It's been one hell of a year, friends. Sorry for my lack of posts. If there are any of you out there still following your dear Captain (who is now Dr. Awkward...yes, I earned my doctorate in gayness this past year) check out my new blog:
Queering Reality
http://queeringreality.blogspot.com/
This new project will be Queer commentary on a variety of issues. My aim is to share articles and my own evolving insights with you all (as opposed to my incessant whining about my personal life). I hope you will enjoy my new project and share your ideas and views with me.
1 You say "dyke" like it's a bad thing
20 June 2011
This weekend, Banana and I headed to Pasadena for a huge free music festival. It was pretty awesome, most of the city was shut down and there were over 10 venues throughout the downtown with free music for all tastes. We went to catch one of our favorite bands, Ra Ra Riot. Another band we had hoped to catch was the Tijuana Panthers.
The day started out excellently. We walked down to the train station, enjoying a finely crafted bloody mary. After a train and a light rail trip we ended up in Pasadena. Our first stop was Lucky Baldwins for the IPA Fest. Nothing too festive there. Next we hit up Redwhite+bleuzz and had a great cheese & charcuterie platter.
After that delicious nourishment, we headed over to the stage that the Tijuana Panthers were performing on. Now I knew that the members of the band were young, but I was not really prepared to be one of the oldest people there. Upon arrival I look around and notice we are in a sea of young hipsters...translation...DONGS! The show started out well. The band was actually pretty good live. But then things took a turn for the worse...
You see, the TJ Panthers are a beach music band. Their music in no way warrants moshing. Period. So Banana and I are listening to the band, having a jolly time when these dumb ass kids decide to start "moshing." I put the term "moshing" in quotes because this was the pussiest mosh pit I have ever seen in my life. They might as well have been jumping around giving each other pats on the back. But as lame as it was, it still sucked because they were bumping into people who were just trying to watch the show in peace. Now I will say that I have been to shows with real mosh pits. And I have always been afraid to step in because shit gets crazy. And I like having all of my teeth, thank you very much. Looking at this sorry excuse for a mosh pit, I knew I could easily handle it, if not dominate it. So I went for it. I jumped in and started pushing these little pansies around. And every time I got in I broke up the pit. How in the fuck was I the toughest bro out there?
A bit later, I looked down and saw a pin on the ground. It had fallen off of someone and the pin on the back was broken. I turned to show it to Banana and this kid, probably about 16 or 17 comes up to me and tries to rip the pin out of my hand. I was like, "oh hell no!" He started whining that it was his pin and that it fell off when he was in the faux mosh pit. I was pretty taken aback that someone would try and physically come at me in a violent and forceful way. I was shocked. And then I was ANGRY!
In my opinion, There are two ways to go about things in life. The right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is attempting to use your gender to bully me and also trying to physically intimidate me and put your hands on me in a threatening way. Bro, you do not pass "Go" in life by acting a fool. The right way would have been to say, "Oh hey, you found my button! Awesome! I thought I lost it! Can I have it back?" In which case I would have automatically done so. Because I really don't give a flying fuck about you or your button. But this kid had come at me in totally the wrong way. So I felt like I should teach him a lesson. Look, I don't know you, kid. I don't know where you are from, what your story is but when you attempt to intimidate me, because you are a man, I just can't have that. We got into a pissing match at that point where he kept saying, "But look, it's my button, it fell off." And I would reply, "Yeah, but I found it on the ground." He got all pissed off and the cliche that he was, decided to call me a fucking bitch and walk away. Cool, dude, I'm a bitch. But you still don't have your pin. And now I have turned into Ronnie from the Jersey Shore.
Banana and I left a bit later as it was hotter than hell out there and we needed to get to our next show. We celebrated at a sushi restaurant. You can check out the infamous pin in the picture. We were at the next show, Ra Ra Riot, which was MASSIVE. There had to be 1000+ people on Colorado for the show. We are standing there, enjoying ourselves when this kid comes up to me again. At this point, I am like, "What the fuck? How did this kid find us. And what is his fucking problem." So he gets in my face again about this fucking pin. And again, there is a confrontational way to speak and stand when you are talking to someone. His stature was an attempt to intimidate me. And I wasn't having it because I was actually about the same height as this kid.
There was no way I was going to relent at this point. So we went through the same song and dance as before. It is actually pretty funny when you are in an argument to just repeat the same thing over and over. It really pisses people off. At this point he realizes I am not giving in. A group had kind of formed around us by this time as he began yelling that I was a fucking bitch. And then he pulled out the big guns...he decided to yell, "You big fucking dyke." Well, thanks buddy. You want a big bitchy dyke? Okay, well, bitchy dyke here now.
My response to him, "Yeah I am a big fucking dyke," and for that extra added emphasis, "And I can lick your girlfriend's pussy better than you any day." Yes, I know this was vulgar and crude, but this is what the boy asked for by pulling out the dyke card. In retrospect I could have just walked away. I probably shouldn't have said something that could have embarrassed his girlfriend, that makes me a bully. But I said it. And it felt good to do so. So fuck it.
