2 If I keep dating women, I am going to end up naked!

24 November 2010
Good god, I must have the worst freaking luck in the world when it comes to clothes! You are never going to believe this but last night I lost my wool pea coat! Yup, and you guessed it, it was my only warm coat. Geez!

At least this time the circumstances weren't so scandalous...I ended up going on a second date with S. from Ok Cupid. We went to the movies and like a complete dolt, I left my jacket in the theater when we left. Someone must have picked it up and taken it home. And dang, it was a good coat too. Funny thing is that when I went on my first date with S. she lost her ring. Hmmm...is this a sign?

The second date with S. was just as so, so as the first. But this time I didn't even try a goodnight kiss. I am confused because S. is pretty hard to read. We have a good time but are we just friends? I'm not quite sure. Another thing that perplexes me about her is that she says she does not smoke pot, but it really seems like she is stoned when we hang out. Very odd. Another thing (and yes, I know this is nit picky) is that when we left the theater she left her trash at her seat. I think that is just plain junky. You should throw away your own trash, if you ask me. I'm not sure if we will go out again. But hey, in the world of dating, you win some and then you lose some (clothes - damn it!).

Now I am going to go on a big ass rant, just for the hell of it. 

What is with lesbians being so damn judgmental? Or as I like to call it, judgy. Every time I talk to another lesbian about my story they are on it like white on rice. And not in the good way. Other lesbians seem to think I am not a "real lesbian." That I am lying about being gay because I am coming out later in life and have been married and in heterosexual relationships up until now. Oh, and I'm not a "real lesbian" because I haven't been out since I was 6 years old. Can't a woman have a different narrative? Isn't that what the gay community is all about? Embracing diversity?!

Every time I have been out with another woman they have been all up in my business (again, not in the way I would like them to be up in my business) about how long I have been out, who I am out to, how many women I have been with and so forth. I find this odd because when a woman dates a man, the question of how many people you have been with comes up months into a relationship, not on the first date. When I attempt to explain my situation and tell them my story I either get rejected or patronized. I guess I was delusional, thinking that my sister women would openly welcome me into vagina town or at least take the time to get to know me before jumping to conclusions about who I am. 

Now I am still sorting all of this out, but I don't believe a person's entire identity is intrinsically linked to their sexual identity. We are all complex people with many different facets. Perhaps I can say this because I have lived my life as a heterosexual up until now and maybe my view will change as I delve deeper into gaydom. But to tell you the truth, I don't want to become a person who is only identified by one aspect of her life. And finally, in closing, if there are any lesbians out there reading this blog, give a bitch a break! Life is difficult and confusing for everyone at different times. Can't we all just get along (and make out)?!

0 First dates

19 November 2010
Ay! What is more awkward than a first date? I think it might take a close third to job interviews and pap smears. But at least on a first date you have the the hope that you are going to hit it off and connect with another person (as opposed to a pap smear where your only hope is that the speculum isn't going to be too cold this time). 

So I went on a first date last night with the woman who messaged me on Ok Cupid. I was soooo freaking nervous. My track record hasn't exactly been great and I wasn't trying to lose any more articles of clothing or dignity. And let me remind you that it has been nearly 8 years since I have been out on a date. I think I was more nervous for this date because I had spoken with this lady online and it felt like there was more at stake. It didn't help matters that I had drunk half a pot of coffee that day at work. So I was jittery as hell, sweaty palms and everything. But I was also hopeful. And I have to tell you, it was awesome being asked out.

So S. came out to Claremont and we went to a bar downtown. Things went okay but there was no zsa zsa zoo. As different as our lives and backgrounds were, the role each of us would play in the relationship was too similar. We were both more dominant, and that's like a battery with 2 positives. I did enjoy myself and feel like every experience just teaches me more about the person I am becoming and want to be. And it's always great to have more lesbian friends.

