The breakup: It was an excruciating conversation; sad, angry, remorseful. One of the more uncomfortable ones I have ever had. I confronted her about blowing me off and about how she omitted the fact that she was at the strip club when she told me she was out having a few beers. Her side was that it wasn't a big deal. My opinion - if it wasn't a big deal then you should have just been honest. Honesty is the true foundation of any relationship. She admitted to being caught up in her own drama that day and apologized for being inconsiderate. She also sent me flowers, which was a nice touch but I just couldn't make up my mind about being with her because I was really hurt. I also told her that I had been dishonest. I had camouflaged my true feelings because I wanted so bad for her to like me. I put up with things that I shouldn't have. And these small submissions had a big effect on our relationship. I became someone who would put up with things that were unacceptable to me. I should have been myself. I should have stood up and demanded respect. Well, that night I threw down the gauntlet about things in the past month that made me feel disrespected. I should have brought them up when they occurred, not waited for this to get out of hand. Was it all a subconscious game? Was I trying to see how badly JC would treat me if I let her? Like JC, was I somehow trying to sabotage things? I'm not quite sure. I decided to end things and we hung up on a really awkward note.
I was surprised to find out the next day that JC didn't want to give up. My explosion the previous night had made her see me in a new light and she really understood that how she had treated me was no bueno. She apologized and asked if we could talk later. I thought about it the whole day. I had a great conversation with my friend, Dutch who was my BFF Junior and Senior year in High School. Although she moved away to go to college and has never come back to California, we have kept in contact. Time and distance aside, Dutch is one of the people who really gets me and I am glad to have her in my life. She has always had different perspectives on situations and has helped me talk through a lot of my issues in this relationship and many others. She is never judgmental or one to jump to conclusions. Her rational, balanced advice has really been a blessing.
As I talked it over with Dutch I realized how truly conflicted I was about the whole situation. I knew that if I walked away I was assured that I would not be hurt by this anymore. That I would move on and heal. But something inside of me was not ready to let this go. There is something special about JC and I really enjoy being with her. On the other hand, I knew that if I decided to give it another try it would be difficult. Difficult to assert my feelings and standards and there was no guarantee that things would work out. It was a hard call. The easy road vs the hard one. Could I really take this chance?
I realized that I had to be brave. I have walked away from so many friendships and relationships in my past. Now was the time to test myself. To see if I had the courage to admit to my own wrongdoings, listen to another person and accept their apologies and truly move forward. So JC came over and we talked. We both opened up fully for the first time. I let her in on my deepest secret...although I look like I have it together, I am really a mess on the inside. I am still affected by the things that have happened in my past no matter how much I try to deny it. The way I acted in this relationship was because of how I treated others and was treated in my past. Duh, Captain Awkward. But sometimes it is hard to admit these things to ourselves. Weakness is my biggest fear and being able to admit it to JC was very hard to do.
In addition we laid out what we would need in order for this relationship to move forward. For me, my top priority is having the time and mental space to continue working on myself. I realize that our pattern of seeing each other was not best for the both of us. Yes, things are complicated because we live in different cities. But we agreed that we would both work together to find a better rhythm, one that would allow us both time to grow ourselves as well as grow together. When I saw how open, kind and willing JC was about this discussion and the possibility of starting over, I knew I had made the right decision to give it another try.
I have a few goals going into this for the second time. The first is to try and release my impulse to control everything. This control came out in many ways; one of the most devastating was my need to do everything all the time. By doing this I didn't allow JC the chance to spoil me and to reciprocate. I can understand how this would be infuriating. I need to let up and allow her to take some of the control and responsibility of the relationship or it is never going to work. I also need to find a way to work on myself while simultaneously being in a relationship. I have never been able to do this and now is the perfect time to try. I need to find the balance between my life and my relationship. Not to focus on one or the other, but how they can work in harmony with each other. I also need mental space. And this means (as much as I am addicted to it) not texting each other incessantly throughout the day. It distracts me from my life and thoughts and I believe that texting is a faux communication. It is not very valuable. I would rather talk with a person on the phone than text. I think it just makes sense.
Both of us are heading into this knowing that there are obstacles ahead and this might not ultimately work out. But I think we have many things to learn from each other and this experience so I am happy to be able to give it another shot. I have realized that now I am free from the constraints of the heterosexual relationship paradigm which dictated that you must find a mate for life because of the need for children, property ownership and security. If your goal is not home ownership or children, what does it matter if you mate for life? I am starting to think that the most important thing in dating and relationships is to find the people who can support you at different times in your life. This is not likely to be the same person forever. Each person that comes into my life is there for a reason and I can never be sure what this reason is or for how long that person will be there so I have to enjoy it, not over think it and be completely present.
"Sometimes you have to invite the worst case scenario."
Yes, sometimes we have to look our biggest fears in the face and take that jump to overcome them. If we have the courage to invite these demons, we can release our fears and truly live.
"...I didn't understand that playing roles in any relationship is false and will inevitably lead to the relationship's collapse. No one can be one thing all the time."
This is a hard lesson for me to learn. I often find myself constructing rigid roles for myself in a relationship. Although I will say that it is easier to have fluidity in a lesbian relationship than it is to have in a heterosexual relationship, it is important for me to realize that I do this and actively work against this instinct. I can be strong and I can also be weak. I can be together and I can be a mess. We are all multifaceted and made stronger by that.
"True nobility isn't about being better than anyone else; it's about being better than you used to be."
I have to try to let go of the perfectionist in myself. Give myself some slack and also offer that slack to those around me. It's okay to make mistakes along the way and to simply be happy.
"I am better than I used to be."
'Nuff said.
1 comments:
March 8, 2011 at 9:40 AM
Very Great.
Post a Comment