At this point the crowd around us starts busting up so the kid walks away. About 5 minutes later he sends his girlfriend over to talk to me! WTF! Yeah, obviously because I am a big dyke, sending your girlfriend over to talk to me will instantly get you what you want. Because I just can't control my big dykey self and will do anything for women. I explained to his girl that I would have easily given it back had he not gotten physical with me and attempted to rip it out of my hands. I then told her I left the pin at the last venue and that someone probably picked it up. They finally left us alone to watch the show in peace.
Wow. So this is the first time since coming out that someone has tried to tear me down by referencing my sexuality. To tell you the truth it felt a lot more liberating that it did derogatory. I think words only have power if you give them that power. I've been called a bitch many times in my life. And it does not really bother me. But this was the first time I had been called a dyke. And it didn't really phase me. Because, yup...I am a dyke.
What I found offensive was the fact that this kid, who I had at least 10 years on felt like it was his right to act abusively toward a woman. That because he was a man, it was his right to do whatever he wanted and I could have no say in the matter. That felt violating. The fact that his tone and stance was meant to make me feel inferior and scared really pissed me off. I really do not know what it was about this day, this event, this kid and this situation - but I have never been challenged by a man in this way. Perhaps he did see me as a "dyke" and because I was a dyke, I was a second class citizen who he had the right to push around.
As I grow into my queerness I realize that these things are bound to happen more frequently to me in my life. That people will see me as inferior and try to demean me for being outside the paradigm. Maybe it's because they are scared of "the other" - but for whatever reason I need to be on guard for these situations. Granted, I don't think I will be getting into any more fights with minors. But I feel really good that I stood up for myself and held my ground. I feel that I have a stronger confidence in myself, who I am and where I am in the world. Because I now have this confidence I will not tolerate people treating me like shit. The old Captain Awkward would have probably backed down from this confrontation. But folks, the new Captain is not taking shit from any man or woman. I'm here and I'm queer with my guns a blazin'!
The day started out excellently. We walked down to the train station, enjoying a finely crafted bloody mary. After a train and a light rail trip we ended up in Pasadena. Our first stop was Lucky Baldwins for the IPA Fest. Nothing too festive there. Next we hit up Redwhite+bleuzz and had a great cheese & charcuterie platter.
After that delicious nourishment, we headed over to the stage that the Tijuana Panthers were performing on. Now I knew that the members of the band were young, but I was not really prepared to be one of the oldest people there. Upon arrival I look around and notice we are in a sea of young hipsters...translation...DONGS! The show started out well. The band was actually pretty good live. But then things took a turn for the worse...You see, the TJ Panthers are a beach music band. Their music in no way warrants moshing. Period. So Banana and I are listening to the band, having a jolly time when these dumb ass kids decide to start "moshing." I put the term "moshing" in quotes because this was the pussiest mosh pit I have ever seen in my life. They might as well have been jumping around giving each other pats on the back. But as lame as it was, it still sucked because they were bumping into people who were just trying to watch the show in peace. Now I will say that I have been to shows with real mosh pits. And I have always been afraid to step in because shit gets crazy. And I like having all of my teeth, thank you very much. Looking at this sorry excuse for a mosh pit, I knew I could easily handle it, if not dominate it. So I went for it. I jumped in and started pushing these little pansies around. And every time I got in I broke up the pit. How in the fuck was I the toughest bro out there?
In my opinion, There are two ways to go about things in life. The right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is attempting to use your gender to bully me and also trying to physically intimidate me and put your hands on me in a threatening way. Bro, you do not pass "Go" in life by acting a fool. The right way would have been to say, "Oh hey, you found my button! Awesome! I thought I lost it! Can I have it back?" In which case I would have automatically done so. Because I really don't give a flying fuck about you or your button. But this kid had come at me in totally the wrong way. So I felt like I should teach him a lesson. Look, I don't know you, kid. I don't know where you are from, what your story is but when you attempt to intimidate me, because you are a man, I just can't have that. We got into a pissing match at that point where he kept saying, "But look, it's my button, it fell off." And I would reply, "Yeah, but I found it on the ground." He got all pissed off and the cliche that he was, decided to call me a fucking bitch and walk away. Cool, dude, I'm a bitch. But you still don't have your pin. And now I have turned into Ronnie from the Jersey Shore.
 |
| "I don't know you, bro!" |
There was no way I was going to relent at this point. So we went through the same song and dance as before. It is actually pretty funny when you are in an argument to just repeat the same thing over and over. It really pisses people off. At this point he realizes I am not giving in. A group had kind of formed around us by this time as he began yelling that I was a fucking bitch. And then he pulled out the big guns...he decided to yell, "You big fucking dyke." Well, thanks buddy. You want a big bitchy dyke? Okay, well, bitchy dyke here now. My response to him, "Yeah I am a big fucking dyke," and for that extra added emphasis, "And I can lick your girlfriend's pussy better than you any day." Yes, I know this was vulgar and crude, but this is what the boy asked for by pulling out the dyke card. In retrospect I could have just walked away. I probably shouldn't have said something that could have embarrassed his girlfriend, that makes me a bully. But I said it. And it felt good to do so. So fuck it.
