Happy thoughts! That's what! Holy fuck, I have somehow found myself in a happy place. Holler-lujah! I have so many things going for me and so much more mental space since I ended things with D. I can't believe how much time and energy she expected of me. And how willing I was to shell it out. After a great session with my therapist last night I realize I have really made the right choice. That bitch was crazy and I got out before her craziness rubbed off on me. My shrink actually thinks D might have Borderline Personality Disorder which is pretty freaky shit. And not the freaky shit I like, okaaaaaaaay?!
I finally feel like I am growing and learning to look out for my star player, myself. I spent so much time in the "bad place" - what I call self doubt, anxiety and sadness - when I was with JC. I did not want to go back to that. I could feel my relationship with D pulling me into that dark place and I had to say, "fuck it, this bitch ain't worth it." I am the bitch who is worth it! (Yes, I am in a sassy mood this Friday.) I am so glad I was able to pull out of the funk Saturday and turn my depression into dance. Although I will say my calves were sore until today. But still, I see this as a giant move forward and I am so happy to have made it! I realize that I am in an awesome place and I really don't need anyone else's shit getting in my way. I'm sure that I will come across someone who will rock my world. I'm not sure exactly when that will be, but until then I am just going to kick it with myself, my friends and family and have a good time. I figure the more I can work my own shit out, the better off I will be when that sweet lady comes along.
Plus, I am getting really excited to begin grad school in the fall. I have ordered a bunch of books from the library so I can start reading up. I can barely explain how awesome it feels to be starting on a career path that I find so exciting, inspiring and amazing. I am looking forward to intellectual debate and rigor. Meeting people with similar ideas and visions. I have always enjoyed academia (though not really until college) and am itching to get back into it. Yeah, there are the anxieties that come along with the administrative end of things, but all that shit will work out. When I get to campus I am going to link up with the PRIDE center, because we all know how much I am obsessed with my gayness.
In other news, I have finally decided to get another tattoo! I am super stoked about it. It is something that has been on my mind for a while and I am ready to take the plunge. It's funny, but when you talk to people who do not have tattoos they always say, "I could never decide on something that would be on my body forever." But when you talk to people with tattoos, it's a whole 'nother story. They symbolize a specific time or place in your life. My other tattoo is just that. Silly as it might be, it symbolized the freedom from my marriage and the right to do as I pleased - kind of my first step towards becoming myself. This tattoo is meant to mark another important time in my life - the time in which I finally became who I was inside and the things I have been through this year. It will be a poppy with two leaves. The poppy symbolizes the joy and beauty that my niece has brought to my life - plus, let's face it, she is a wild flower! And the leaves are to honor my dad and my aunt who have passed away. It is important to me that I put this tattoo in a place that I can see, so that I have a daily reminder of the blessings I have in my life. And that no matter what I have the love and support of my family. It will be a variation of this picture:
After much consideration I have decided to end it with D. I realized that the "relationship" was indeed toxic and not conducive to my mental stability. She saw a friendship, I was always looking or something more. Why was I chasing after someone who has clearly stated that they are not in a place to be chased? I feel like crying. But for a completely different reason that you might be thinking. I do not want to cry for the fact that I am losing D in my life. Quite the contrary.
The tears I shed are for myself. Tears of happiness. For the first time in my life I have identified something that is negative and harmful to my mental well being and actively taken steps to move away from it. The emotion I am feeling is happiness for standing up for myself and what I want. I do not want to be in a relationship that is not reciprocated. I do not want to be somebody's "friend" when I feel more. I am actually moving towards being more healthy and happy. And that is an amazing feeling.
I am crying because I have never afforded myself such luxury in life. I have never felt such self worth. Having the conversation with D was hard. Thinking about not having her in my life was scary. But her presence at this point was toxic. Being able to identify and eradicate this negativity is something I have never been able to do before. Perhaps because I never thought I was worth it. But now I know - No one deserves my time and attention unless they are open and willing to reciprocate. I do not need to devote my affection to someone who is not going to give that affection back to me. Holy shit. I think I am finally learning something here.
I cry tears of happiness because I can finally take care of myself. I cry tears of sadness because it has taken this long to do so. I think I am finally on the road to finding what I want in life. And that makes me want to cry as well. But those are good tears. And I look forward to having many more of them.
Yep. Mark this on your calendars, y'all. This is a monumental moment. So earlier this evening I was spiraling into one of my sad-music-cry-fests-of-depression, you know those really pathetic ones I used to have so often. I listened to one or three depressing songs, started to cry and then switched to my girl, Kelis. She pumped me up, then I decided to have a dance party, by myself, in my apartment. I turned my depression into empowerment. Fuck yeah. And I got some great exercise! Making progress...slowly but surely!
