2 The Neverending Story

I can barely believe it myself, but things are going great with JC! Saturday we hung around LB and went to go see one of her friends sing in a band. I had a lot of fun and got to meet many of her friends. They were all really nice and we had a blast. I'm really trying not to over think/over analyze things here, but I saw the invitation to meet her friends as a good sign. On Sunday she came home with me to my neck of the woods. We grabbed breakfast and then went and caught one of the NFL Playoff games. It was a beautiful day, warm, sunny and of course made even more beautiful because I had JC by my side.

A funny thing happened while we were at the bar. This man who was sitting behind us struck up a conversation. We were holding hands at the bar and I had my arm around her at times. This man just came out and told us that he was pretty sure his son was gay and asked us if we thought that he should come out and just say something to him. He also commented that it made him feel sad that his son could not be in a bar and be openly affectionate with another man the way two women could be openly affectionate. It was seriously a weird conversation. But in the end he picked up our tab so that was freaking rad. The whole situation got me thinking...I have never openly held hands or been affectionate with another woman in public. But I just didn't think about it on Sunday until this man brought it up. It just felt right and comfortable. I guess that has a lot to do with JC. She just makes me feel happy and proud to be with her.

JC ended up staying the night at my house on Sunday night. My apartment is very organized and I keep things in their place for the most part. I guess because I live alone it is just easy to keep things in order. But I will have to say that I loved seeing JC's stuff all over the place. Shoes in the living room, clothes in the bedroom and hair products in the bathroom. I got a big kick out of it. To have her in my space was absolutely amazing. I can't say how lame it felt to have to get up for work on Monday. After spending the weekend together I hated to see her go home. She has definitely got me lovestoned. 

We have plans to hang out again this weekend. And honestly, I can't wait. We text throughout the day and talk most nights but the be able to see her and be near her is just awesome. I count the hours until the week is over and we are together. I know I should be more cautious and not just throw myself completely into this. A bit of caution would probably do me good. But I really don't know any other way to be. The way JC makes me feel, the fact that she is always on my mind, how utterly amazing I find her to be - it just feels right. My impression is that she is open to moving this forward as well, so why not? I'm not sure if it makes JC apprehensive because I have never been in a relationship with a woman before. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand I will lack certain understandings about the dynamics of women in a relationship. On the other hand I haven't been burned by another woman, so I come without the baggage. I guess it's a toss up. 

I have been thinking a lot about coming out and finally realizing the fact that I am gay. Growing up we never really talked about being gay in my family. I come from a Catholic background but I can never recall ever being told that homosexuality was a sin and wrong. I didn't have any gay family members and the advent of gay people in the media had not yet begun. I feel like we just kind of had a "live and let live" mentality about it. Perhaps this is why it is easier for me to transition into this new chapter of my life. I have no guilt or regret about my decision because it simply is not hard wired into me. I also feel grateful to be experiencing this awakening at this time in my life. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of bumps because I am coming out so late. But I am grateful because at 28 (29 in less than a month! Ahhh!) I have a very solid self image. I am secure in myself, understand the paths that have brought me to this point and have the love and support of genuine people in my life. And now I have the such a wondrous possibility with JC. I can't recall a time when I ever felt more happy, more whole or more myself. It is truly a surreal experience. I never thought I had the capacity to be this happy. Amazing. 

I am not really sure where this project will end up in the future. When I started this I didn't really consider the possibility of finding someone and then having to make a decision about writing this blog. If things go well with JC and I wanted to continue the blog, I feel like I would have an obligation to tell her about it and if she was uncomfortable with it, I would not write about her. Telling her about this blog also means that she would read about my past...ahem...indiscretions. And it's not like I have anything to hide. But telling someone something and having them read about it are two different things completely. The blog has been a place where I have been able to be much more open about the historical record. So for now, until I figure this out, I think I am going to go on blog hiatus.

I want to thank you all for coming along on this journey with me. For listening and lending your advice. This was such an important outlet for me to work through all of the thoughts and feelings racing through me in the past few months. Thanks to Google Analytics, I always knew there were people out there listening. Because you have all been with me throughout this adventure, we are all a part of this together...just like the Neverending Story...