At this point the crowd around us starts busting up so the kid walks away. About 5 minutes later he sends his girlfriend over to talk to me! WTF! Yeah, obviously because I am a big dyke, sending your girlfriend over to talk to me will instantly get you what you want. Because I just can't control my big dykey self and will do anything for women. I explained to his girl that I would have easily given it back had he not gotten physical with me and attempted to rip it out of my hands. I then told her I left the pin at the last venue and that someone probably picked it up. They finally left us alone to watch the show in peace.
Wow. So this is the first time since coming out that someone has tried to tear me down by referencing my sexuality. To tell you the truth it felt a lot more liberating that it did derogatory. I think words only have power if you give them that power. I've been called a bitch many times in my life. And it does not really bother me. But this was the first time I had been called a dyke. And it didn't really phase me. Because, yup...I am a dyke. What I found offensive was the fact that this kid, who I had at least 10 years on felt like it was his right to act abusively toward a woman. That because he was a man, it was his right to do whatever he wanted and I could have no say in the matter. That felt violating. The fact that his tone and stance was meant to make me feel inferior and scared really pissed me off. I really do not know what it was about this day, this event, this kid and this situation - but I have never been challenged by a man in this way. Perhaps he did see me as a "dyke" and because I was a dyke, I was a second class citizen who he had the right to push around.
As I grow into my queerness I realize that these things are bound to happen more frequently to me in my life. That people will see me as inferior and try to demean me for being outside the paradigm. Maybe it's because they are scared of "the other" - but for whatever reason I need to be on guard for these situations. Granted, I don't think I will be getting into any more fights with minors. But I feel really good that I stood up for myself and held my ground. I feel that I have a stronger confidence in myself, who I am and where I am in the world. Because I now have this confidence I will not tolerate people treating me like shit. The old Captain Awkward would have probably backed down from this confrontation. But folks, the new Captain is not taking shit from any man or woman. I'm here and I'm queer with my guns a blazin'! 
1 Viva Las Vegas!
16 June 2011
Can I just say how much I fucking love Las Vegas?! The lights, the booze, the ladies! Sin City indeed! This was definitely a trip for the books. I went to Vegas 2 other times this year. Once with my friends and another time with JC. Back in December when I was in Vegas for Banana's Bday, I remember not feeling sure of myself and actually quite intimidated at the thought of trying to pick up on women. I just hadn't really settled into my GAAAAAAAAYdom yet. This time it was a whole 'nother story. I went to Vegas to hook up. And hook up I did.
Iggy and I decided to head out for a spontaneous road trip about a week ago. And as luck would have it, the stars aligned with our work schedules and low rates at the Hard Rock so we headed out. We arrived in Vegas on Sunday night around 9pm. After showering and pre-partying in the room, we headed to Krave which is supposed to be one of the best gay clubs in town. Well, when we got there it was pretty dead, but it picked up a bit as the night rolled on. We ended up meeting some really nice guys from Manchester and the bartender had his eye on Iggy, which scored us some free drinks. Awesome! Our new gay boyfriends were surprised that lesbians and gay men got along so well in the US. I guess where they are from there is no commingling of the gays. Interesting.
After hanging out for a bit, I saw this girl who was also wearing a black tank top, so I went up to her and said, "You know we are supposed to call each other before going out to make sure we don't match..." Or something to that effect. Anyhoo, her friend was really cute and we ended up striking up a conversation. They were from Canada and had spent the week in Vegas.
We ended up leaving with them and I extended an invitation to come back to our hotel, as it was closer to the club than the hotel they were staying in - you know, just to be cordial to our international friends. After a drink at the hotel bar, I somehow fandangled them into coming up to the room. At this point I had a situation on my hands. I was really feeling this one girl but her friend, the one in the tank top was hitting on Iggy hard. Because Iggy is such an awesome pal, she agreed to be my wing woman, but I could tell this chick's advances were making her a bit uncomfortable. Hell, they were making me uncomfortable! No matter how many times I told tank chick that Iggy was straight as a nail (and has a hot ass husband no doubt) she would not relent. But in adversity, Captain Awkward sees opportunity. So I invited both ladies up to the room and got Iggy out of the situation.
Now did I really think I could swing a threesome? Well, yes, I did. But luckily, the other chick passed out and I got to spend some...ahem...quality time with the hottie. And it was fan-fucking-tastic. Absolutely amazing and awesome. Just what I needed.
