown. Things went okay but there was no zsa zsa zoo. As different as our lives and backgrounds were, the role each of us would play in the relationship was too similar. We were both more dominant, and that's like a battery with 2 positives. I did enjoy myself and feel like every experience just teaches me more about the person I am becoming and want to be. And it's always great to have more lesbian friends.

After chatting and enjoying a beer, the date ended uneventfully. And let me just say this, unless you are totally repulsed by another person, I believe you should always kiss at the end of a first date. It's like a reward for listening to the other person blabber on about themselves. Plus, it is a good indicator of chemistry. At the end of the evening, I did score a smootch, but in my opinion, that's like leaving a 15% gratuity. It's expected but you should always leave more ;)

1 Ok I was drunk - so I joined "Ok Cupid"

The other night I was a bit tipsy and talking to my friend Banana. Great life coach as she is, she issued a challenge to me: Be talking to 5 girls by the end of the month. Never one to turn down a challenge, I accepted. But where would I find these ladies? As you might recall, my sister was encouraging me to join up on an online dating site and I was a bit hesitant. I knew Eharmony was not where I wanted to be and was really unsure what other sites would work out. 

But I am getting ahead of myself here...back to getting tipsy. I was out with my friend Sarina having a great time listening to some bad karaoke and drinking some tolerable $2.25 margaritas. We were discussing/lamenting the lesbian dating scene, trying to figure out where to meet some women. When I mentioned internet dating, she recommended Ok Cupid. Although she did not find her type of woman on the site, she saw enough to know that I would find many women of my type there. 

So, 4 cheap margaritas and a challenge later I found myself online and signing up for Ok Cupid. And let me just say, I LOVE the site! It is well designed, very different from any other dating site I have seen and FREE! The site is designed to ask you a bazillion questions (which can take up a lot of my free time at work - bonus!) and then it matches you with people who answer the questions similarly. It's not like Eharmony, the questions are super random and some are really funny. Another cool thing about the site is that it keeps a list of people who look at your profile - so you can peep on the people peeping at you. Your profile is also shown to others who you view. At first I thought this was weird, but now I really like it. Because I know people will know how many times I access their page, it helps me not to stalk people's pages like I do on Facebook. 

Another great aspect of the site is all the beautiful women! And even better, there are many near me! Yee-haw! Now, I am sure you all want to know how it is going...well, I haven't sent any messages yet but I am doing plenty of looking. I'm just not sure of what I should say as my opening line. If you want to suggest an opener, go ahead and comment. But in better news, I got a message from a lovely lady and it is going pretty well. After several messages I have managed to keep my awkwardness at bay. Maybe I will even get up the courage to ask her out. We'll see. But for now I am totally stoked on this site. Thanks to my sister and Banana and Sarina for giving me the kick in the ass, the challenge and the website recommendation.

PS After a week and a half, guess who texted me? Madeline - the one who stole my pants! Of course I don't want to be up in her business but now I think I win. Hmmm...I'm not sure but I somehow feel validated. Holler!

0 Sacramento: The San Francisco for Lesbians?

So I headed up north this weekend for a conference - and of course to party like a mad woman. I met up with my friend who lives in SAC, Dazzle. After picking me up from the airport, she let me in on a little secret...supposedly Sacramento is the San Francisco of lesbians! And to think, I was lucky enough to find myself on a free trip!

First of all, I have to give a major shout out to Dazzle! She picked me up from the airport, took me out for the most amazingly delicious cheeseburger I have ever had in my life at The Squeeze Inn and then took me out for a night on the town. This bitch is awesome! And check out this burger...yes, that is what they call a cheese skirt.

The trip started out fantastically. I got a crazy room upgrade and found myself in a bomb ass suite. Way to get the party started!! After enjoying some Go Girl! and vodka Dazzle, myself and her friend C headed out to what Dazzle called "a lesbian party." I was thinking to myself, "holy shit, can I just move to Sacramento right now?" Anyhoo, the party was pretty cool but unfortunately for Captain Awkward all the ladies were coupled up. But at least we got to catch some of that evening's boxing match.

Next it was time to hit the downtown scene. We went to Faces and then Badlands...or was it the other way around? Hmm...not sure. And yet again I found myself in a sea of gay men. WTF? Why are the gay men having all the fun? It's like I'm a gay man magnet. Ay! To tell you the truth, it was pretty late and I was pretty crunk by the time we were dancing it up at the clubs. I don't remember much, but I do remember having an awesome time dancing with Dazzle and C. I left the club empty handed - there would be no one to share my suite with....sigh. But overall, it was a great trip. 