"Never give up and good luck will find you" - Falcor

1 Over it & All about it

Last night I went out with LOL. We went to the batting cages and then grabbed a bite. I can 100% say that I am totally over LOL. I feel like I am a really easy person to talk to and that I can hold a conversation with pretty much anyone. But dang, while we were eating dinner the conversation just fell flat...several times. I realize she is a pretty boring person. What the hell was I thinking?! I feel like I was in a very vulnerable place when I met her and just needed something external to focus on. Or maybe the fact that she was kind of unattainable made me want it more. Who knows? 

But on the bright side I spoke with JC last night. Now, there is a good conversation! That lady cracks me up! We spoke for about an hour. I feel like I could talk to her forever. She is so awesome. Ahhhhh...just thought I would gloat for a minute. It's such an amazing and different experience for me. To be falling for someone who I find smart, interesting and beautiful. This is something completely new to me. It's not settling, like I have done so many times in the past - or just going for someone because they were easily attainable. I think I might actually be on track to fall in love here...for the first time ever! In my past relationships I always knew that I was never loving that person at full capacity. The "love" I had for them was more a love of taking care of someone and being in a secure situation. This type of love is completely foreign, but feels amazing! Wow. I can't wait until Saturday when I get to see her again. Seriously, my face hurts from smiling so much because she just makes me feel happy and gives me butterflies. Definitely found the zsa zsa zoo with this one!!

1 My 24 hour date

Although I had a really fun and exciting weekend, the best part, by far was my date with JC (not Jesus Christ) on Monday. I had been chatting with JC on OK Cupid and then we exchanged phone numbers. All last week we were texting back and forth. I thought she was really witty and fun and was really looking forward to meeting up with her (plus, she is a total fox!) Finally we decided to meet on Monday in Long Beach. And so began the most epic date of my life...

We met at 11:00 at the Aquarium. She suggested we meet there, which I thought was pretty awesome. It is really nice when someone else plans the date. We walked around for a while and talked and really hit it off. Next we went to lunch and then bowling and then just walked around by the water. We never ran out of things to talk about and I found her to be, well, awesome!! It was funny because neither of us wanted the date to end so we just kept coming up with things to do. Oh, and I should mention she also can't drink & drive so this marathon was completed SOBER. I mean, wow, this is a pretty big deal for me. I am not sure if I have ever been on a sober date. 

It was getting late so she offered that we could go hang out at her house. We headed over and then went to dinner. She then offered to let me stay the night so that we could have a couple of beers with dinner. I was more than happy to agree ;) After dinner we sat outside and talked around her fire pit. And you will never guess what, she ICED me! Haha. We had been talking about ICING (a game where you surprise someone with a Smirnoff Ice and they have to take a knee and chug it) earlier in the week. I thought this was hilarious. Then we ICED her cousin and then I ICED her back. It was awesome. 

Later we watched a movie and then hit the sack. And I just want all of you out there to know that I behaved myself. As we were settling in we agreed that we didn't want to mess anything up by going too fast. It was great to finally be on the same page with another person. But I will say, that there was plenty of cuddling. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to be close to another person like that. And especially after the phenomenal day we had shared together. I couldn't have asked for anything more fantastic.

So as you can probably tell, I am smitten with this girl. She is just so rad! She has a great perspective on life, is smart, wickedly funny, open, honest, artistic and totally hot. Annnnnnnd we have a second date planned. Behold! I have finally obtained a second date. I just can't get this girl off of my mind. She rocks!

Throughout the past few months I was really trying to get out there and meet as many new people as possible. I knew I had to talk to several people at the same time because I never knew which would pan out. But honestly, I am really not a person who can focus on more than one person at one time. It's just not in me. Once I start to like someone (and of course they reciprocate) my focus is on cultivating that relationship. If things continue to go well with JC I will more than happy to stop talking to other girls.