It has been a long time since I had had any physical contact with another person. And fuck, it felt so good just to be close to somebody and make out. The sex was a bonus, but really it was just wonderful to be with someone again. And it was nice not to have strings attached and all that other bullshit. Yep, I am saying it, I like one night stands. Judge all you like but sometimes you just need to toot it and boot it. It's kind of like a business relationship. You both have an expressed interest in a specific goal and as long as no one gets hurt in the process, both people win! I know it sounds scandalous, but I am not ashamed of having needs and finding consensual partners to fulfill them.
I used to feel very different about the one night stands when I was in hetero land. Well, firstly I didn't particularly enjoy the old in-out with men but I also realize that I used it as a way for guys to like me. I hadn't been with many dudes before I was married but then immediately doubled my number after about 2 months of being separated from my husband. And that didn't feel good, liberating or awesome at all. It's because I went into it with the wrong mindset. I wanted the guy to like me or I felt like I had to put out. Ugh. Gross. Speaking of numbers, I used to get really wigged out about the number of men I had slept with. I felt like I had to keep the number low, or I was a ho. I don't fell the same with women. I actually feel that more experience would do me good :D
I see this as a normal expression of my sexuality - and also as a learning process, getting to know and understand my sexuality. It's also much less scary and volatile to hook up with another chick. Women, in my experiences have been really understanding of boundaries and limits. I can't say the same for men. But with women it is really my body and my choice - for the first time. My shrink will probably say this is just a continuance of my sexual adolescence as a result of recently coming out. Could be true. Or I could just be a horny bitch.
I think it all comes down to how we each internalize our own experiences. I could have felt shameful about my Vegas hook up. But I don't. I feel happy, giddy, liberated and thankful for the experience. Yeah, I will never see this chick again, and that is okay! It is perfectly normal to express sexuality in a consenting situation. After JC and then the D debacle, the last thing I want in my life is a relationship right now. I am really riding high on my own and the thought of bringing another person into my life isn't something I am seeking. On the other hand, it is totally necessary for me to have physical contact with another woman. Social stigmas can kiss my ass. Sometimes we all just need to hit it and quit it. And look at the bright side, I now have a serious appreciation for Canadians. God bless 'em!
Iggy and I decided to head out for a spontaneous road trip about a week ago. And as luck would have it, the stars aligned with our work schedules and low rates at the Hard Rock so we headed out. We arrived in Vegas on Sunday night around 9pm. After showering and pre-partying in the room, we headed to Krave which is supposed to be one of the best gay clubs in town. Well, when we got there it was pretty dead, but it picked up a bit as the night rolled on. We ended up meeting some really nice guys from Manchester and the bartender had his eye on Iggy, which scored us some free drinks. Awesome! Our new gay boyfriends were surprised that lesbians and gay men got along so well in the US. I guess where they are from there is no commingling of the gays. Interesting.
After hanging out for a bit, I saw this girl who was also wearing a black tank top, so I went up to her and said, "You know we are supposed to call each other before going out to make sure we don't match..." Or something to that effect. Anyhoo, her friend was really cute and we ended up striking up a conversation. They were from Canada and had spent the week in Vegas.
We ended up leaving with them and I extended an invitation to come back to our hotel, as it was closer to the club than the hotel they were staying in - you know, just to be cordial to our international friends. After a drink at the hotel bar, I somehow fandangled them into coming up to the room. At this point I had a situation on my hands. I was really feeling this one girl but her friend, the one in the tank top was hitting on Iggy hard. Because Iggy is such an awesome pal, she agreed to be my wing woman, but I could tell this chick's advances were making her a bit uncomfortable. Hell, they were making me uncomfortable! No matter how many times I told tank chick that Iggy was straight as a nail (and has a hot ass husband no doubt) she would not relent. But in adversity, Captain Awkward sees opportunity. So I invited both ladies up to the room and got Iggy out of the situation.
Now did I really think I could swing a threesome? Well, yes, I did. But luckily, the other chick passed out and I got to spend some...ahem...quality time with the hottie. And it was fan-fucking-tastic. Absolutely amazing and awesome. Just what I needed.
It has been a long time since I had had any physical contact with another person. And fuck, it felt so good just to be close to somebody and make out. The sex was a bonus, but really it was just wonderful to be with someone again. And it was nice not to have strings attached and all that other bullshit. Yep, I am saying it, I like one night stands. Judge all you like but sometimes you just need to toot it and boot it. It's kind of like a business relationship. You both have an expressed interest in a specific goal and as long as no one gets hurt in the process, both people win! I know it sounds scandalous, but I am not ashamed of having needs and finding consensual partners to fulfill them.
