Well, that really sucked

I suppose I am not really surprised that things between JC and I didn't work out. We were pretty much doomed from the start. So much drama, inconsistency and inconsideracy (not a work, but I am going with it) from the very beginning can't work out for a positive relationship. 

Two Sundays ago I was at JC's house for her cousin's birthday party. I had helped her clean and get ready for the party. Now let me just tell you, as a compulsive person it is really hard for me to deal with a dirty home. This was always hard for me when I went to JC's. I would specifically bring flip flops as I couldn't stand walking on the floors because it freaked me out so bad. I was pretty jazzed that there was an excuse for her to clean the place up so that it wouldn't be so gross. Now I had anticipated that she would be working on the house throughout the week, seeing that she only works part time and has time to do these types of things. I assumed I was only going to be helping with last minute pick up. Umm...no. She had done nothing the whole week and the whole house needed a serious cleaning. I estimate that the place had not had a decent cleaning in about a year. So what else could I do? I rolled up my sleeves and helped clean the place up. For hours. But at least it was clean so I could feel more comfortable there.

The party went well. JC's cousin's girlfriend threw him a surprise party and there was much drinking and merriment. Perhaps too much drinking...I have a bit of a tendency to bottle up feelings and then let them loose when I have been drinking. It's an ugly and destructive behavior pattern, I know - but sometimes it just explodes out of me. This was one of those times. When we were going to bed, something that JC said just set me off. I went ahead and told her that I was putting in 99% of the work in the relationship and she was only putting in 1%. I asked her how many of her other girlfriends would clean her bathroom? I asked her why she could be so kind to other people in her life, but treat me like garbage. And a whole mess of other shit. As I recall we yelled and cried and then worked it out before going to bed. I got up early because I wanted to go home before I went to work. 

I knew the fight was pretty epic, even for me, but I thought we had resolution. You know, like the other time I thought we had resolution when she said she would treat me better, but then didn't. Things seemed normal until last Thursday. I was having an epically bad day at work. Had been yelled at by a customer, got in trouble by a supervisor and then my building's alarm went off. Seriously, I haven't had a day this bad in a long freaking time. I texted JC about it and she pretty much blew me off. So later she said that she really wanted to talk about the fight on Sunday. I was totally wiped out from my day, plus I was planning on going to see her the next day. I told her I had such a bad day that I couldn't really handle talking about it that night and if possible, could we discuss it tomorrow in person. She seemed to agree and called me later for what I assumed was just a check-in chat. After about an hour, when I was feeling better, looking forward to seeing her the next day, she launched into "the talk." Thanks for the blindside!

Basically she said she is in a bad place right now and can't give me anything. She said I deserved better. Well, I couldn't have put it better myself. But fuck, it still hurt to hear someone who you are in love with tell you they have nothing to give you. Who knows if she would have pulled the plug had I not went off Sunday. But I am glad I told her the things I did because obviously they were really bothering me.

I am actually glad she dumped me. Because for some reason I did not have the strength to do so myself. I don't think I could have left. It seemed the more toxic the relationship got, the more I wanted it. This is a scary thing to come to terms with. I knew she was bad news, everyone around me agreed. But I just couldn't help myself. My friend Dutch was talking to me about it and told me that it seemed like I was in an abusive relationship. Now that I think back on it, she is right. The cycle of JC being mean to me and disrespecting me and then being very needy was indeed the toxic potion that I came to crave. I have seriously never been in a relationship where someone fucked with my emotions in that way. So I did what I thought was the solution...love her more, try harder. Well this is definitely not the solution. I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I let someone treat me this way. I have never been hurt by anyone in a relationship the way JC hurt me. And I couldn't leave! I need to really focus on why I let someone treat me disrespectfully and why I stayed. I think I am actually more mad at myself than I am at JC because I should have known better. What the fuck was I thinking?!

On top of coping with the fact that I was a total sucker, I am having to deal with the void not having JC in my life has left. So much of my time, mental & emotional energy was focused on her and our relationship. I'm having to relearn to focus on myself and take care of myself. I would like to say that I have learned and that I will never do this again. But the truth is, I keep living the same relationships. I have a defined pattern and unless I really take the time now to understand why I seek this un-fulfilling pattern I am doomed to rinse & repeat. So it is back to therapy I go. I am going to see a new shrink and start fresh. In addition to focusing on why I repeat the same mistakes I want to also learn how to identify what I want in a relationship and how to find that in a partner. And also how to walk away if that partner does not fulfill my needs. Another insightful point that Dutch brought up was that for the first time I am looking for a real partner. Not just someone who I can tolerate being with. 

I had a bit of an epiphany the other night when I was hanging with my good friend Betty. We have been friends since high school and are both working on moving on from negative people in our lives. I made some soup (one of my favorite Sunday activities) and called to see if she wanted to come over. Not only did she come over but she also stopped and got salad for us to share. We enjoyed the meal, watched some TV and enjoyed each other's company. About halfway through the night I turned to Betty and said, "See! Look how easy this is! This is how a relationship should be!" Not that I want to be with Betty in any way other than a friend, but it really made me see how simple, fun and uncomplicated a night can be. Somehow I had forgotten this. 

I have some awesome things to look forward to in the future. Most notably COACHELLA! I can't wait to head out to the desert and see some awesome bands. I am actually viewing this trip as my own personal spirit quest. I'll be camping for 5 days, which I have never done before. I am heading out with some people that are super awesome and I can't wait to get to know all of them better and live this experience with them. I couldn't think of a better group to be with. And mostly I will be experiencing something so epic as a single person, with myself to rely on.

Added bonus to my readers: You can all look forward to my blog content improving. With JC out of my life I will be a lot less winy and a lot more interesting. Haha. Thanks for continuing to check in. And an extra thanks to all of you who put up with my bullshit the past few months!