Speaking of other girls, I have that date with LOL tonight. I'm not really that jazzed about it. After going out with JC, I realized that the date I went on with LOL wasn't really that spectacular. She hasn't given me any indication that she is interested so it's not like I have to let her know that my focus is shifting. I am sure if I do not call her again, she won't be calling me. I also did not want to be a dong and cancel, because that is just rude. But I know the whole time I will have JC on the brain (I have had that girl on the brain non stop since yesterday!). And now I know some people will think that I shouldn't rush into anything and that I should continue to date multiple people. Well, I think those people should suck it. Haha. As crazy as it is, I think you have to go balls to the wall when it comes to love. You may get hurt, but you may also get an awesome payoff.

Yes, dear readers - Captain Awkward is falling in love. And it feels fucking amazing. :)

1 Lezzies & Leather Daddies: My weekend in review

Well, it has been one hell of a weekend! It all began with an unexpected trip to Truck Stop on Friday night. Cubano surprised me with the trip. Best gay boyfriend ever. What can I say about Truck Stop...hmmm...I would say that it was a bit overwhelming. I had never seen so many women in one place at one time. I had a good time checking it out and what was even more lucky was the fact that one of the Truck Stop girls is the girlfriend of one of Cubano's friends and she hooked us up with free booze the whole night. Awesome! Another twist to the evening was that LOL was there. It was her birthday so I bought her a drink and talked with her for a bit. It wasn't anything amazing. But the club was definitely a blast.

On Saturday, Iggy and I went to the premier of Zeitgeist: Moving Forward. It was pretty mind blowing. We were supposed to check out the party at El Cid, A Club Called Rhonda, but the line was soooo long and the place was packed. Cheer Boy was with his boyfriend and another friend and found us in the line. He reported that the MEN'S bathroom line was like 20 minutes. We decided then and there that we were going to abandon Rhonda. He invited us to The Eagle, a leather bar. Now Iggy and I had never been to a leather bar, so we thought, "What the hell?! Let's check it out!" So we arrive and are one of a very small group of other women, but the place is full of leather daddies of every shape and size. It was definitely a new experience. We stayed for a drink, chatted while gay porn played on the large screen TVs and then headed back to Iggy & Mo's place. I had a blast with Iggy & Mo. They are truly awesome people. I am so proud to call them my friends. 


Sometimes I find it difficult to talk to some of my friends about my life now. I think it must be challenging for some of them to conceptualize me in a new way and if they have limited experiences with the gays, I can see how it might make them uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, everyone has been supportive, but sometimes it is just different. I really like connecting with Iggy because she understands what it is like to be in a relationship that is outside of the social norm. Although we are in 2011 it is still hard for people in an interracial relationship. Which boggles my fucking mind. Having known Iggy and Mo for the length of their decade long relationship, I have witnessed some truly wonderful as well as some truly horrible things happen to them as a result of their relationship. But throughout it all, the loved and supported each other. And that is a beautiful thing. Their love is an inspiration to me and their friendship a treasure.

Sunday was another fun day as I headed to my sister's house to hang with the fam. We went to the beach, had some delicious meals prepared by my bro-in-law and just had a great time together. I am truly amazed at how much my niece changes and grows each time I see her. My sister and I then went out with Princess Star to a couple of bars. An odd thing happened at the first bar. There was a couple there who were dancing near us. They bumped into us a couple of times and Princess Star said something to the man about watching where he was going. The woman he was with was a super bitch and as she walked away, she said something along the lines of that we hadn't had cock in a while. Although I was incensed that someone would make such a remark, I also thought to myself, "honey, if you only knew." Haha. What is wrong with people?!

0 What's up with the bis? And also, my weekend plans

I have been thinking a lot about sexual orientation and how it is defined. In the strict sense of the word, bisexuality is a physical/romantic attraction to both males and females. But it seems more complicated than that. For example, I have been in physical/romantic relationships with both men and women. Does that make me bisexual? My inclination is to disagree because once I gave up the penis, I really gave up the penis. I mean, I really do not have any physical attraction to men. It's just not what I see as desirable. And I never actively pursued women when I was in heterosexual relationships. 