I used to feel very different about the one night stands when I was in hetero land. Well, firstly I didn't particularly enjoy the old in-out with men but I also realize that I used it as a way for guys to like me. I hadn't been with many dudes before I was married but then immediately doubled my number after about 2 months of being separated from my husband. And that didn't feel good, liberating or awesome at all. It's because I went into it with the wrong mindset. I wanted the guy to like me or I felt like I had to put out. Ugh. Gross. Speaking of numbers, I used to get really wigged out about the number of men I had slept with. I felt like I had to keep the number low, or I was a ho. I don't fell the same with women. I actually feel that more experience would do me good :D
I see this as a normal expression of my sexuality - and also as a learning process, getting to know and understand my sexuality. It's also much less scary and volatile to hook up with another chick. Women, in my experiences have been really understanding of boundaries and limits. I can't say the same for men. But with women it is really my body and my choice - for the first time. My shrink will probably say this is just a continuance of my sexual adolescence as a result of recently coming out. Could be true. Or I could just be a horny bitch.
I think it all comes down to how we each internalize our own experiences. I could have felt shameful about my Vegas hook up. But I don't. I feel happy, giddy, liberated and thankful for the experience. Yeah, I will never see this chick again, and that is okay! It is perfectly normal to express sexuality in a consenting situation. After JC and then the D debacle, the last thing I want in my life is a relationship right now. I am really riding high on my own and the thought of bringing another person into my life isn't something I am seeking. On the other hand, it is totally necessary for me to have physical contact with another woman. Social stigmas can kiss my ass. Sometimes we all just need to hit it and quit it. And look at the bright side, I now have a serious appreciation for Canadians. God bless 'em!
0 Don't Say Gay
11 June 2011
What the fuck is up with this "Don't Say Gay" bill in Tennessee? It basically says that K-8 teachers are not allowed to discuss homosexuality as part of their curriculum. Think about it...kids begin to get sex ed courses during this time. I remember having sex ed as young as 5th grade. It is a blatant assault on a student's right to have all sides of an issue. Fact: There are variances in sexuality. This is not a vanilla world we are living in, folks!
This is absolutely disgusting on so many levels. I think this comes from the fact that many people still view homosexuality as a choice. The fact that our legislators operate under this assumption is both scary and angering. This assumption leads to hate bills, such as the one in Tennessee. Secondly, there is much evidence to prove that when differences are not openly discussed in a safe forum, hate and crime increases. Simply omitting the word "gay" and not teaching variances in sexual behavior will not eradicate homosexuality. It will simply breed ignorance and intolerance.
I don't know how many times I wished that I would have had more frank discussions about sexual variances while growing up. I feel like I would have come out earlier if I had seen more gay people in the media, discussed it school during sex ed or if I would have had any gay role models in my family.
I can actually remember the first time I met any "real lesbians." My dad had moved to Arizona for a job during my junior year of high school and I would visit him frequently. Some of his coworkers were lesbians. I remember being quite fascinated by these women. I felt instantly at home with them and interested in their lives that were so different from any experiences I had in my own life. I can also remember later, at my dad's wedding feeling a close bond with these ladies. I just felt an instant comfort with with them that I couldn't quite explain. This was around the time my sister had the "gay intervention" with me. Perhaps she too saw the bond I had with these ladies. Not too long after my dad's wedding, these ladies found jobs in other places and moved on. Who knows, maybe if I would have had more time to spend with them I could have come to my realization earlier. To think that it took me 18 years to meet and learn about lesbians is just sad. I think my dad may have had inklings about my sexuality and purposely introduced me to these women to show me the possibilities I could have in life.
Serendipitously, I am planning on seeing one of these ladies, KK very soon! I am hopefully meeting up with her and her girlfriend at SF Pride! KK recently contacted my dad's wife on FB and then my dad's wife passed on the info to me. I can't wait to catch up with KK. She was one of my dad's closest friends and being with her and talking about my dad will be like being with a piece of him again.
And let me just say for the record that my parents were not homophobic. There was never any derogatory language about gay people in my family and never any Catholic guilt about it. In fact, there was a male gay couple that lived in our neighborhood. They were just as much a part of the community as any other family. But when they moved away, gay was never really discussed again. Also, my parents came from a time and a place where homosexuality did not really exist in their reality - white middle class suburbia. I can't blame them for not discussing alternative lifestyles because it was not something they knew much about. But I do believe that the negation of the possibility of alternative lifestyles was detrimental to my development. For the record - I don't blame them, I just wish things would have been different.
I think a lot about the world my niece is growing up in. Living in Santa Monica, she will definitely see gay people out and about, public displays of affection and all. She will have media exposure to alternative lifestyles (whether good or bad, it's out there now). There will be political, social and religious conversations about the legalization of gay marriage, gay rights and gay parents as she begins to formulate her own morals and view of humanity. But most of all I hope to be there to show her that love comes in all kinds of packages. And that you have to be proud of yourself and love yourself even if some people think your "lifestyle" is wrong. And when I find a partner, I want our relationship to be another example of love for her. I want my niece will grow up with not only the word gay as a part of her vernacular but to also have a gay role model in her life.