After chatting and enjoying a beer, the date ended uneventfully. And let me just say this, unless you are totally repulsed by another person, I believe you should always kiss at the end of a first date. It's like a reward for listening to the other person blabber on about themselves. Plus, it is a good indicator of chemistry. At the end of the evening, I did score a smootch, but in my opinion, that's like leaving a 15% gratuity. It's expected but you should always leave more ;)

1 Ok I was drunk - so I joined "Ok Cupid"

18 November 2010
The other night I was a bit tipsy and talking to my friend Banana. Great life coach as she is, she issued a challenge to me: Be talking to 5 girls by the end of the month. Never one to turn down a challenge, I accepted. But where would I find these ladies? As you might recall, my sister was encouraging me to join up on an online dating site and I was a bit hesitant. I knew Eharmony was not where I wanted to be and was really unsure what other sites would work out. 

But I am getting ahead of myself here...back to getting tipsy. I was out with my friend Sarina having a great time listening to some bad karaoke and drinking some tolerable $2.25 margaritas. We were discussing/lamenting the lesbian dating scene, trying to figure out where to meet some women. When I mentioned internet dating, she recommended Ok Cupid. Although she did not find her type of woman on the site, she saw enough to know that I would find many women of my type there. 

So, 4 cheap margaritas and a challenge later I found myself online and signing up for Ok Cupid. And let me just say, I LOVE the site! It is well designed, very different from any other dating site I have seen and FREE! The site is designed to ask you a bazillion questions (which can take up a lot of my free time at work - bonus!) and then it matches you with people who answer the questions similarly. It's not like Eharmony, the questions are super random and some are really funny. Another cool thing about the site is that it keeps a list of people who look at your profile - so you can peep on the people peeping at you. Your profile is also shown to others who you view. At first I thought this was weird, but now I really like it. Because I know people will know how many times I access their page, it helps me not to stalk people's pages like I do on Facebook. 

Another great aspect of the site is all the beautiful women! And even better, there are many near me! Yee-haw! Now, I am sure you all want to know how it is going...well, I haven't sent any messages yet but I am doing plenty of looking. I'm just not sure of what I should say as my opening line. If you want to suggest an opener, go ahead and comment. But in better news, I got a message from a lovely lady and it is going pretty well. After several messages I have managed to keep my awkwardness at bay. Maybe I will even get up the courage to ask her out. We'll see. But for now I am totally stoked on this site. Thanks to my sister and Banana and Sarina for giving me the kick in the ass, the challenge and the website recommendation.

PS After a week and a half, guess who texted me? Madeline - the one who stole my pants! Of course I don't want to be up in her business but now I think I win. Hmmm...I'm not sure but I somehow feel validated. Holler!

0 Sacramento: The San Francisco for Lesbians?

15 November 2010
So I headed up north this weekend for a conference - and of course to party like a mad woman. I met up with my friend who lives in SAC, Dazzle. After picking me up from the airport, she let me in on a little secret...supposedly Sacramento is the San Francisco of lesbians! And to think, I was lucky enough to find myself on a free trip!

First of all, I have to give a major shout out to Dazzle! She picked me up from the airport, took me out for the most amazingly delicious cheeseburger I have ever had in my life at The Squeeze Inn and then took me out for a night on the town. This bitch is awesome! And check out this burger...yes, that is what they call a cheese skirt.





The trip started out fantastically. I got a crazy room upgrade and found myself in a bomb ass suite. Way to get the party started!! After enjoying some Go Girl! and vodka Dazzle, myself and her friend C headed out to what Dazzle called "a lesbian party." I was thinking to myself, "holy shit, can I just move to Sacramento right now?" Anyhoo, the party was pretty cool but unfortunately for Captain Awkward all the ladies were coupled up. But at least we got to catch some of that evening's boxing match.

Next it was time to hit the downtown scene. We went to Faces and then Badlands...or was it the other way around? Hmm...not sure. And yet again I found myself in a sea of gay men. WTF? Why are the gay men having all the fun? It's like I'm a gay man magnet. Ay! To tell you the truth, it was pretty late and I was pretty crunk by the time we were dancing it up at the clubs. I don't remember much, but I do remember having an awesome time dancing with Dazzle and C. I left the club empty handed - there would be no one to share my suite with....sigh. But overall, it was a great trip. 


