What's it all worth? And what the fuck?

Howdy, my internet friends. How I have missed you! As you can probably guess, the resurrection of this blog can only mean one thing - that things between JC and I are no bueno. Well, you guessed right. So let me fill you in...

The past month has been very intense. I fell in love with a woman for the first time, learned that I like wine, onions on pizza, downloaded a bunch of Ingrid Michaelson music, turned 29, went to Vegas - all while falling in love with a person who just wasn't right for me. How did I get here? I have been asking myself this question on repeat. The month seems to be the longest and quickest at the same time. Falling in love was a total whirlwind, it blew my mind and then my heart up. I see now that I lost a bit of myself in the mix. You know how you can't really see outside of things when you are wrapped up in them? That's where I have been the past month...

Although it always sucks for things to end I am taking some vital lessons with me from this experience. Firstly, you have to stand up for yourself and what you want early on in a relationship. It is far more important to like yourself than be liked by others. I found myself in situations where I was being treated in a way that was not up to my own standards and yet I put up with it because I wanted JC to like me. Now let me say, she wasn't mean or anything, her actions were just reflecting the way I was acting and the way I allowed her to treat me.

I learned that I have to be very clear about what I want before bending to another person's needs. People will treat you the way that you allow them to. And I am not quite sure why I let JC treat me the way she did. I just wanted to be with her, or with someone so bad that I was willing to give up on myself. Like the way I gave up on this blog. Which, by the way was a terrible idea. I think that if I had been forced to write out the feelings and apprehensions I had about JC and our relationship and then share them on this blog I would have been able to see what I was doing wrong. This is a very powerful medium for self expression and self discovery. I wish I could have seen the connection between this blog and myself a lot sooner, but c'est la vie.

I think what it boils down to is respect. Self respect and personal worth. You have to not only have it, but also communicate it clearly or else you will be treated like crap. I had a moment of clarity last night after 1/2 a bottle of wine and 2 episodes of Sex & the City (who needs therapy when you have wine and SATC?) 

I had a great day. I was accepted into the grad school program I had applied to and also came out to my grandma who was totally cool about it. It was one of the best days I have had in a long time. So obviously, I want to share this with my girlfriend. But JC is all wrapped up in her own drama about her car needing work and having to do her taxes. I texted her about the good news and told her I hoped to speak with her later. With the exception of a congratulatory text she went AWOL for the entire day and night, totally blowing me off. So back to my wine/SATC party...


I'm sitting at home and when I should have been so excited for my life I was feeling sad because I hadn't heard from JC. Seriously, I was totally bummed. And then I had a revelation...I need to stop worrying about what JC is doing and focus on myself. My own happiness and wholeness. In order for me to be a good partner, I need to stop focusing so much on JC and our relationship and cultivate my own sense of self. No matter what happens on SATC, the ladies always keep their core friends, make time for themselves and understand that relationships come and go. It is ourselves that we are truly responsible for. I need to find myself and keep myself happy.

Now this is where it gets awkward. I got out of my JC induced funk, walked into my bathroom, looked myself in the mirror and gave myself a toast. A toast for being accepted to grad school and having the courage to come out to my grandma. A toast for having such awesome friends and family who love and support me. A toast for having a job that allows me to live in a nice apartment which I have pride in and keep clean. A toast for working my ass off in the past 9 months and losing 20 pounds. A toast for having a rad cat. I was literally standing in my bathroom talking to myself in the mirror. As weird as it looked, it felt great. I hadn't given myself props in a while. Yes, my friends I toasted it up and the spell was broken. I finally had my awkward mojo back and it felt great!

To be fair, JC is a good girl. Just not a good girl for me. She has circumstances in her life that make her the way she is, just as I do mine. But I can't be bending my standards of respect in order to accommodate someone else's because I will lose myself in the shuffle. She will always be an important person to me because she was my first girlfriend, the first girl I introduced to my friends and family. She was fun to be with and we had a lot of great times. I will always appreciate the time we had together. It's back to learning about myself and sharing those awkward revelations with you all. Oh, how I truly missed it. It's great to be back!