For me I think it comes down to the fact that dating within one gender is hard enough. I can't even imagine trying to throw dating men up in the mix right now. I'm not sure I understand how people do this. How can you be looking for two totally opposite things at the same time? Are these people just greedy? 

Is it a good idea to date a person who is openly bisexual? Well, I kind of have a no judgment policy when it comes to someone's sexuality. It's not really my place to judge what floats someone else's boat. Because, honestly, people could get real judgy (and they have) about my situation. But what about the competition aspect of it? Can I compete with a man? Better yet, can a man compete with me?! Haha. I have been exchanging emails with a girl from OK Cupid who is bi. We have a good connection via email. She is open about the fact that she is going out on dates with men, which is totally cool. There is just a friend vibe going on between us, so I am not jealous or anything. I am more perplexed. For me it is very black and white. Women = holler, men = no holler. I just can't wrap my mind around being in both realms. The experiences are so completely different. If there are any bi people out there who want to chime in, be my guest! I would love to learn more!


On a side note...I mentioned before how I was getting along well with this girl over email. You know what is funny? I get along with all the girls I talk to on email. It's really funny how women have such an easy time connecting. Gosh, how I have wasted my time for so many years on men! Gah!

I am really looking forward to this weekend! I am going out with my awesome friend Iggy and her husband, Mo on Saturday (check out her awesome blog, "The Truth About Mo"). We are going to a documentary premier and then out to this really cool party, A Club Called Rhonda which looks like it will be a total blast and a real eclectic mix of people. Seriously, check out how funky the fliers are! Sunday I am heading to spend some quality time with my sister and my niece. But Monday I have a definite date with this really cool girl I met from OK Cupid. We have been texting this week and she is freaking hilarious! I am really looking forward to meeting her in person. She is different from the girls I have gone out with so far. Her look is more edgy, she has a sleeve (hot!) but we have a definite connection so I am stoked. 

Good god, what will happen if I ever get into a relationship? I'll have to give some serious thought about what to do with this blog. Haha. For now, it'll be our little secret, my 5 readers out there. I love ya! Thanks for tuning in!!!

0 It's called a dating website - not a friend website!

My newest pet peeve: People on dating websites who are just looking for "friends." Seriously, who does this?! If you are on a dating website, shouldn't you be looking to date people? I have come across a couple of people on OK Cupid lately who make statements about looking for friends because strong friendships make the best relationships, blah, blah, blah or that they are strictly looking for friends. Really? If you want friends, try meetup.com or something - but don't clutter the dating website world with your bullshit. I already have friends, ladies and am looking for someone to DATE. Yeesh!

I am actually getting kind of sick of OK Cupid. It really takes a lot of time and energy. I've been at it for about 3 months and haven't really hit pay dirt yet. I am thinking of taking a break from it for a while. But then again it is not like I am meeting people out and about. I went to The Hook-Up again last week with Cubano. It was pretty dead. There was not even one woman in the place! Later one did show up but she was pretty bitchy. I ended up with her number and tried to text her the next day. She continued to be a beeatch, so I just deleted the number. Oh well. Seems as if I am damned if I do and damned if I don't!

The weekend was pretty slow. I am anticipating next weekend because (*fingers crossed*) I think I might be going to Truck Stop on Friday night. Whee! The mecca of all that is beautiful and lesbian. I just hope the plans end up going through. I have heard so much about this place and can't wait to check it out. I am looking forward to the holiday weekend and the extra time off as well as the sea of beautiful ladies that are bound to be at Truck Stop. 


Annnnnd I have an LOL update for you. So I was on OK Cupid the other day (surprise, surprise) and was looking through matches. LOL comes up because she is a match and close geographically. When you are doing a match search they show you a picture and a blurb from the person's profile. LOL's blurb was from the "You should contact me if" section. Now keep in mind that I have not looked at her profile since our first date around Xmas because I don't want to look like a total stalker. Anyhoo, the blurb basically says that she is looking for people to hang out with but not for a casual hook up or a serious relationship and that she is a very friendly person and people often take that the wrong way. I had an, "Ah-ha!" moment after I read that. Obviously I was coming on way too strong. So I relinquished my obsession. I can truly say I do not feel as hung up on her as I did before. 