I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days about where I am and what I want. After getting the "let's just be friends" talk from D, I was a bit bummed out. I mean I had really been putting a shit ton of effort into it and then it was like over? But then I started to really think about it. Why in the fuck do I want to be in a relationship so badly? Why am I so obsessed with attaining this specific goal? Well, I like to blame it on the heterosexual paradigm, which, by the way is my new favorite thing to blame everything on. I was still operating in the mode that I had become so accustomed to living in. Date, date, date - must find a mate! When in reality, I don't need to be dealing with anyone else's business right now because I have plenty of my own!
In our society there are different levels of privilege. There are privileges tied gender, class, race, socioeconomics and sexuality. I believe that there is also privilege in being in a relationship. It is part of the ideal that our culture propagates. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about being in a relationship and if you are in one, more power to you! I have been in good ones and bad ones and have learned in each scenario. But I find that it is important to question why we operate in the way that we do. Stepping outside of the norm has helped me see things from a different perspective. Think about it, as a single person (queer or straight) if you attend social functions by yourself you are often looked at as odd. It could be a wedding, family holiday, school reunion or even something as simple as going to a movie by yourself. People who are alone are not whole. There must be something wrong with a person who enjoys spending time alone. Why can't they get along with other people? What must be wrong with them that they don't have someone to share their time with?
Well, I have decided that it is about time I become more selfish about my time. I think about what I have sacrificed in my life in order to be in a relationship. Not just recently, but in my whole life. I was in a vicious cycle. I kept finding myself in relationships that were okay, even great at times. But I was never truly there, or truly happy. And I hurt people in the process. I was willing to give anything and take anything from others to obtain the privilege of being in a relationship. Shit, I even got married to win the game! I truly thought that's what I wanted.
Now I see things differently. Yes, eventually I would like to be in a relationship. But for now I need to focus on me. Finding happiness for myself and from myself. In the past months, most of my happy times have been derived from someone else's acceptance of me. When I started dating JC, I thought I would explode from happiness. Talking to D also gave me this rush. But what a crappy way to live. The fact that I relied on others to generate my happiness is just stupid. But something, I believe we are taught to seek and accept. I have decided to roll with it and stay friends with D because she is a really fun person to talk to and I think she is pretty awesome. She would be more awesome if she would make out with me, but that is neither here nor there.
Speaking of making out, is our quest for human connection confused with our need to be in a relationship? What does our society's narrative teach us about the wants of the flesh? I believe we are taught that sexual intimacy should only occur within the constructs of a committed relationship. But the fact is that we all need sex and human connection. I'll be the first to admit it, I am freaking horny over here! I could really use some physical connection about now. But I was trained to think that the only way to get this contact was to begin a relationship. Sure, you should know some basic things about someone before fucking them, like their name and if they are a homicidal maniac (but who knows, homicidal maniacs need love too!) But do we really have to have a "relationship" to have sex? Being someone who has been on both sides of the coin, having had one night stands as well as sex within a relationship I can say that the sex that comes from trust and having feelings for someone is deeper and very fulfilling. But on the other hand, sometimes the best thing is to just get laid and not have to worry about all the rigamarole.
I can't exactly tell you how or why this switch flipped on in my head. All I know is that last week, after going to the Queer Anarchy study group and completing my zine I felt happy for myself for the first time. A giddiness radiated from within me that I produced. And damn, it felt awesome! Learning to be happy for myself and owning it, not feeling guilty about it is something I am finally learning. It really amazes me how much we can all learn if we stop and look at things from a different perspective. I don't think I could have ever seen these things had I not come out. Being queer is at times confusing, scary and difficult. But it is all worth it to be able to realize happiness and have a greater understanding of yourself. I'm not saying everyone out there should gay it up. But I do think that many people could benefit from asking questions about why things are the way they are, why we accept them and why we propagate them, even if we don't believe in these paradigms or they do us harm. So to all my readers out there, try being a little queer. You might just find it suits you!
You know what I love the most about blogging? It's like whenever I go out on a limb and publish how awesome something is, it blows up in my face. Is there some hidden blog juju I am unaware of? Geez. So the chick I was swooning over, D just basically told me...wait...no she just outright told me that (paraphrasing with my favorite therapy speak) she isn't through processing her last relationship and that she is looking for more of a friend. Gah. Well at least I have something solid to discuss in my next therapy sessions. But crap, this one was going really well and I was really hoping it would lead somewhere.
