3 Dating: Fun or emotional torture?

As you all might have picked up on, I have a tendency to over analyze social situations. I think it is just hard wired into my DNA! So I have found dating to be kind of excruciating. I over think every statement, text, how long it took to respond to a text, etc...

I know part of being an attractive partner is to appear as if you do not care so much and neediness is a total turnoff. But where is the fucking happy medium? How do you play it cool and also communicate interest? I just feel like every move I make is the wrong one. Example:

I went on another OK Cupid date on Thursday. Let's call her LOL (because she has a tendency to say that a lot in texts). I had been texting with LOL for a week before our date. I really enjoyed it and felt like we were hitting it off. I was really looking forward to our date. Thursday finally rolls around. We met at a bar downtown.

My impression of the night: It went awesome! We had many things in common, chatted and had a good time. The bar got really crowded so I invited her back to my place. We continued to laugh and chat but there was no monkey business (still trying to figure out the rules on 1st date hanky panky, so I am abstaining for now). I walked her to her car, gave her a hug and then she said, "We should hang out again." 

Now I am going to go on a bit of a bird walk (but hang with me, this will play into the larger story)...On Xmas eve I was hanging out with my brothers from another mother. My best pals growing up, Meeker & Frosty Mug know me very well. But as we have gotten older the chances to hang out together have become fewer and far between. But I love those guys and when we do get the chance to hang out, pure chaos ensues. We finally had some time to spend with each other so I thought that this would be the right time to come out to my bros. They were happy for me and supportive but even more excited because now they have someone to find and review good lesbian porn. In the spirit of the holidays, I told them about Ultimate Surrender. I feel like this makes up for the time I told them Santa wasn't real. Haha. 

Anyhoo...enough about porn. I was telling them about my date and asking them for advice. If you are interested in a person, is it the best idea to make those intentions known? Both Meeker and Frosty Mug told me that when they like a girl, they will ask her out again quickly, because that is what feels right to them. They told me to forget the rules about waiting X amount of days because that is lame. So I figured, "why not?" I am going to put myself out there and see what happens. I texted LOL and told her that I would like to make dinner for her (this isn't totally out of left field, we have been talking about how she can't cook and that she is impressed that I can do so) and if she was free on Sunday. Well, her reply sounded positive but she said she has tentative plans with a friend Sunday night and could we postpone to the next Sunday. When I consulted with my bros on this text, they were skeptical that she would want to wait a whole week to get together again. They said I should suggest another night in this week and see what happens. But, being a person who values a schedule, I opted to just reply that we could play it by ear and if it didn't work out this week, we could figure something else out. So I did not confirm for next Sunday. This seemed to go over well.


So on Xmas, we are still texting back and forth. Good times. But now the texting, which had been pretty frequent, has slowed to a crawl. I also notice that she gives short answers and does not ask questions in her replies. She texted me late Sunday afternoon to say she couldn't make it to dinner because she was going out with her friend, which I appreciated because she could have just totally blew me off. I decided to play it cool, and just reply, "have fun." Now here is my question, should I have attempted to confirm the date for the next week, or is it good that I just kept it vague? And what should I do now? Wait for her to say something or should I bring it up? She did seem interested in the dinner date...hmm..I need some advice from all of you out there!


Now in the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit to two shameful things I did on Xmas. The first, was that I drunk dialed LOL - which may account for the distancing on her part. But, in my own defense I left a very short message, that just said, "Merry Xmas, hope you are having a good day." I rerecorded the damn thing like 4 times to make sure it didn't sound crazy (and yes, I am fully aware that the fact that I rerecorded the message so many times is crazy). The second shameful act was that I called Xena for a rendezvous. Thankfully she didn't come over but now I have opened up that can of worms again. But damn, sometimes all you need is a warm body! Am I right? And Cha Cha, if you are reading this, I hope you are happy with the full disclosure. Haha.

To tell you the truth this weekend was a bit more difficult than I had expected. I used to get depressed around the holidays when I was younger. But this year I thought I was coasting through just fine. But then on Xmas eve, I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, hanging out with my brothers was amazing. Being with them and their family was like going home for Xmas (literally, their parents live across the street from the house I grew up in). And I had a great time with my family on Xmas day. It was a beautiful celebration. But when I got home I realized that this was the first time I was going to sleep alone on Xmas. I have either lived at home or with someone every year of my life. Just being here alone (and drunk) was a bit overwhelming. Plus, I really miss my dad around Xmas because that was a really special time for us. We would always try to escape all of my mom's chores and have fun. So I had my own personal "airing of grievances." I put on some John Frusciante and a good, long cry (which I must say, was long overdue). I think had to really feel and accept the loneliness - which was pretty hard and depressing. But at least I have made it through that scary moment and can move forward. And thank Black Jesus that Xmas comes but once a year!