Then I think about how this legislation will affect kids in Tennessee. How the negation of a word can have such great repercussions. What happens to those kids who know they are different but have no idea how to understand or express how they are feeling because their freedom and right to information has been revoked. That who they are is so dirty and sinful, it can't even be said out loud. What kind of world are we living in when this type of legislation is taken seriously enough to pass?
This is absolutely disgusting on so many levels. I think this comes from the fact that many people still view homosexuality as a choice. The fact that our legislators operate under this assumption is both scary and angering. This assumption leads to hate bills, such as the one in Tennessee. Secondly, there is much evidence to prove that when differences are not openly discussed in a safe forum, hate and crime increases. Simply omitting the word "gay" and not teaching variances in sexual behavior will not eradicate homosexuality. It will simply breed ignorance and intolerance.
I can actually remember the first time I met any "real lesbians." My dad had moved to Arizona for a job during my junior year of high school and I would visit him frequently. Some of his coworkers were lesbians. I remember being quite fascinated by these women. I felt instantly at home with them and interested in their lives that were so different from any experiences I had in my own life. I can also remember later, at my dad's wedding feeling a close bond with these ladies. I just felt an instant comfort with with them that I couldn't quite explain. This was around the time my sister had the "gay intervention" with me. Perhaps she too saw the bond I had with these ladies. Not too long after my dad's wedding, these ladies found jobs in other places and moved on. Who knows, maybe if I would have had more time to spend with them I could have come to my realization earlier. To think that it took me 18 years to meet and learn about lesbians is just sad. I think my dad may have had inklings about my sexuality and purposely introduced me to these women to show me the possibilities I could have in life.
Serendipitously, I am planning on seeing one of these ladies, KK very soon! I am hopefully meeting up with her and her girlfriend at SF Pride! KK recently contacted my dad's wife on FB and then my dad's wife passed on the info to me. I can't wait to catch up with KK. She was one of my dad's closest friends and being with her and talking about my dad will be like being with a piece of him again.
And let me just say for the record that my parents were not homophobic. There was never any derogatory language about gay people in my family and never any Catholic guilt about it. In fact, there was a male gay couple that lived in our neighborhood. They were just as much a part of the community as any other family. But when they moved away, gay was never really discussed again. Also, my parents came from a time and a place where homosexuality did not really exist in their reality - white middle class suburbia. I can't blame them for not discussing alternative lifestyles because it was not something they knew much about. But I do believe that the negation of the possibility of alternative lifestyles was detrimental to my development. For the record - I don't blame them, I just wish things would have been different.
I think a lot about the world my niece is growing up in. Living in Santa Monica, she will definitely see gay people out and about, public displays of affection and all. She will have media exposure to alternative lifestyles (whether good or bad, it's out there now). There will be political, social and religious conversations about the legalization of gay marriage, gay rights and gay parents as she begins to formulate her own morals and view of humanity. But most of all I hope to be there to show her that love comes in all kinds of packages. And that you have to be proud of yourself and love yourself even if some people think your "lifestyle" is wrong. And when I find a partner, I want our relationship to be another example of love for her. I want my niece will grow up with not only the word gay as a part of her vernacular but to also have a gay role model in her life.
Then I think about how this legislation will affect kids in Tennessee. How the negation of a word can have such great repercussions. What happens to those kids who know they are different but have no idea how to understand or express how they are feeling because their freedom and right to information has been revoked. That who they are is so dirty and sinful, it can't even be said out loud. What kind of world are we living in when this type of legislation is taken seriously enough to pass?
0 The summer of YES!
Well, I did it! I got my tattoo. And yes, it hurt like a bitch! The outline was not so bad but the shading was torturous. I think it took about 1.5 hours. I almost passed out at the end. But it was well worth it. I love it! Still working through the healing process. The oozing of plasma and ink was pretty gross but it has subsided by today. I am really glad I got this to capture this moment in my life. A time when I am happy, free and on the verge of so many wonderful things. My mom, although shocked by the size, was cool with it and said she liked that it symbolized me blossoming. I thought that was pretty cool of her.
So this tattoo kicks off what I am going to call, "The Summer of YES!" Meaning whatever opportunity and adventure comes a knocking, I am going to run with it. My pal Iggy and I are heading out for a spontaneous Vegas trip tomorrow and then coming back to catch the Florence + The Machine concert on Tuesday.
Good old Princess Star called me last Sunday about going to SF Pride. She & one of her friends are driving up Friday and coming back Sunday. Because I already have Britney Spears tickets (yes, and if you are going to judge me about this, you can suck it) on Friday and a staff meeting on Saturday I declined. About 2 seconds after I hung up the phone I got on the computer and booked a flight up to SF Saturday afternoon, just in time to catch the Dyke March and then I will fly home Sunday. Yeah, the tickets are costing me about $300. But SF Pride?! Priceless experience, my friends. I can't wait to be surrounded by thousands of gays!