So last month, after my breakup with JC, I read the book He's Just Not That Into You at the urging of my sister. Well, it is an interesting read. Although it is so freaking herterobiased it makes some really good points. Basically you have to believe that you are the bomb and not trip if someone isn't into you because you will find someone who is. And that people's behaviors dictate how they fell about you. Do they follow through and keep promises, or do they flake? I really recommend that everyone check it out at least once, it's a short read and is a challenge to most of the things we are taught about men & relationships as women. I think it is meant to save women a lot of time worrying about if a guy is into them or not.
Because I have come late to the lesbian party, I am not sure how this theory translates. Maybe someone needs to write a She's Just Not That Into You book. My plan is to step waaaaaaay back with D. I obviously can't continue to pump so much of my time and energy into something if there is no future. And I am going to attempt to erase the prospect from my mind. The only problem is that she still wants to be friends. And I know myself. I will probably hold a candle for the girl as long as we are talking. So what to do? I really wish I had more experience with these things so I could figure this out.
On the bright side of things, I went to my first Queer Anarchist study group last night. Holy fuck it was awesome. My pal, Chaos planned it. It was such an amazing and inspiring meeting. It was the first time I had ever discussed what being queer and what being an Anarchist meant to me and in turn I got to listen to other people's experiences. I realized that this community and the Zine community that Chaos has so kindly invited me into are the places where I am going to flourish and grow. These is my people, y'all! I am blessed to find such an inspiring community. Shout out to Chaos! You are the bomb!
In even better news, I booked myself a flight and room to go to the Portland Zine Symposium in August. Chaos, AK and AG, companieras from the Coachella Zine shenanigan are all heading up there for some good times. Can't wait to tear up the city with these ladies. A total bonus to being single, you get to do whatever the fuck you want. Hellz yes! So in the end D might not be that into me. But you know what, I am. And that's all that matters. Hi-yah!
Hello to anyone who is still out there. Sorry I have been away for so long but I have noticed that weekly therapy is helping me process so much that I don't need to whine to you all so frequently about all of my issues. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, you are the judge.
So let me fill ya in on the happenings of your dear Captain. I have successfully stayed away from JC despite the rule of Lesbian dating which states it isn't over for 6 months or 4 break ups. Sorry, but 2 break ups was more than enough for this gal. I did receive an email from her a couple of weeks ago. On the one hand it was nice to hear her admit that I was fucking awesome and that she screwed things up. But I also couldn't help feeling like it was a bit manipulative. But I guess it means I win? Anyway, I took it for what it was and moved on, just like the relationship. I am happy to say that I am done processing that mess. Onward! Yes, I returned to OK Cupid. I have been talking to this really awesome chick, D who is currently rocking my world. We have been emailing for about a month and speaking on the phone for a couple of weeks. I finally met her on Saturday. The date was phenomenal. It was so weird to be out with someone who has their shit together. I almost had a heart attack when she paid for dinner. Seriously, I can't remember the last time someone treated me to dinner. We have so much in common and get along really well. I think she is fucking hilarious, beautiful, smart...yeah there is definitely some swooning going on up in here. I find dating D to be so easy and uncomplicated. I believe she is indicating interest and I indicate interest back so I am not constantly stressed. Now don't get me wrong, I still have the little devil on my shoulder telling me to make big issues out of nothing and that this won't work out, but I have been doing my best to shut him out.
I also stepped out of the norm and went on a date with a butch woman earlier in the month just to try it out. Yeah, butch isn't for me. She was really nice but I just don't find butchy women attractive. It really made me realize how important being a more dominant person in a relationship is to me. Although I see myself as femmy (just go with it) I like to be the one opening doors and bringing the flowers even if I am wearing makeup. I suppose it's tied to my queer identity. I just can't have a butch woman doing these things for me because I feel like it too closely resembles a heterosexual relationship.
I have been doing some really great work in therapy learning about my identity and working through coming out. I have also been doing some reading and trying to understand this new world in which I find myself in. What I find the most awesome is the fact that once you step into queer society, you step into freedom. You can write your own ticket for your lifestyle and relationships. It is a truly awesome awakening. I feel as if I have been floating along for the past several years down the river of life with nothing but an innertube. Now I feel as if I have some oars and a rudder, maybe even a little engine to steer my way into my future. Freedom of choice is definitely a blessing and something I am going to run with.
I remember when I started this blog I was searching to find out if I was indeed gay. I think I knew the answer to that question but needed to work through saying it, writing it and being it. Throughout the past few months I have thought a lot about identity, my identity and how I relate to the world. I remember when I first went to my new psychologist and she asked me point blank how I identified. And I wasn't sure how to answer. Well now I can clearly say that I am gay, a lesbian and also queer. Whoo! It feels good to be sorting these things out.