All of these complex emotions I was having this weekend really fucked up my ability to think clearly about my most recent date with LOL. I mean, seriously, I can't even believe what I just wrote about the whole thing. I sound fucking crazy! Everything is probably perfectly normal. I should just be happy she is speaking to me after the 1st date, right? I know I need to ease up and be more relaxed about dating. It is supposed to be fun, right? But all of the recent rejections have really gotten into my head. I feel like I don't have the energy (or courage) to step up to the plate and put myself out there with LOL. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing, no matter what the situation. Ugh. If I can't even like myself, and have confidence in my choices - how can I expect anyone to reciprocate?

5 Lesson Learned: 22 = Too Young

Because nothing normal can ever happen in my life...
So my rendezvous with Xena this weekend is now haunting me. I'm not sure if it is because she is so young but she has kind of latched onto me. I didn't mention this in the last post but when we were hanging out she kept bringing up that she couldn't believe that I didn't have a girlfriend and that she thought I probably had one but was lying about it. Talk about a total turnoff. I'm not sure what the hell this is all about but I don't have a girlfriend! I told her once and don't really think it is necessary to repeat myself. My guess is that she must have been screwed over in the past - but why is that my problem? So now she keeps texting me about it. And I just don't know what to say! Wait, actually I know exactly what to say, "Bitch, I don't have a girlfriend! Drop it!" Oh man, what have I gotten myself into?

1 Oasis...Maybe I misjudged you

In the past I have been pretty critical of the gay nightclub, Oasis in Upland. I had been there on several occasions but didn't really have a good time. But on Friday night, my pal Cubano hit me up and suggested we check it out. I agreed because any time I go out with Cubano, it is an awesome time. To make the deal sweeter, Banana joined us as well. As we sipped on Go Go Girls! (Go Girl! energy drink & vodka) we got ready for what was to become a very interesting night...

We got to the club around 11:30 and headed out to the dance floor. We were shutting that mother fucker down when this girl came up to me. She told me I was cute and that she wanted to buy me a drink. Well, flattery and free booze will just about get you anywhere in my book, so I agreed. Now here is where the story gets interesting. As we were chatting over drinks, I discovered the following similarities between the two of us:

1. We share the same first name (but for the sake of this blog, her name shall be Xena, because who wouldn't want to share a name with a warrior princess?!)
2. We are both divorced
3. She currently works at a place I used to work at - as a matter of fact, the place I met Banana, Cheer Boy and Dazzle
4. She has the same birthday as my dad
5. She also has a lynx point Siamese cat

Freaking weird, right? I was pretty blown away by the whole thing. We had a good night, danced and talked and as luck would have it, her friend hit it off with my friend Cubano! 

It was an awesome evening. And after all of the mediocre dates I have been on lately it was great to finally connect with someone and have a good time. Xena is pretty different from the other women I have been out with. First of all she is pretty young, definitely too young for me to date seriously. But I'm really not trying to be in a relationship right now, so someone to hang out with occasionally is more up my alley. 


What I discovered under the bright lights and thumping bass at Oasis was that we all have ideas of who we would like to be in a relationship. I guess you could say, the roles we would like to take on. It is important to find a person who brings that person out of you, as that makes you more authentic. Finding Xena was like finding another piece of my inner puzzle because now I know that I need to reset my search strategy and seek out a different kind of woman than I have been looking for. I think I have been seeking out women who are just like me, but that is not the type of woman that will make for a fun and exciting relationship (wait, did I just totally dis myself?!) What I am trying to say is that I now know that my ideal partner is not a mirror image of myself and that I am going to have to look in different places if I am going to find the zsa zsa zoo. 


