Dating: Fun or emotional torture?

As you all might have picked up on, I have a tendency to over analyze social situations. I think it is just hard wired into my DNA! So I have found dating to be kind of excruciating. I over think every statement, text, how long it took to respond to a text, etc...

I know part of being an attractive partner is to appear as if you do not care so much and neediness is a total turnoff. But where is the fucking happy medium? How do you play it cool and also communicate interest? I just feel like every move I make is the wrong one. Example:

I went on another OK Cupid date on Thursday. Let's call her LOL (because she has a tendency to say that a lot in texts). I had been texting with LOL for a week before our date. I really enjoyed it and felt like we were hitting it off. I was really looking forward to our date. Thursday finally rolls around. We met at a bar downtown.

My impression of the night: It went awesome! We had many things in common, chatted and had a good time. The bar got really crowded so I invited her back to my place. We continued to laugh and chat but there was no monkey business (still trying to figure out the rules on 1st date hanky panky, so I am abstaining for now). I walked her to her car, gave her a hug and then she said, "We should hang out again." 

Now I am going to go on a bit of a bird walk (but hang with me, this will play into the larger story)...On Xmas eve I was hanging out with my brothers from another mother. My best pals growing up, Meeker & Frosty Mug know me very well. But as we have gotten older the chances to hang out together have become fewer and far between. But I love those guys and when we do get the chance to hang out, pure chaos ensues. We finally had some time to spend with each other so I thought that this would be the right time to come out to my bros. They were happy for me and supportive but even more excited because now they have someone to find and review good lesbian porn. In the spirit of the holidays, I told them about Ultimate Surrender. I feel like this makes up for the time I told them Santa wasn't real. Haha. 

Anyhoo...enough about porn. I was telling them about my date and asking them for advice. If you are interested in a person, is it the best idea to make those intentions known? Both Meeker and Frosty Mug told me that when they like a girl, they will ask her out again quickly, because that is what feels right to them. They told me to forget the rules about waiting X amount of days because that is lame. So I figured, "why not?" I am going to put myself out there and see what happens. I texted LOL and told her that I would like to make dinner for her (this isn't totally out of left field, we have been talking about how she can't cook and that she is impressed that I can do so) and if she was free on Sunday. Well, her reply sounded positive but she said she has tentative plans with a friend Sunday night and could we postpone to the next Sunday. When I consulted with my bros on this text, they were skeptical that she would want to wait a whole week to get together again. They said I should suggest another night in this week and see what happens. But, being a person who values a schedule, I opted to just reply that we could play it by ear and if it didn't work out this week, we could figure something else out. So I did not confirm for next Sunday. This seemed to go over well.


So on Xmas, we are still texting back and forth. Good times. But now the texting, which had been pretty frequent, has slowed to a crawl. I also notice that she gives short answers and does not ask questions in her replies. She texted me late Sunday afternoon to say she couldn't make it to dinner because she was going out with her friend, which I appreciated because she could have just totally blew me off. I decided to play it cool, and just reply, "have fun." Now here is my question, should I have attempted to confirm the date for the next week, or is it good that I just kept it vague? And what should I do now? Wait for her to say something or should I bring it up? She did seem interested in the dinner date...hmm..I need some advice from all of you out there!


Now in the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit to two shameful things I did on Xmas. The first, was that I drunk dialed LOL - which may account for the distancing on her part. But, in my own defense I left a very short message, that just said, "Merry Xmas, hope you are having a good day." I rerecorded the damn thing like 4 times to make sure it didn't sound crazy (and yes, I am fully aware that the fact that I rerecorded the message so many times is crazy). The second shameful act was that I called Xena for a rendezvous. Thankfully she didn't come over but now I have opened up that can of worms again. But damn, sometimes all you need is a warm body! Am I right? And Cha Cha, if you are reading this, I hope you are happy with the full disclosure. Haha.

To tell you the truth this weekend was a bit more difficult than I had expected. I used to get depressed around the holidays when I was younger. But this year I thought I was coasting through just fine. But then on Xmas eve, I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, hanging out with my brothers was amazing. Being with them and their family was like going home for Xmas (literally, their parents live across the street from the house I grew up in). And I had a great time with my family on Xmas day. It was a beautiful celebration. But when I got home I realized that this was the first time I was going to sleep alone on Xmas. I have either lived at home or with someone every year of my life. Just being here alone (and drunk) was a bit overwhelming. Plus, I really miss my dad around Xmas because that was a really special time for us. We would always try to escape all of my mom's chores and have fun. So I had my own personal "airing of grievances." I put on some John Frusciante and a good, long cry (which I must say, was long overdue). I think had to really feel and accept the loneliness - which was pretty hard and depressing. But at least I have made it through that scary moment and can move forward. And thank Black Jesus that Xmas comes but once a year!


All of these complex emotions I was having this weekend really fucked up my ability to think clearly about my most recent date with LOL. I mean, seriously, I can't even believe what I just wrote about the whole thing. I sound fucking crazy! Everything is probably perfectly normal. I should just be happy she is speaking to me after the 1st date, right? I know I need to ease up and be more relaxed about dating. It is supposed to be fun, right? But all of the recent rejections have really gotten into my head. I feel like I don't have the energy (or courage) to step up to the plate and put myself out there with LOL. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing, no matter what the situation. Ugh. If I can't even like myself, and have confidence in my choices - how can I expect anyone to reciprocate?