I have continued my upward spiral. Feeling really happy with where I am and what I am doing. I actually feel like my brain chemistry is functioning differently. Yeah, it could be due to the fact that I have pretty much given up smoking pot and cut my drinking back quite a bit, but I think it has to do with just being truly happy for the first time in my life. Now I am not saying that I have not been happy before, but this is the first time I have been consistently happy at such an intense level. Crazy.
In dating news...well there is no news. I feel really exhausted after the whole D debacle. I have been on OK Cupid a bit. An interesting chick from LB messaged me and we have been chatting back & forth. But I just can't spend the time browsing on that site that I used to. I am just happy being on my own right now. Although I continue to be hyper horny. I hope to hit up the fruit loop while in Vegas and at least make out with someone there. I just need a bit of physical contact, ya know?! I hope to have some good stories for you all when I get back.
2 And what?
27 May 2011
Happy thoughts! That's what! Holy fuck, I have somehow found myself in a happy place. Holler-lujah! I have so many things going for me and so much more mental space since I ended things with D. I can't believe how much time and energy she expected of me. And how willing I was to shell it out. After a great session with my therapist last night I realize I have really made the right choice. That bitch was crazy and I got out before her craziness rubbed off on me. My shrink actually thinks D might have Borderline Personality Disorder which is pretty freaky shit. And not the freaky shit I like, okaaaaaaaay?!
I finally feel like I am growing and learning to look out for my star player, myself. I spent so much time in the "bad place" - what I call self doubt, anxiety and sadness - when I was with JC. I did not want to go back to that. I could feel my relationship with D pulling me into that dark place and I had to say, "fuck it, this bitch ain't worth it." I am the bitch who is worth it! (Yes, I am in a sassy mood this Friday.) I am so glad I was able to pull out of the funk Saturday and turn my depression into dance. Although I will say my calves were sore until today. But still, I see this as a giant move forward and I am so happy to have made it! I realize that I am in an awesome place and I really don't need anyone else's shit getting in my way. I'm sure that I will come across someone who will rock my world. I'm not sure exactly when that will be, but until then I am just going to kick it with myself, my friends and family and have a good time. I figure the more I can work my own shit out, the better off I will be when that sweet lady comes along.
Plus, I am getting really excited to begin grad school in the fall. I have ordered a bunch of books from the library so I can start reading up. I can barely explain how awesome it feels to be starting on a career path that I find so exciting, inspiring and amazing. I am looking forward to intellectual debate and rigor. Meeting people with similar ideas and visions. I have always enjoyed academia (though not really until college) and am itching to get back into it. Yeah, there are the anxieties that come along with the administrative end of things, but all that shit will work out. When I get to campus I am going to link up with the PRIDE center, because we all know how much I am obsessed with my gayness.
In other news, I have finally decided to get another tattoo! I am super stoked about it. It is something that has been on my mind for a while and I am ready to take the plunge. It's funny, but when you talk to people who do not have tattoos they always say, "I could never decide on something that would be on my body forever." But when you talk to people with tattoos, it's a whole 'nother story. They symbolize a specific time or place in your life. My other tattoo is just that. Silly as it might be, it symbolized the freedom from my marriage and the right to do as I pleased - kind of my first step towards becoming myself. This tattoo is meant to mark another important time in my life - the time in which I finally became who I was inside and the things I have been through this year. It will be a poppy with two leaves. The poppy symbolizes the joy and beauty that my niece has brought to my life - plus, let's face it, she is a wild flower! And the leaves are to honor my dad and my aunt who have passed away. It is important to me that I put this tattoo in a place that I can see, so that I have a daily reminder of the blessings I have in my life. And that no matter what I have the love and support of my family. It will be a variation of this picture:
Also, I came across this really awesome article today that I thought I would share. It is really cool to think about:12 Things You Might Not Have Learned in a Classroom
Some great things for all of us to ponder. Anyway, I hope you all are in your own happy places. Enjoy the holiday weekend!
I finally feel like I am growing and learning to look out for my star player, myself. I spent so much time in the "bad place" - what I call self doubt, anxiety and sadness - when I was with JC. I did not want to go back to that. I could feel my relationship with D pulling me into that dark place and I had to say, "fuck it, this bitch ain't worth it." I am the bitch who is worth it! (Yes, I am in a sassy mood this Friday.) I am so glad I was able to pull out of the funk Saturday and turn my depression into dance. Although I will say my calves were sore until today. But still, I see this as a giant move forward and I am so happy to have made it! I realize that I am in an awesome place and I really don't need anyone else's shit getting in my way. I'm sure that I will come across someone who will rock my world. I'm not sure exactly when that will be, but until then I am just going to kick it with myself, my friends and family and have a good time. I figure the more I can work my own shit out, the better off I will be when that sweet lady comes along.