So what's next? Obviously this bar/club thing is a lot more difficult that I had imagined. To top it off, my game is really rusty seeing that I haven't been in the dating scene for like 8 years. My sister says I need to stop messing around at these clubs and try internet dating. But I am not so sure I am ready to go that route. The thought of creating a profile on a dating site and really putting it out there is a bit scary. I'll definitely have to think about it. But in the meantime...I'm heading to Club Booty Trap on Sunday! Holler!



0 Hair Hypothesis

11 November 2010
I was talking to my pal, Smalls the other day about haircuts. She has the cutest pixie cut. On top of being cute it also sends a lot of ladies her way. So this got me thinking...maybe this is a good idea. I would say there is a 75% - 80% chance that if a woman has super short hair she probably likes the ladies. It's kinda like letting your freak flag fly - making it easier for other lesbians to identify you. So I thought, "what the hell?" My hair is already pretty short so it wasn't a big leap and I have wanted to cut my hair shorter for a long time. I'm heading up north for a conference this weekend to test out my hypothesis: Will short(er) hair attract other women? I can't wait to find out! :)

0 And this is how I lost my pants

09 November 2010
A couple of weeks ago I was in P-Town with my friend, Banana. We had just seen an awesome show and decided to grab another drink before calling it a night. Banana is the bomb! She is one of the funnest people I have ever met and is also my life coach - helping me to be slightly less awkward. Even better, Banana is straight but is kind enough to humor me and take me out to gay bars.

So anyhoo...on this particular evening we fond ourselves at The Hook-Up. The place was dead, but the drinks were good and cheap so we decided to hang around for a bit. We had been drinking before the concert so it was getting pretty hectic by the time 2 chicks came into the bar. They seemed nice so we struck up a conversation. I recall talking to one of the girls, Madeline and getting her phone number. We played some pool and then, because I was in the middle of a walking blackout I decided Banana and I should hightail it out of there. You know when you are really wasted and all of a sudden you just have to leave? Something sets you off and it's over. I can imagine what kind of hot mess I was by this time. 

The next day, I figure, what the hell? I need to see for myself whether dating women is really something I would like to do. I consulted my life coach, Banana who advised me to send a text. So Madeline and I start exchanging texts and eventually set up a date. Now, I remember talking to her at the bar but I can't really remember what she looks like. But she seems nice enough so I decided to go for it. We agreed to meet up in the afternoon and hang out. 

The big day rolls around. I'm really nervous seeing that this is my first endeavor into the world of lady dates. We were supposed to meet at 4:00. 4:00 comes and goes, then 5:00...so yeah, I was stood up. The thing is that this is not the first time I have been stood up, nor will it be the last time. I didn't have a huge investment in the deal anyhow, so I was ready to just chock this one up to experience. Madeline texts me later saying that she overslept and that being a bartender, she has odd hours, blah, blah, blah. But seriously, that's a lame excuse. She offered to reschedule for the next night and because I was determined to figure this thing out, I accepted.

The (second) big day rolled around. My apartment was sparkling clean, I was finally fitting into my goal jeans and I was feeling good. "This is it," I thought. I am going to answer the nagging question that has been in the back of my mind for years. I heard a knock on the door and my heart jumped. Madeline had finally arrived.

She wasn't exactly what I expected - not someone I would consider my type (or openly date - kind of like the "secret sex" episode on Sex & the City). But here she was and here we were about to go on a date. Madeline was very easy to talk to. She was fun and I had a good time. I found that lady dates are really rad. It's a completely different dynamic when you are out with another woman. There are no specific roles and it's just more comfortable. I enjoyed myself but realized that we really had nothing in common, except for the fact that we both like women. 

After heading to a couple of bars we ended up at my place. I was pretty nervous. This was it....

...Things went well and I realized that I will definitely be going out on more lady dates. Madeline stayed the night and asked to borrow a pair of pants to sleep in. Unfortunately I only have 1 pair of pants which also happen to be my only pair of softball pants. I lent her the threads and she left with them in the morning. Bad idea.