I would like to think that I will see Xena again, but I am not really sure how to navigate the "I'm not looking for a relationship, but am more than willing to make out" conversation. Not sure how that is going to go over. I guess I will just have to see. But I am happy to report that this encounter has given me the breath of fresh air I needed to head back into the first date doldrums. As a matter of fact, I have a date on Thursday with another OK Cupid find. I have some hope for this one because she seems pretty cool and we have been texting over the weekend. I haven't been out with anyone yet who texts before meeting. I think I like it. :)

2 Why I love Vegas and other updates

Please accept my apologies for the gap in posts. Last week was a serious cluster fuck with finishing an online class and other issues at work. But now things have settled down and can finally dish! Hooray.

I headed to Vegas for my friend Banana's birthday on Sunday and Monday. Dazzle (from Sacramento) and our other pal Cheer Boy also accompanied us on the trip. It was a total blast.We had a rocking suite at the Rio and if I do say so myself, we shut that city down. On Sunday night we went to a club at the Bellagio, called Bank. Now, the rodeo was in town the whole week prior, so in honor of the cowpeople I wore my western shirt, cowboy books and fauxhawked my hair. So yeah, I was looking pretty dykey. But in a good way. 

Cheer Boy got us on the list for the club. We got a free drink at this other bar and then free admission to the club. At the first bar, we were enjoying our free drink and I notice this group of 3 women (late 20's?) checking us out. I didn't think much of it so we finished our drinks and went to the club. After being there for about 20 minutes, these chicks show up and stand right next to us. I'm still thinking this is a coincidence until later when we headed out on the dance floor, these broads saddle right up next to us again. I'm not exactly sure what the deal was - but being in a very straight club I didn't exactly feel comfortable chatting them up. They hung out near us the whole time but never came up to us, which I found perplexing. Question: Because I look like a man, does that mean I have to act like a man? Should I have approached them?

So then the night gets even weirder...these other two chicks start dancing near us and one of them is totally grabbing my ass! WTF? Then this other group of chicks were checking us out. It was crazy. I guess the power of the short hair finally came through. But unfortunately, my dear readers I was too chicken to make a move. I just felt really uncomfortable in that particular setting. I also got this odd feeling that these chicks were all straight and just wanted to take a walk on the wild side. Which is fine, I guess...I mean it is Las Vegas...but I just couldn't step up. 

Cheer Boy and I decided we had enough of the straight club so he suggested we go to a bar called Charlie's which was off the strip and closer to our hotel. This sounded like a fantastic idea. So we caught a cab and asked the driver if he knew how to get there. The driver was obviously uncomfortable with our gayness and even more uncomfortable with taking us to a gay bar. He actually said that we could get another cab if we wanted. Well, Cheer Boy and I had no idea that this guy was such a huge douche so we stayed in the cab. This bastard then ran us around the city pretending like he didn't know where he was going. $30 later we decided to give up and head back to the hotel. It was one of the most surreal experiences I have had in a long time. I can't believe this guy would be such a dick! Ay!

The next night I was way too tired (and broke) to go out again. I also had to make it to work the next day, so I stayed in and enjoyed a relaxing night in the hotel. I was the only one of our group not to get lucky - but I am okay with that. It was an awesome time filled with insanity. Just the way Vegas should be! And maybe next time I will grow a pair and talk to some ladies.

In other news...I haven't heard from R. As you may recall, I hollered at her last Sunday after our Friday date to see if she would be available to go out the following Monday. She said she was busy but then texted me on Tuesday to see if we could postpone until this week. I hadn't heard from her since and then I was wasted in Vegas...I am guessing you know where this is leading. Oh yes, drunk texting. But I only said, "Hello, how is it going." So nothing crazy or anything but I still have not heard back. So I think I am over it. Although I ideally would like to date someone who is independent with their own business going on, I also find it important to have a basic level of communication (and I really hate when people ignore texts). I am kind of bummed about the whole thing because I felt like we really hit it off. It makes me wonder about the connections we make in life, which are real and which are only real in our own minds. Well, onward, I suppose - she must not know 'bout me! (Yes, I am listening to Beyonce to get over this one) Haha.


Speaking of dates, I went on another OK Cupid date this past Saturday. Not much to report, no zsa zsa zoo. I know it is important to keep putting myself out there so I am going to keep on keeping on. But good god, is it so much to ask to get to a second or third date? These first dates are wearing me out. I am really sick of talking about the same shit over and over. Maybe it is time to pray...Saint Anne - send me a (wo)man!
 

3 Finally! A good date!

Well folks, it appears that lady luck has finally graced me with her presence. I went on a fantastic date last night with a chick I met on Ok Cupid. We had been emailing for a couple of weeks and really hitting it off. She has a very similar quirky sense of humor and we just clicked so I decided to ask her out. 