Plus, I am getting really excited to begin grad school in the fall. I have ordered a bunch of books from the library so I can start reading up. I can barely explain how awesome it feels to be starting on a career path that I find so exciting, inspiring and amazing. I am looking forward to intellectual debate and rigor. Meeting people with similar ideas and visions. I have always enjoyed academia (though not really until college) and am itching to get back into it. Yeah, there are the anxieties that come along with the administrative end of things, but all that shit will work out. When I get to campus I am going to link up with the PRIDE center, because we all know how much I am obsessed with my gayness.
In other news, I have finally decided to get another tattoo! I am super stoked about it. It is something that has been on my mind for a while and I am ready to take the plunge. It's funny, but when you talk to people who do not have tattoos they always say, "I could never decide on something that would be on my body forever." But when you talk to people with tattoos, it's a whole 'nother story. They symbolize a specific time or place in your life. My other tattoo is just that. Silly as it might be, it symbolized the freedom from my marriage and the right to do as I pleased - kind of my first step towards becoming myself. This tattoo is meant to mark another important time in my life - the time in which I finally became who I was inside and the things I have been through this year. It will be a poppy with two leaves. The poppy symbolizes the joy and beauty that my niece has brought to my life - plus, let's face it, she is a wild flower! And the leaves are to honor my dad and my aunt who have passed away. It is important to me that I put this tattoo in a place that I can see, so that I have a daily reminder of the blessings I have in my life. And that no matter what I have the love and support of my family. It will be a variation of this picture:
Really educated people ...
Establish an individual set of values but recognize those of the surrounding community and of the various cultures of the world.
Explore their own ancestry, culture, and place.
Are comfortable being alone, yet understand dynamics between people and form healthy relationships.
Accept mortality, knowing that every choice affects the generations to come.
Create new things and find new experiences.
Think for themselves; observe, analyze, and discover truth without relying on the opinions of others.
Favor love, curiosity, reverence, and empathy rather than material wealth.
Choose a vocation that contributes to the common good.
Enjoy a variety of new places and experiences but identify and cherish a place to call home.
Express their own voice with confidence.
Add value to every encounter and every group of which they are a part.
Always ask: “Who am I? Where are my limits? What are my possibilities?
Some great things for all of us to ponder. Anyway, I hope you all are in your own happy places. Enjoy the holiday weekend!
1 This is my life
22 May 2011
After much consideration I have decided to end it with D. I realized that the "relationship" was indeed toxic and not conducive to my mental stability. She saw a friendship, I was always looking or something more. Why was I chasing after someone who has clearly stated that they are not in a place to be chased? I feel like crying. But for a completely different reason that you might be thinking. I do not want to cry for the fact that I am losing D in my life. Quite the contrary.
The tears I shed are for myself. Tears of happiness. For the first time in my life I have identified something that is negative and harmful to my mental well being and actively taken steps to move away from it. The emotion I am feeling is happiness for standing up for myself and what I want. I do not want to be in a relationship that is not reciprocated. I do not want to be somebody's "friend" when I feel more. I am actually moving towards being more healthy and happy. And that is an amazing feeling.
I am crying because I have never afforded myself such luxury in life. I have never felt such self worth. Having the conversation with D was hard. Thinking about not having her in my life was scary. But her presence at this point was toxic. Being able to identify and eradicate this negativity is something I have never been able to do before. Perhaps because I never thought I was worth it. But now I know - No one deserves my time and attention unless they are open and willing to reciprocate. I do not need to devote my affection to someone who is not going to give that affection back to me. Holy shit. I think I am finally learning something here.
I cry tears of happiness because I can finally take care of myself. I cry tears of sadness because it has taken this long to do so. I think I am finally on the road to finding what I want in life. And that makes me want to cry as well. But those are good tears. And I look forward to having many more of them.
The tears I shed are for myself. Tears of happiness. For the first time in my life I have identified something that is negative and harmful to my mental well being and actively taken steps to move away from it. The emotion I am feeling is happiness for standing up for myself and what I want. I do not want to be in a relationship that is not reciprocated. I do not want to be somebody's "friend" when I feel more. I am actually moving towards being more healthy and happy. And that is an amazing feeling.
I am crying because I have never afforded myself such luxury in life. I have never felt such self worth. Having the conversation with D was hard. Thinking about not having her in my life was scary. But her presence at this point was toxic. Being able to identify and eradicate this negativity is something I have never been able to do before. Perhaps because I never thought I was worth it. But now I know - No one deserves my time and attention unless they are open and willing to reciprocate. I do not need to devote my affection to someone who is not going to give that affection back to me. Holy shit. I think I am finally learning something here.
I cry tears of happiness because I can finally take care of myself. I cry tears of sadness because it has taken this long to do so. I think I am finally on the road to finding what I want in life. And that makes me want to cry as well. But those are good tears. And I look forward to having many more of them.