After our evening together, I was sure that I didn't want to date Madeline, but that we could maybe hang out from time to time. She just really is not my type. And that's fine. Except for the fact that I REALLY want my pants back. I'm a cheap bastard and can't afford to buy new ones. So now, despite the fact that I am not interested, I have to be all up in her business to get them back. Needless to say, this situation is awkward as hell because now she thinks I am into her. I have been exchanging texts in an attempt to reclaim my sole pair of pants but it hasn't worked. Now that she thinks I am hollering at her she is trying to play games - not returning texts and flaking on dropping off the pants. I mean c'mon! Just leave them on my front door! How hard is that?! Now I am really pissed because I have no pants and I'm getting played. And I don't even want to be a part of that game! It's one of those instances where you were going to reject someone and then they freaking beat you to the punch. Dang! Now I am dissed AND have no pants!  I'm out of ideas here.

After a week of texting I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to sacrifice my pants in order to keep my dignity. And damn, I really liked those pantalones. I should have just lied and said I didn't have any pants to share. When I dated men, this was never an issue. It's not like some dude wants to borrow your clothes. I guess I have a lot to learn. But I will say that I did score a few tips from this debacle:

1. Don't lend out your clothes to hoes
2. Lady dates are good
3. Some women are dicks

0 Outings

08 November 2010
Since my recent revelation it seems as if people are much more interested in my life. More specifically talking about my life to others. This weekend a friend decided to out me on my Facebook wall. Luckily I was quick enough to catch the comment and delete it but unfortunately I can't delete it from the news feed of our mutual friends - some of whom are family members who I haven't told yet. I couldn't believe that someone would do this. This is my life and my business and I will shout it out when I am damn well ready! I felt violated to see something so personal out on display for everyone to see.

Let me be clear, I am not ashamed of testing the waters in vagina town. I know that the people in my life will love me no matter what. The point is that this is my life and I will share this at my own pace. The 300+ family, friends, coworkers, high school classmates and other random people on my FB page don't really need to know every aspect of my life. 

I've noticed that when I am out with friends, the topic of conversation usually comes around to my personal life. Because I'm open, I don't mind being frank about my comings and goings. But I would like to be the person bringing it up, if I choose to at all. When people just bring up my business, especially around others, it puts me on the spot. I'm not always comfortable sharing. And when I choose to do so it will be my choice. I wonder, have I become the token gay friend, charged with regaling the straights with stories of my affairs?

Most people in my life that I have shared with have been supportive and not very surprised. I'm thankful to have support as I explore the wonderful world of women. But some days people can really make you feel like a freak.  

0 Where can a girl find another girl?

06 November 2010
The first thing I have realized is that it is really difficult to meet other lesbians in the IE. Yes, there is LA, but one can't be jetting out to the big city each week in search of love. There are a few limited choices in P-Town, The Hook Up and Alibi East. And then there's Oasis in Upland. Now, there is just something really weird about Oasis. The vibe there is just off. It's like every one there knows every one else but you. And they don't like you. I have yet to really have a good time there.

Another thing I have observed is that if you find yourself at a venue with a large percentage of gay men, there will be no lesbians in a 10 mile radius. What's up with that?! Is there an unspoken war of the gays that I am not aware of? Alibi East and Shits & Giggles at Club 740 have been examples of this oil & vinegar phenomenon. Although a good night out with the queens is always a good time, it would be nice to have some lady options as well. I'd like to give Alibi another try because it was a pretty neat venue and not too far from home.

The Hook Up was a pretty cool bar. Dark, stiff drinks but pretty quiet. I did have a bit of luck at this venue (more on that later) but I think I was lucky because I was the only other person in the place. I would like to go back and test my hypothesis.

What's nice about gay establishments is that the odds are that the women there are also looking for ladies. Being out and about in straight bars is a bit tricky. It's hard to tell who is what. You risk not only being rejected but also offending someone or worse. The odds are not likely dykely. I never thought finding others would be so hard.

So what's a girl to do? Any of you out there with advice, shoot me a comment. I'm obviously looking for love in all the wrong places and wold like some direction...

0 Captain Awkward? WTF?

05 November 2010
I am going to let you in on a secret. And because I know how private the internet is, I know my secret is safe with you. I have a super power. I can turn any normal situation into an awkward one. It's like I have Tourette Syndrome or something. Call it a nervous tendency or straight idiocy. Embarrassing as it is for me, others seem to find it hilarious. I just can't seem to help myself! You feel weird right now, reading this don't you...See, I told you so!