The Neverending Story

I can barely believe it myself, but things are going great with JC! Saturday we hung around LB and went to go see one of her friends sing in a band. I had a lot of fun and got to meet many of her friends. They were all really nice and we had a blast. I'm really trying not to over think/over analyze things here, but I saw the invitation to meet her friends as a good sign. On Sunday she came home with me to my neck of the woods. We grabbed breakfast and then went and caught one of the NFL Playoff games. It was a beautiful day, warm, sunny and of course made even more beautiful because I had JC by my side.

A funny thing happened while we were at the bar. This man who was sitting behind us struck up a conversation. We were holding hands at the bar and I had my arm around her at times. This man just came out and told us that he was pretty sure his son was gay and asked us if we thought that he should come out and just say something to him. He also commented that it made him feel sad that his son could not be in a bar and be openly affectionate with another man the way two women could be openly affectionate. It was seriously a weird conversation. But in the end he picked up our tab so that was freaking rad. The whole situation got me thinking...I have never openly held hands or been affectionate with another woman in public. But I just didn't think about it on Sunday until this man brought it up. It just felt right and comfortable. I guess that has a lot to do with JC. She just makes me feel happy and proud to be with her.

JC ended up staying the night at my house on Sunday night. My apartment is very organized and I keep things in their place for the most part. I guess because I live alone it is just easy to keep things in order. But I will have to say that I loved seeing JC's stuff all over the place. Shoes in the living room, clothes in the bedroom and hair products in the bathroom. I got a big kick out of it. To have her in my space was absolutely amazing. I can't say how lame it felt to have to get up for work on Monday. After spending the weekend together I hated to see her go home. She has definitely got me lovestoned. 

We have plans to hang out again this weekend. And honestly, I can't wait. We text throughout the day and talk most nights but the be able to see her and be near her is just awesome. I count the hours until the week is over and we are together. I know I should be more cautious and not just throw myself completely into this. A bit of caution would probably do me good. But I really don't know any other way to be. The way JC makes me feel, the fact that she is always on my mind, how utterly amazing I find her to be - it just feels right. My impression is that she is open to moving this forward as well, so why not? I'm not sure if it makes JC apprehensive because I have never been in a relationship with a woman before. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand I will lack certain understandings about the dynamics of women in a relationship. On the other hand I haven't been burned by another woman, so I come without the baggage. I guess it's a toss up. 

I have been thinking a lot about coming out and finally realizing the fact that I am gay. Growing up we never really talked about being gay in my family. I come from a Catholic background but I can never recall ever being told that homosexuality was a sin and wrong. I didn't have any gay family members and the advent of gay people in the media had not yet begun. I feel like we just kind of had a "live and let live" mentality about it. Perhaps this is why it is easier for me to transition into this new chapter of my life. I have no guilt or regret about my decision because it simply is not hard wired into me. I also feel grateful to be experiencing this awakening at this time in my life. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of bumps because I am coming out so late. But I am grateful because at 28 (29 in less than a month! Ahhh!) I have a very solid self image. I am secure in myself, understand the paths that have brought me to this point and have the love and support of genuine people in my life. And now I have the such a wondrous possibility with JC. I can't recall a time when I ever felt more happy, more whole or more myself. It is truly a surreal experience. I never thought I had the capacity to be this happy. Amazing. 

I am not really sure where this project will end up in the future. When I started this I didn't really consider the possibility of finding someone and then having to make a decision about writing this blog. If things go well with JC and I wanted to continue the blog, I feel like I would have an obligation to tell her about it and if she was uncomfortable with it, I would not write about her. Telling her about this blog also means that she would read about my past...ahem...indiscretions. And it's not like I have anything to hide. But telling someone something and having them read about it are two different things completely. The blog has been a place where I have been able to be much more open about the historical record. So for now, until I figure this out, I think I am going to go on blog hiatus.

I want to thank you all for coming along on this journey with me. For listening and lending your advice. This was such an important outlet for me to work through all of the thoughts and feelings racing through me in the past few months. Thanks to Google Analytics, I always knew there were people out there listening. Because you have all been with me throughout this adventure, we are all a part of this together...just like the Neverending Story...

"Never give up and good luck will find you" - Falcor