So what's next? Obviously this bar/club thing is a lot more difficult that I had imagined. To top it off, my game is really rusty seeing that I haven't been in the dating scene for like 8 years. My sister says I need to stop messing around at these clubs and try internet dating. But I am not so sure I am ready to go that route. The thought of creating a profile on a dating site and really putting it out there is a bit scary. I'll definitely have to think about it. But in the meantime...I'm heading to Club Booty Trap on Sunday! Holler!

0 Hair Hypothesis

I was talking to my pal, Smalls the other day about haircuts. She has the cutest pixie cut. On top of being cute it also sends a lot of ladies her way. So this got me thinking...maybe this is a good idea. I would say there is a 75% - 80% chance that if a woman has super short hair she probably likes the ladies. It's kinda like letting your freak flag fly - making it easier for other lesbians to identify you. So I thought, "what the hell?" My hair is already pretty short so it wasn't a big leap and I have wanted to cut my hair shorter for a long time. I'm heading up north for a conference this weekend to test out my hypothesis: Will short(er) hair attract other women? I can't wait to find out! :)

0 And this is how I lost my pants

A couple of weeks ago I was in P-Town with my friend, Banana. We had just seen an awesome show and decided to grab another drink before calling it a night. Banana is the bomb! She is one of the funnest people I have ever met and is also my life coach - helping me to be slightly less awkward. Even better, Banana is straight but is kind enough to humor me and take me out to gay bars.

So anyhoo...on this particular evening we fond ourselves at The Hook-Up. The place was dead, but the drinks were good and cheap so we decided to hang around for a bit. We had been drinking before the concert so it was getting pretty hectic by the time 2 chicks came into the bar. They seemed nice so we struck up a conversation. I recall talking to one of the girls, Madeline and getting her phone number. We played some pool and then, because I was in the middle of a walking blackout I decided Banana and I should hightail it out of there. You know when you are really wasted and all of a sudden you just have to leave? Something sets you off and it's over. I can imagine what kind of hot mess I was by this time. 

The next day, I figure, what the hell? I need to see for myself whether dating women is really something I would like to do. I consulted my life coach, Banana who advised me to send a text. So Madeline and I start exchanging texts and eventually set up a date. Now, I remember talking to her at the bar but I can't really remember what she looks like. But she seems nice enough so I decided to go for it. We agreed to meet up in the afternoon and hang out. 

The big day rolls around. I'm really nervous seeing that this is my first endeavor into the world of lady dates. We were supposed to meet at 4:00. 4:00 comes and goes, then 5:00...so yeah, I was stood up. The thing is that this is not the first time I have been stood up, nor will it be the last time. I didn't have a huge investment in the deal anyhow, so I was ready to just chock this one up to experience. Madeline texts me later saying that she overslept and that being a bartender, she has odd hours, blah, blah, blah. But seriously, that's a lame excuse. She offered to reschedule for the next night and because I was determined to figure this thing out, I accepted.

The (second) big day rolled around. My apartment was sparkling clean, I was finally fitting into my goal jeans and I was feeling good. "This is it," I thought. I am going to answer the nagging question that has been in the back of my mind for years. I heard a knock on the door and my heart jumped. Madeline had finally arrived.

She wasn't exactly what I expected - not someone I would consider my type (or openly date - kind of like the "secret sex" episode on Sex & the City). But here she was and here we were about to go on a date. Madeline was very easy to talk to. She was fun and I had a good time. I found that lady dates are really rad. It's a completely different dynamic when you are out with another woman. There are no specific roles and it's just more comfortable. I enjoyed myself but realized that we really had nothing in common, except for the fact that we both like women. 

After heading to a couple of bars we ended up at my place. I was pretty nervous. This was it....

...Things went well and I realized that I will definitely be going out on more lady dates. Madeline stayed the night and asked to borrow a pair of pants to sleep in. Unfortunately I only have 1 pair of pants which also happen to be my only pair of softball pants. I lent her the threads and she left with them in the morning. Bad idea.