I was kinda buzzed on Sunday and so I figured I would give it one more shot. I texted her yesterday evening with a general, "how's your weekend" kind of a message. And she texted right back. We got into a conversation about softball and such so I invited her to the batting cages. She accepted. So now I have a 2nd date with her next week. Yes, a second date, people. Hopefully it goes well. 

1 "You know when you are being a creeper"

This was probably the best advice I have received in a long time, courtesy of Princess Star (my friend Sarina has requested that I call her Princess Star). We were discussing how sometimes you tend to reach out too much and maybe you are telling yourself it is normal or okay, but deep down you know you are being a creeper. A creeper is someone who is just plain creepy, a kin to a stalker I guess. Creepers can be found calling, texting or emailing too much or just generally being off putting to love interests by being too involved. When I think back on some of my actions in the past few months I have come to the conclusion that I have indeed been a creeper and had I just thought about it for a second I could have restrained myself with this little phrase. Basically this is comparable to the "he/she's just not that into you" revelation. Amazing. So I thought I would pass it on. Enjoy!

2 Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink

Happy New Year to all of you out there who believe in that bullshit. Hope you all had a good and safe time and stayed out of jail. I am personally thankful that the holidays are over and I made it out in one piece. 

My NYE was pretty crazy and awesome. I went to Cubano's house and partied the night away in a grand fashion. I learned that when a Cuban person tells you they are having a "family party," this means 100+ people, a DJ and a full bar. Awesome! With the exception of all the vomiting (not me!) and having to sleep on the floor in a room with 8 other people the night was really fun...

...except for the fact that I was all dolled up and had no one to make out with. Seriously people, there were so many beautiful women there, but no lesbians. I couldn't even find any bi-curious drunk girls! Dang! WTF?! There was a menagerie of gay men there though, those lucky bastards.

As I navigate my way through this new life, I am having to pick up on some new skills. One of those being, honing my Gaydar. This has not exactly been easy. Example: The party was a real classy shindig so everyone was dressed up. I even wore a dress! So my dress had this really cool flower clip on thing that fell off at some point during the night. This really bummed me out because the dress just didn't have the same umph without the flower. So I noticed my flower was missing and mentioned it to the group of people I was with. This girl who is a mutual friend of many of my friends, but who I had not met before, empathized and said she would help me out. She grabs my hand and we start trolling around the party looking for my flower (this sounds like an intense innuendo - but seriously, I am talking about a real flower accessory here). I repeat, she grabbed my hand and I thought she was giving off some lesbiana vibes. She ended up finding my flower on a chair. I was so overjoyed/drunk that I laid one on her. 

AWKWARD!!!

She was really nice about it and basically said that she wasn't into chicks but not to worry about it. This was quite embarrassing (for both of us, I am sure). But here is my question - it was clear which team I was batting for, yet this girl went ahead and made an advance on me by grabbing my hand. I don't think I have ever grabbed another girl's hand unless it was a good friend or a love interest. So to me, the grabbing of hand is an advance. But I guess to others this is perfectly normal? To my straight ladies out there - what's up with this? Is it a game some women play with other women? If so, that is totally dongy. And it should stop unless you want me to kiss you. And I will. I'm just putting it out there. But on the bright side, I feel like I have passed another milestone on my adventure, creeping on a straight woman who turned me down. Haha. Glad to have that one behind me!

In other news, I deleted Xena's number from my phone. The booty is not worth the drama, y'all! And I am still over analyzing my situation (or lack of situation) with LOL. She sent me a Happy New Year text on Saturday. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to hear from her so I was taken by surprise. I replied on Saturday but then didn't hear anything back. And then against the recommendations of nearly all of my friends (sorry guys) I texted her earlier today to ask how her trip was. And she responded. I think is important for me to learn how to go with the flow in these situations and realize that not everyone is on my same schedule or time frame. But damn, it is hard!!


 



Here's to 2011, hopefully there will be love, luck, laughter and lesbians for all!