Not to say things are all fine and dandy. I still find people who either disagree with my definition of myself, are in denial or wish to define me differently. As a heterosexual woman, this was never a problem. What you saw was what you got. Now people like to argue with me that I am not gay. Men seem to think I just haven't met the right bologna pony while women think I am just doing this for attention. I'm not sure why people have such a fascination with my identity. It is something I am still getting used to. Perhaps I need to be more careful who I let into my circle of trust.
Speaking of identity, has anyone noticed the complexity that the mainstream media has been giving to gay characters lately? Did anyone catch "Glee" or "Modern Family" this week? Both shows are addressing homosexuality in surprisingly honest ways. "Glee" has introduced a lesbian plot line. The queen of mean, Santana has realized she has feelings for her friend, Brittney. She struggles with the intense love she has for her friend but is not ready to face the stigma and consequences of coming out in high school. Viewing this episode, I felt glad that I did not come out until later. I can't imagine grappling with this on top of everything else that was going on in high school. When I was in high school I just told myself my intense feelings for some of my friends was perfectly normal - definitely not a crush. Haha. The denial worked for many years, y'all. Anyhoo, on "Modern Family" the gay male couple was working through identity issues from the another point of view. One of the characters, Cam is a stay at home father and is a bit more feminine than his partner. On Mother's Day the issue of what makes a mother a mother was explored. Do you have to be a female to be a mother? Or is a mother a nurturer, and gender neutral? I will have to say that I was really surprised such mainstream shows dealt with these issues deeply and intelligently.
Who knows, had these discussions taken place on TV when I was a kid I might have been more self aware and come out earlier. I realize that my own self awareness came forth in a combination of ways. In addition to my own self discovery I was blessed to have positive lesbian role models who were friends, showing me the possibility of happiness in my own life. In addition to Princess Star, I have 2 beautiful friends who have been such an inspiration. They have been together for about 5 years and their relationship is a true model for any relationship, gay or straight. I have known both of these ladies for a long time. I went to preschool with one of them and high school with the other. I hope one day to be able to find a partner and a relationship that is as beautiful as theirs.
I have been super obsessed with Kelis' new album, "Flesh Tone." This song is really hitting home for me right now.
Scream
By: Kelis
Been running in place for such a long time Stuck in a race in the wrong line When it all came down on me. And I haven't had faith for such a long time Am I outta place or out of my mind Should it all fall down on me Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to sing so just scream You'll never know If you don't let it out You've had enough They'll call your bluff You cant back down lost in a crowd You've won the right to scream and shout They'll talk about you lost your cool There is no point who makes the rules So lets get to it Now you'll prove it Break out Scream and shout Scream and shout Scream and shout Scream and shout Been running in place for such a long time Stuck in a race in the wrong line When it all came down on me. And I haven't had faith for such a long time Am I outta place or out of my mind Should it all fall down on me Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to sing so just scream Sound the alarm Raise your arms Your on your own Your not alone Big city got you on the ground Afraid to fight don't make a sound So lets get to it Now you'll prove it Push back Scream and shout Scream and shout Scream and shout Scream and shout Been running in place for such a long time Stuck in a race in the wrong line When it all came down on me. And I haven't had faith for such a long time Am I outta place or out of my mind Should it all fall down on me Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to live so just dream Its not enough to sing so just scream
29 year old female seeks validation from strangers on the internet.
Likes: Cooking, making zines, Woody Allen films, alcohol.
Dislikes: Dongs, sport utility vehicles, current job, ignored texts.
In the summer of 2010, I set out to find myself and figure out something I had questioned for...well...most of my life. My quest was to find my inner lesbian and tell her to come on out! So here I am, 29 and ready to experience the world in a whole new way. Scary as it is, I find myself having the time of my life! This is my story...
Establish an individual set of values but recognize those of the surrounding community and of the various cultures of the world. 
Explore their own ancestry, culture, and place.
Are comfortable being alone, yet understand dynamics between 
Accept mortality, 
Create new 
Think for themselves; observe, analyze, and discover truth without relying on the opinions of others.
Favor love, curiosity, reverence, and empathy rather than material wealth. 
Choose a vocation that contributes to the common good.
Enjoy a variety of new places and experiences but identify and cherish a place to call home. 
Express their own voice with confidence.
Add value to every encounter and every group of which they are a part. 
Always ask: “Who am I? Where are my limits? What are my possibilities?