We met at a bar downtown and had a drink. I was nervous, but as soon as we started talking I was really comfortable. We talked about all sorts of things and about our lives. Unlike some of the other women I have been out with, she didn't demand to know the details of my sexuality. Our conversation just flowed and I never felt pressured to reveal anything and yet I felt safe enough to discuss many details of my life. As a matter of fact, she is new to the scene as well! It was awesome to have someone who understands what I am going through. We then went to another bar where there was live music and had another drink. I can hardly believe that I was out for almost 4 hours and only had 2 drinks! This is very unlike me. But we were having such a good time that I didn't even think about getting crunk. I was just happy to enjoy the company. Does this mean I am maturing?

So I am sure all of you are wondering how the date ended. Well...as R. pulled up to my apartment I told her I had an awesome time and that I would like to see her again. And then I gave her a hug. And that was it. Yes, my friends. Captain Awkward showed restraint yet again! What's happening to me?! I think that on my previous dates I was trying to create intimacy via smooch because there was no real connection on the date. But on this date, I didn't want to push it. Now don't get me wrong, I would really love to lay one on R. but I am fine with letting it come about organically.

I must say that this was one of the best dates I have been on. I really hope to see R. again. But now I have to ponder when to ask her out again. I'm really not into (or good at) playing games, like waiting X amount of days to call someone. And I feel like R. is a genuine and open person. I wouldn't want to play those types of games in this situation. But I also don't want to come on too strong. It's a delicate balancing act and I am just not sure I am ready to trust my heart to do the right thing here. Because I am off on Monday, I was thinking of calling her tomorrow and seeing if she was free Monday evening. Is this too much too soon? Any suggestions would be appreciated. And thanks to all of you out there who are commenting!! 

2 Thankful

I know a post about being thankful seems a bit late, but I believe you should give thanks daily, not just on a day you are supposed to gorge yourself. 

I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving weekend. Mine was pretty awesome. I had a blast on Wednesday night hanging with one of my oldest friends, Sebs. Sebs and I go way back, 25 years to be exact! She is a great listener and gave me some heartfelt advice. It was wonderful to be able to spend some time with her. We drank, talked and were very merry. Especially when her sister showed up at 2:00 am with $40 worth of Del Taco. A drunkards dream!!

Thursday turned out to be an eventful day in my life. I came out to two important people: My mom and my dad's wife. I just felt like it was the right time. My dad's wife was actually ecstatic for me. She was very encouraging and told me that she thought my dad would be smiling down from heaven because I am happy and finally living fully. Telling my mom was a bit more nerve racking. My mom and I are very close. We speak almost every day and I see her as one of my closest confidants and advisers. After heading to the theater to catch a matinee of "Burlesque" we headed back to her house. I had a hard time deciding how I was going to bring this up. What I decided on was this, 

"So I went to see Harry Potter on Tuesday. It was really good. I went on a date...with a girl named S." 

To which my mom replied, "Are you telling me something right now?"

"Yes, I am dating women"

"I'm not surprised. If this is what makes you happy, then I am happy for you."

There was some more discussion after that but my mom fully supports me and that feels fantastic! It was really hard to keep a piece of who I am from my mother. To tell you the truth, most people I tell have the exact same reaction. Like they all knew I was a lesbian all along. Hmm...were my clothes really that butchy? (Yes, they were.)

In other news, I have a date on Friday with another lady from Ok Cupid. We hit it off via email, so hopefully the connection will translate to meatspace conversation. I'm actually kind of nervous. I keep thinking I am going to get stood up all the time. I'm not sure why. I suppose trust is the root issue (my psychologist would be proud!) - and putting yourself out there can be scary.

I also wanted to mention that I just finished reading Pam Grier's autobiography Foxy: My life in three acts. What an inspiring woman! I will leave you with one passage that meant a lot to me:

"Life had always been relatively good to me, offering me some pretty intense lessons as well as new situations and opportunities that were mine for the taking. I usually took them, anxious for the next experience, since leaving one phase of life with no bitterness usually leads to the wonder of the next one. It just keeps on coming, and we have to stand up and embrace the newness with positive anticipation and a good sense of humor. When the world seems to be getting gray and shutting down, the next day always comes, bringing with it a whole new set of possibilities, which hopefully we can meet with an open heart."