After our evening together, I was sure that I didn't want to date Madeline, but that we could maybe hang out from time to time. She just really is not my type. And that's fine. Except for the fact that I REALLY want my pants back. I'm a cheap bastard and can't afford to buy new ones. So now, despite the fact that I am not interested, I have to be all up in her business to get them back. Needless to say, this situation is awkward as hell because now she thinks I am into her. I have been exchanging texts in an attempt to reclaim my sole pair of pants but it hasn't worked. Now that she thinks I am hollering at her she is trying to play games - not returning texts and flaking on dropping off the pants. I mean c'mon! Just leave them on my front door! How hard is that?! Now I am really pissed because I have no pants and I'm getting played. And I don't even want to be a part of that game! It's one of those instances where you were going to reject someone and then they freaking beat you to the punch. Dang! Now I am dissed AND have no pants!  I'm out of ideas here.

After a week of texting I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to sacrifice my pants in order to keep my dignity. And damn, I really liked those pantalones. I should have just lied and said I didn't have any pants to share. When I dated men, this was never an issue. It's not like some dude wants to borrow your clothes. I guess I have a lot to learn. But I will say that I did score a few tips from this debacle:

1. Don't lend out your clothes to hoes
2. Lady dates are good
3. Some women are dicks

0 Outings

Since my recent revelation it seems as if people are much more interested in my life. More specifically talking about my life to others. This weekend a friend decided to out me on my Facebook wall. Luckily I was quick enough to catch the comment and delete it but unfortunately I can't delete it from the news feed of our mutual friends - some of whom are family members who I haven't told yet. I couldn't believe that someone would do this. This is my life and my business and I will shout it out when I am damn well ready! I felt violated to see something so personal out on display for everyone to see.

Let me be clear, I am not ashamed of testing the waters in vagina town. I know that the people in my life will love me no matter what. The point is that this is my life and I will share this at my own pace. The 300+ family, friends, coworkers, high school classmates and other random people on my FB page don't really need to know every aspect of my life. 

I've noticed that when I am out with friends, the topic of conversation usually comes around to my personal life. Because I'm open, I don't mind being frank about my comings and goings. But I would like to be the person bringing it up, if I choose to at all. When people just bring up my business, especially around others, it puts me on the spot. I'm not always comfortable sharing. And when I choose to do so it will be my choice. I wonder, have I become the token gay friend, charged with regaling the straights with stories of my affairs?

Most people in my life that I have shared with have been supportive and not very surprised. I'm thankful to have support as I explore the wonderful world of women. But some days people can really make you feel like a freak.  

0 Where can a girl find another girl?

The first thing I have realized is that it is really difficult to meet other lesbians in the IE. Yes, there is LA, but one can't be jetting out to the big city each week in search of love. There are a few limited choices in P-Town, The Hook Up and Alibi East. And then there's Oasis in Upland. Now, there is just something really weird about Oasis. The vibe there is just off. It's like every one there knows every one else but you. And they don't like you. I have yet to really have a good time there.

Another thing I have observed is that if you find yourself at a venue with a large percentage of gay men, there will be no lesbians in a 10 mile radius. What's up with that?! Is there an unspoken war of the gays that I am not aware of? Alibi East and Shits & Giggles at Club 740 have been examples of this oil & vinegar phenomenon. Although a good night out with the queens is always a good time, it would be nice to have some lady options as well. I'd like to give Alibi another try because it was a pretty neat venue and not too far from home.

The Hook Up was a pretty cool bar. Dark, stiff drinks but pretty quiet. I did have a bit of luck at this venue (more on that later) but I think I was lucky because I was the only other person in the place. I would like to go back and test my hypothesis.

What's nice about gay establishments is that the odds are that the women there are also looking for ladies. Being out and about in straight bars is a bit tricky. It's hard to tell who is what. You risk not only being rejected but also offending someone or worse. The odds are not likely dykely. I never thought finding others would be so hard.

So what's a girl to do? Any of you out there with advice, shoot me a comment. I'm obviously looking for love in all the wrong places and wold like some direction...

0 Captain Awkward? WTF?

I am going to let you in on a secret. And because I know how private the internet is, I know my secret is safe with you. I have a super power. I can turn any normal situation into an awkward one. It's like I have Tourette Syndrome or something. Call it a nervous tendency or straight idiocy. Embarrassing as it is for me, others seem to find it hilarious. I just can't seem to help myself! You feel weird right now, reading this don't you...See, I told you so!